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jokes

 
master gardener
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Muffins spelled backwards is what I do when I take them out of the oven.
 
John F Dean
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I miss the days when I was terrified of Romaine lettuce
 
John F Dean
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My neighbor  David,  had his ID stolen.  Now he is just Dav.
 
pollinator
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Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
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That reminds me of one I had forgotten. Thanks John!

Ego and superego walk into a bar. The doorman stops them and says, "I'm going to need to see some ID."
 
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Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?!"

 
John F Dean
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Does it strike anyone else as odd that the survival instincts of some people told them to grab toilet paper?
 
John F Dean
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I just had a bunch of old batteries given to me.  Better yet, they were free of charge!
 
John F Dean
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I just read a comment by John Glenn.  When he was sitting on top of the rocket during countdown,  he couldn't get the thought out of his head that every piece of equipment he was in...and on....was made by the lowest bidder.
 
John F Dean
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A procrastinators work is never done.
 
John F Dean
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Overheard at a Greek tailor shop:

Euripides?

Euminides?
 
Emmy Fritz-krockow
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Why did the blind man fall in the well? He couldn’t see that well.

And while we are on the topic of disabilities (sorry but this one made me laugh out loud and I shared it with my dyslexic dad)

A dyslexic walks into a bra.
 
gardener
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Silver and gold walk into a bar.  The bar tender says “Eh you, get outta here!”
Gold turns around and heads back out.
 
Greg Martin
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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
 
Greg Martin
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Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
Because it was a polar bear.

(ok....got the chemistry jokes out of my system)
 
steward & bricolagier
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I'm not 50-something. I'm $49.95, plus shipping and handling.

 
John F Dean
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The course on prophecy I was taking was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
 
John F Dean
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My Astronomy Club got into a discussion on infinity. I thought it would never end.  
 
John F Dean
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I bought a Baguette at a little bistro at the St. Louis Zoo. It was bread in captivity.
 
gardener
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The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
 
Jay Angler
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You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
Jay Angler
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Every calendar's days are numbered.
 
John F Dean
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When you think about it, Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses.
 
John F Dean
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This is as good a time as any to stop Thanksgiving jokes, but I'm not going to quit cold Turkey.
 
John F Dean
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Ok, let's stop complaining about all the weight we have put on and just admit we were all overweight in July.
 
John F Dean
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If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
 
Greg Martin
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During a linguistics  lecture the professor declared that "In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative."
Then a voice from the back of the room said "Yeah, right."
 
pollinator
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. One orders a beer, the next a half a beer, the next a quarter, the next an eighth... Shaking his head, the bartender puts two beers on the counter and says, "Come on, guys. Know your limits."
 
Jan White
pollinator
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. One orders a beer, the next a half a beer, the next a quarter of a beer, the next a third of a beer - "Whoa whoa whoa!" says the bartender. " What are you guys trying to do, break me??"
 
Jan White
pollinator
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A mathematician and an engineer find a genie. This genie will grant them both the object of their greatest desire. There's a catch, though. The object will appear at the other end of the room. Every step they take towards it will be half as long as the one before.

Hearing this, the mathematician pulls his hair and wails, "That's impossible! I'll never get it!" He hangs his head and walks out of the room.

The engineer just nods. "That's okay. I can get close enough."
 
John F Dean
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If you are into it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
 
John F Dean
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I feel Super Lazy today .... so I am wearing a cape.
 
master pollinator
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Don't think this was posted yet.
smart-blonde-.jpg
[Thumbnail for smart-blonde-.jpg]
 
Douglas Alpenstock
master pollinator
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.
husband-plans-wifes-birthday.png
[Thumbnail for husband-plans-wifes-birthday.png]
 
Douglas Alpenstock
master pollinator
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.
you-re-great.jpg
[Thumbnail for you-re-great.jpg]
 
Douglas Alpenstock
master pollinator
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.
pun.jpg
[Thumbnail for pun.jpg]
 
Douglas Alpenstock
master pollinator
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.
singles-ad.jpg
[Thumbnail for singles-ad.jpg]
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
 
steward
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?  

Because they are so good at it.
 
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A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”
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