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jokes

 
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Barnyard cartoons -

Cows love FAST food!
 
Jain Anderson
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Vegan cartoons

 
Jain Anderson
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Dale Hodgins wrote:This isn't so much a joke as an observation, made by a friend of mine. One of her friends had bought a zucchini.

"If you have to buy a zucchini this time of year, you don't have enough friends."


The going joke in my area is to NEVER leave your car unlocked or the windows down in August or you will return to find a car full of zucchini!!!
 
Jain Anderson
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Greg Martin wrote:



Bob didn't realize that when he was looking for Miss Right that her first name was Always. . .
 
Jain Anderson
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Dave Burton wrote:Having family over! This book title makes me laugh!
Family- The Ties That Bind... and Gag! by Erma Bombeck


(source: Amazon)

And another book by her: The Grass is Always Greener over the Septic Tank


(source: Amazon)

I might actually have to read these books....



Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping book has these beat all to Hades and back!
 
Jain Anderson
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Travis Johnson wrote:

Greg Martin wrote:I sold my vacuum cleaner.....it was just gathering dust.


(dedicated to everyone that has to clean before friends and family come over for Thanksgiving...back to cleaning for me now)





If dust can find its way INto my house, why can't it find its way OUT?!? (I want to know these things)
 
gardener
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Why did the piece of gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.
 
Jain Anderson
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The Knob
A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them,"

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
 
Jay Angler
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
 
steward & bricolagier
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Putting on my magic moderator hat AGAIN...

Posts have been removed.

Anything political, about toxic chemicals, religion, or anything else that is only discussed in the Cider Press is not allowed in the main forums.
Anything that insults anyone, or is otherwise not nice, is not allowed either.


Think before you post, please  :D

I like my new moderator hat picture I found, but I don't like to have to pull it out.
 
Jay Angler
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I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
 
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers, hollering "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
 
Melissa Jones
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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy danced over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!
 
Melissa Jones
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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a stewardess to take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.  Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the man who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up..... so she took them home and ate them.
 
Melissa Jones
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and  a pair of running boards."

The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"'Oh, OK!" she said. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might like to gas up also!"
 
Melissa Jones
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An elegant lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.  

The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so she hands over the keys to a new Porsche, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Porsche into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the lady returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.  

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

She replied, "Where else in New York City can I safely park my Porsche for 2 weeks for $15.00?"
 
master pollinator
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I just stumbled on a list, provided by a nursing instructor, of problematic posts made in patient charts.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

The patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better. On the third day it disappeared.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me.

She is numb from her toes down.

Occasional,  constant, infrequent headaches.

The patient is alert and unresponsive.

The patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

 
John F Dean
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Two men are sitting at a bar.  One says to the other, "You look familiar ".

The second says. "You do too".

The first asks, "Were are you from?"

The second answers, "Akron"

The first responds, "Really, I am too!"

So, the second man asks, "Where did you go to school? "

The first responds " St Marys"

The second is dumbfounded,  " That is amazing, I went there too!  What street did you live on?

The first answers "Oak"

The second acknowledges he lived on the same street.  The two are laughing ang hugging one another when a 3rd man walks in.

The third man asks the bartender how things are going.

The bartender responds, " It is going to be a long night. The Murphy twins are drunk again."
 
master gardener
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I confronted a mime today....

he did unspeakable things.
 
Greg Martin
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I thought I'd give being a mime a try but was told I wasn't cut out for it.  

I asked if it was something I said.  

They said yes.
 
Pearl Sutton
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A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
 
Pearl Sutton
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?


One is really heavy. And the other is a little lighter

:D
 
John F Dean
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A vulture boards an airplane and has two dead Raccoons.   The flight attendant stops him and explains "only one Carrion per passenger."
 
John F Dean
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Two fish are swimming along  and crash into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says,  "Dam!"
 
steward
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The other replies "You're such a dumb bass"
 
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Overheard ....

"How can I be ignorant....I don't even know the meaning of the word!"
 
John F Dean
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In keeping with the overall philosophy of this site, never criticize anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.   That way you will be a mile away from them, and you will have their shoes.
 
John F Dean
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Hi Amy,

You post dredged up this one from my brain:

Would you say you are ignorant or apathetic?

I don't know, and I don't care!!!
 
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My sister in law posted this on her Facebook page.
Screenshot_20200310-194937.png
made in China
made in China
 
Greg Martin
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I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.....I can't wait to rub it in!
 
Greg Martin
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Next summer I'm applying for a job cleaning mirrors....it's something I can see myself doing.
:)
 
Pearl Sutton
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Got infected from an alligator bite, now I have gatoraids.

Q: What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A: A tail-gater.

Q: Why shouldn't you taunt an alligator?
A: Because it might come back to bite you in the end.
 
Pearl Sutton
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A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!"

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely still, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to attack him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying

Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".
 
John F Dean
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A barber is with a customer, and sees a young boy walking by the window.  The barber , as he knocks on the window and motions for the boy to come in, comments to his customer, " This has to be the dumbest kid in town. I'll show you."   The boy enters the shop, and the barber says which would you rather have , as he holds up a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other.  The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

Later, the customer meets the boy on the street as asks why he didn't take the dollar. The boy replies, " if I did that, the game would be over.".
 
Stop it! You're embarassing me! And you are embarrassing this tiny ad!
Abundance on Dry Land, documentary, streaming
https://permies.com/t/143525/videos/Abundance-Dry-Land-documentary-streaming
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