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jokes

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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The Bible had been in his family for generations. As was the tradition established centuries ago the man had written his name inside the cover and carried it with it at all times. One day, it was gone. The man looked everywhere. Months later, when the man was walking his fences, a deer calmly walked up to the the man dropped the Bible from his mouth.  The man dropped to his knees, hands high in the air, and cried out, "It's a miracle!"  "Not really", said the deer, "Your name was written inside the cover."

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
paul wheaton
steward
Posts: 33264
Location: missoula, montana (zone 4)
∞
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An old man is selling watermelons.  His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

My book, my movies, my videos, my podcasts, my events ... the big collection of paul wheaton stuff!
Tis the season for wood heat

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I was repairing the roof on my barn yesterday when a board fell and broke my finger. On the other hand, I'm OK.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
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This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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639
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The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."


A time traveler walks into a bar.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6750
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi!



I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6750
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3140
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Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.  One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"   "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.  
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.  Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?"  asked her waiting friend. "Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement!"

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6750
Location: SW Missouri
3140
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Why didn't anyone laugh at the gardener's jokes?
Because they were too corny.

A magical tractor was driving down the road and it turned into a field.  

Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.  


After reading the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.  After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.  He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."  The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, maybe it has a leek in it."


Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Greg Martin
gardener
Posts: 2084
Location: Maine, zone 5
928
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What's an owl's favorite TV show?

Dr. Who

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
gardener
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Location: Maine, zone 5
928
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How do billboards communicate?

Sign language.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
gardener
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Location: Maine, zone 5
928
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A ten year old boy broke his knee.

Doctors had to do a kidney replacement surgery.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
gardener
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Location: Maine, zone 5
928
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teehehe...I think I'm still getting Timothy back.
Pearl, yours is still coming...

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Pearl broke her arm in two places and asked me what she should do.

I told her I wouldn't go back to those places.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 2460
Location: southern Illinois.
639
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I have a homeopathic friend.  A while back he attempted to poison himself.  He's OK now.  He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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639
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My neighbor's kid was taken to the ER with stomach complaints.  The X-Ray showed 6 plastic horses he had swallowed. The doctor said his condition was stable.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Timothy Markus
pollinator
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You're a horrible man, John.  

A piece of land is worth as much as the person farming it.
-Le Livre du Colon, 1902

 
Heather Sharpe
pollinator
Posts: 168
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95
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A nun is walking past a bar when a drunk man stumbles over to her. He stares at her all bleary-eyed for a moment and before she can speak, he hauls back and punches her in the face, knocking her flat on the ground. She's laying there bewildered, trying to think of a blessing for this clearly troubled soul and starts to get up. But as she does, he jumps up and elbows her in the back. As she's laying there trying to catch her breath, he gets right up in her face and says, "You're not so tough, are you, Batman!?"

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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639
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I just got a regristered letter from some law firm.  It seems that someone stole my identity.  Now he is suing me for destroying his life.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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639
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288

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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639
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I am sorry for the above post.  That was too gross.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Timothy Markus
pollinator
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226
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Just noticed I have 916 posts, just like my favourite bike:



Shit.  I also like the 996 I guess...

A piece of land is worth as much as the person farming it.
-Le Livre du Colon, 1902

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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639
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I was doing a crossword puzzle  and needed an eight letter word for "dishonestly taking advantage " I called my neighbor for help, but he told me that was cheating.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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639
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I am pretty easy going, but got fed up with being touched inappropriately on my job.  I started to call my attorney when my wife reminded me I was self employed.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Greg Martin
gardener
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928
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My twin brother called me from prison.

He said, “You know that thing where we finish each other’s sentences?”

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Heather Sharpe
pollinator
Posts: 168
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
95
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What's the average internal temperature of a tauntaun?


Lukewarm

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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639
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I just learned a neat trick.  First write your age on a piece of paper.   Now, add 7 to it.  That will be your age in 7 years!

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Robert Yaklin
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Prospective Employer: So why did you leave your previous job?
Applicant: The company relocated and they did not tell me where!
 
Robert Yaklin
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Husband : Honey, what will you give me for our silver anniversary?
Wife : I'll take you to China.
Husband : Wow, that's sweet. And, on our golden anniversary?
Wife : I'll come get you.
 
Robert Yaklin
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Job interview

Employer : One of the things we are looking for in the applicant is responsibility
Applicant : Sir, I am responsible
Employer : Really?
Applicant : Yes, Sir. In my previous job, when something went wrong I was always the one responsible
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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639
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Distilled water

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
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Ok ... that was another tasteless joke

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Robert Yaklin
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Teacher: Ok class, our lesson for today is science. Before I proceed, what is science?
John: Ma'am!!! Ma'am!!! Call on me, I know the answer!
Teacher: Yes John, what is science?
John: Ma'am, science is our lesson for the day!
 
Robert Yaklin
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Teacher: Imagine being a Millionaire. Write down your activities.
Class: Yes Ma'am!
Teacher: John why didn't you write anything?
John: That's my secretary's job!
 
Robert Yaklin
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A patient enters the clinic...
Patient: Doc, please help me. I feel I am ignored by people!
Doctor: Next!
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Hi Pearl,

That dried arrangement joke is really growing on me.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Robert Yaklin
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Wife: Hello, please send a maintenance person, my husband is about to jump out the window! Hurry!
Apt Manager: Ma'am why do you want maintenance?
Wife: The window won't open!

----

Bernard: Milton, why are you so short?
Milton: Ever since I was young, I was orphaned.
Bernard: What's that got to do with it?
Milton: Hello!?! No one raised me!
 
John F Dean
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Three young boys are walking through the forest when a witch abducts them. The takes them to her hut where she locks them in a cage.  As she begins to get her cauldron boiling she adds various ingredients  and finally grabs the smallest  boy and throws him in.  There is a terrible explosion, smoke, and flames.  The boy leaps out of the cauldron,  now much taller and muscular, and kills the witch.  As he frees the other  boys, they as what happened. "Oh, that's easy", he said, "that witch doesn't  kill you, only makes you stronger."

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
master gardener
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A drunk walks into the Confession Box.  He is silent.  The priest coughs to see if he can get his attention.  The drunk is silent.  The priest finally knocks on the wall. The drunk responds, "Ain't no use in knocking. There is no paper in here either."

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
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Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Beer?" Descartes responds,"I think not."  He vanishes.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
On my planet I'm considered quite beautiful. Thanks to the poetry in this tiny ad:
100th Issue of Permaculture Magazine - now FREE for a while
https://permies.com/goodies/45/pmag
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