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jokes

 
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And if that last video wasn't raunchy enough.

4 nuns die in a road accident and go up to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

"I have to ask you something" he says to the first nun.
"Have you ever touched a penis?"

"Well" says the first nun "just once, I was a nurse, I had to do it, but I only used the tip of my finger"
"OK" replies St. Peter "Wash your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven"

He asks the second nun the same question.
She shuffles her feet and says "Just once, with the palm of my hand"
"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven"

Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.
"Excuse me!" says St. Peter "Can't you just wait your turn?"
The fourth nun angrily replies
"I'm not gargling with that, after she's had her ass in it!"
 
gardener
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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate
that kind of language in this bank."So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him
about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says; "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open
a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?
 
steward
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I just learned Dec 23rd is also called Christmas Adam.  

Christmas Adam always comes before Christmas Eve and is generally unsatisfying.
 
gardener
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Three engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a mathematician.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed mathematician.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a engineer.
When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the mathematicians are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 
Greg Martin
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A wife asks her husband, an engineer, "Darling, can you please go to the shop buy one pint of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen!"
Off he goes. Half an hour later the husband returns with 12 pints of milk.
His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?"
"Well… they had eggs" he replied.
 
Greg Martin
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Greg Martin
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Yes, you guessed correctly....Greg is an engineer!  (the middle one was my favorite, btw)
 
Mike Haasl
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Poop jokes aren't my favorite.  But they're a solid number two.
 
Greg Martin
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Mike, this joke is your fault!!!

If you start pooping just before midnight and finish just after it's the same shit, different day.
 
gardener
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The Star Spangled Banner

Had to post this here cos....sooooo funny. Watch till end.


No offence meant.
 
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What not to do with your swale
20190201_144349-480x640.jpg
[Thumbnail for 20190201_144349-480x640.jpg]
 
steward
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Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the
crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"

Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
 
pollinator
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Kids can say some good ones.  When my son was 4 years old he wanted me to go out and bweed some wabbits.  So we go out and he picks out his doe he thinks would make some nice bunny wabbits. I put the doe in the buck pen and the buck quickly jumps on and then fall over on its side in the fetal position.  My son turns to me and say " man dad, that must of been his first time!"
 
steward
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Those silly ducks...



 
Jocelyn Campbell
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I didn't know whether to post this here, or in the fiber arts forum.




Who's going to make one?

 
Mandy Launchbury-Rainey
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Jocelyn Campbell wrote:I didn't know whether to post this here, or in the fiber arts forum.




Who's going to make one?


AWESOME!
 
Mandy Launchbury-Rainey
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Jocelyn Campbell wrote:I didn't know whether to post this here, or fibre arts forum.


Who's going to make one?



I have the same quandry, Jocelyn. How to keep warm or fibre arts
https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2F236x%2Fb4%2F46%2F18%2Fb44618a7a650f82bd209c5f6a564f0b9--funny-shit-funny-stuff.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fgeniusgirl%2Fthings-that-amuse%2F&tbnid=cr62DDxAQ8y6PM&vet=1&docid=s7hIQsptjkq-3M&w=200&h=300&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim

Couldn't get just the foto but that's probably just as well.....
 
Jocelyn Campbell
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Amanda Launchbury-Rainey wrote:

Jocelyn Campbell wrote:I didn't know whether to post this here, or fibre arts forum.


Who's going to make one?



I have the same quandry, Jocelyn. How to keep warm or fibre arts
https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2F236x%2Fb4%2F46%2F18%2Fb44618a7a650f82bd209c5f6a564f0b9--funny-shit-funny-stuff.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fgeniusgirl%2Fthings-that-amuse%2F&tbnid=cr62DDxAQ8y6PM&vet=1&docid=s7hIQsptjkq-3M&w=200&h=300&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim

Couldn't get just the foto but that's probably just as well.....


Here, for better or for worse, I embedded it for you.



Hahaha!  That's a LOT of knitting!!

 
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An old Scottish farmer used to save his paper money by stuffing them in his ear. finally getting $2,000 pounds in his ear!  After a year or so the throbbing in his ear was just too great so he hauled himself to a proper doctor in Glascow. The expert ear doctor looked at the ear and started to remove the pounds; one thousand nine hundred and ninety pounds he declared to the farmer! The farmer exclaimed with much relief " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!" from Des Keough.
 
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I've got a mature one...

What type of bees make milk?
Boo-bees
 
steward
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I was originally looking for valentine's day farming jokes, but these are pretty awesome, too!





 
Greg Martin
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Greg Martin
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Dave Burton
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Here are some jokes I laughed at today!







 
pollinator
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Greg Martin wrote:A wife asks her husband, an engineer, "Darling, can you please go to the shop buy one pint of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen!"
Off he goes. Half an hour later the husband returns with 12 pints of milk.
His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?"
"Well… they had eggs" he replied.



One of my all time favorites.
 
Greg Martin
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My idea of a dystopian future...…….NOOOOO!!!
 
Mike Haasl
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Dark Humor is like food.  Not everyone gets it.

- Stalin
 
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Created a website for orphans. Didn't add a "Home" page.
 
gardener
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Son asked his dad why his sister is named Rose? Dad replies well BJ your mom likes roses...
 
Greg Martin
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Why did the permaculturist cross the road?  (open invitation to provide the punchline!)
 
Greg Martin
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Greg Martin wrote:Why did the permaculturist cross the road?  (open invitation to provide the punchline!)



(example)  To get his chicken!
(who wants to play?  give it a go!  We need more permaculture jokes!)
 
Dave Burton
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Dad: I'm having a heart attack. Call me an ambulance.
Son: You're an ambulance.
Dad: *groans*
 
Dave Burton
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I saw this on Reddit in r/funny and loved it! :)

 
Jocelyn Campbell
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Oh my.


 
pollinator
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I don't really know Mr. Ujiri; we only passed by each other once in the locker room.  I was pretty disappointed to find out that he called a press conference right after.

 
Greg Martin
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A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
 
Greg Martin
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I hate Russian dolls...so full of themselves.
 
Greg Martin
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I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.  

(I can see this one somehow being turned into a tiny add..."I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.....unlike this tiny add."
 
Greg Martin
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I was going to stop at 3...but speaking of 3, here's a goodie:

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 in the morning to find his wife waiting up for him.  
"You're late!" she yells angrily.  "You said you'd be home by 11:45!"
"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12"

(I'm not going to ever try that one)
 
Dave Burton
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You save more money with a clothesline than dozens of light bulb purchases. Tiny ad:
Rocket Mass Heater Manual - now free for a while
https://permies.com/goodies/8/rmhman
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