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jokes

 
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Why did the permaculturist cross the road?
To check the water flow on the other side
To identify the mushrooms growing there
To dig up a pretty flower and take it home
To take a cutting to root
To  pick up the neighbors bags of leaves
or if they were me: To dig through the neighbor's trash
:D
 
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Why did the permie cross the road?
To look at their berm and play with a toad.
 
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I still can't stop laughing when I see this!!!

 
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Did you hear about the mathematician that was afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!

(the worse they are, the more I like them!)

 
Dave Burton
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This was bad phrasing on my part four years ago when I was graduating high school.

Mom: "How many students are graduating with you?"
Me: "2,400 are graduating, but 400 will not be with us."
Mom: "What are you doing? Taking them out back and shooting them?"
Me: "No, they're graduating in the summer. We're graduating in the Spring."
 
Greg Martin
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A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t!  Wouldn’t!  Couldn’t!  Didn’t!  Can’t!”

"Don't worry" the doctor said, "those are just contractions."
 
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Greg Martin wrote:A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t!  Wouldn’t!  Couldn’t!  Didn’t!  Can’t!”

"Don't worry" the doctor said, "those are just contractions."



You must be a dad.
 
Greg Martin
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Timothy Markus wrote:

Greg Martin wrote:A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t!  Wouldn’t!  Couldn’t!  Didn’t!  Can’t!”

"Don't worry" the doctor said, "those are just contractions."



You must be a dad.



Tehehehe….it shows, doesn't it!
 
Timothy Markus
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Greg Martin wrote:

Timothy Markus wrote:

Greg Martin wrote:A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t!  Wouldn’t!  Couldn’t!  Didn’t!  Can’t!”

"Don't worry" the doctor said, "those are just contractions."



You must be a dad.



Tehehehe….it shows, doesn't it!



Takes one to know one...
 
Dave Burton
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Suck Less: Where There's a William, There's a Way!

"The only lie told more often than "No, that looks totally cute on you" and "I got AIDS through oral" is "It gets better." Well, a lotta times it don't. Sometimes it just sucks less. But I promise you: where there's a Willam, there's a way."


(source: Amazon)

This made me giggle a lot!
 
Dave Burton
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Pearl Sutton
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Greg Martin
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.  He says, "uno, dos..." *poof*….He disappeared without a tres.
 
Dave Burton
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the parrot.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."

 
Dave Burton
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"Life is short, smile while you still have teeth."

I got this from Pun Me's Funny Sayings.
 
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Dave Burton wrote:"Life is short, smile while you still have teeth."

I got this from Pun Me's Funny Sayings.



I have teeth but I don't  always remember to put them in...
 
Greg Martin
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Timothy Markus wrote:

Greg Martin wrote:

Timothy Markus wrote:

Greg Martin wrote:A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t!  Wouldn’t!  Couldn’t!  Didn’t!  Can’t!”

"Don't worry" the doctor said, "those are just contractions."



You must be a dad.



Tehehehe….it shows, doesn't it!



Takes one to know one...



Then this one is for you Timothy!

It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad....
It's a faux pa.
 
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It is winter.  A little voice says "meee, meee".  You're out of windshield wiper fluid again.

-Red Green
 
Dave Burton
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That was half-assed work!
As compared to full-ass work?
 
paul wheaton
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Dave Burton wrote:That was half-assed work!
As compared to full-ass work?



 
Greg Martin
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When it's over and you've taken your final breath, which part of your body will be the last to stop working?

Your pupils....they dilate.
 
Mike Haasl
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If I'm a hillbilly and I die and come back to life, is that called reintarnation?
 
Pearl Sutton
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Mike Jay wrote:If I'm a hillbilly and I die and come back to life, is that called reintarnation?


Only if you got tarred and feathered, again :D
 
Greg Martin
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Greg Martin wrote:A woman is mourning at her husband’s funeral, when a stranger asks, “Would you mind if I said a word?”

“No, go ahead.” she replies. He stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down.

“Thank you.” the woman cries. “That means a lot."



A second man approached the widow and asked if he too could say a word.  She said "please do", to which he replied "bargain".

"Thank you" the woman said.  "That means a great deal."
 
Timothy Markus
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Greg, if I do end up in New Brunswick I'm going to show up at your place with a bottle or two of your choice.  You crack me up.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Timothy Markus wrote:Greg, if I do end up in New Brunswick I'm going to show up at your place with a bottle or two of your choice.  You crack me up.


Take a flyswatter too, I suspect the flies are thick where the bullshit is deep :D
That said, I'll bring a bottle too and guacamole  :D
 
Greg Martin
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My frequency of bad jokes goes up with wine....just warning you guys :)
 
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For those of you who enjoy Weird Al, I suggest you look into the Canadian version - The Arrogant Worms.

Carrot Juice is Murder

Listen up brothers and sisters come hear my desperate tale
i speak of our friends of nature trapped in the dirt like a jail
vegetables live in oppression, served on our tables each night
this killing of veggies is madness, i say we take up the fight
salads are only for murderers, coleslaw's a fascist regime
don't think that they don't have feelings, just cause a radish can't scream
Chorus:
i've heard the screams of the vegetables (scream, scream, scream)
watching their skins being peeled (having their insides revealed)
grated and steamed with no mercy (burning off calories)
how do you think that feels (that it hurts really bad)
Carrot juice constitutes murder (and that's a real crime)
Greenhouses prisons for slaves (let my vegetables go)
it's time to stop all this gardening (it's dirty as hell)
let's call a spade a spade (is a spade is a spade is a spade)

Read more: Arrogant Worms - Carrot Juice Is Murder Lyrics | MetroLyrics
 
Greg Martin
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Jay Angler wrote:For those of you who enjoy Weird Al, I suggest you look into the Canadian version - The Arrogant Worms.

Carrot Juice is Murder



Thanks Jay....hadn't heard them before!
 
Jay Angler
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If you enjoyed that one, try "I am Cow"!

 
Timothy Markus
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I'd forgotten all about the Arrogant Worms, thanks for the reminder.

It made me REMember Corky and the Juice Pigs.

 
Pearl Sutton
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Listening to Carrot Juice is Murder, good one!
I have a book that I have always liked : Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality. It's parodies of proper psychological journal articles. The tile article has always amused me, being a long term vegetarian. It talks of how vegetarians are actually people who feel so inferior to everything, the only thing they superior enough to to feel safe venting their frustrations upon is vegetables. Long before being veg was mainstream, I fielded a lot of questions about why I would do it, what DO you eat then, etc. Sometimes I used the concepts in that article, claiming I was just a frustrated wuss that took out my hostility on something that couldn't fight back.
Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
:D
 
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Greg Martin wrote:My frequency of bad jokes goes up with wine....just warning you guys :)



Then count me in, too!
 
Greg Martin
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WooHoo!!!  I like where this is going   :)
 
Pearl Sutton
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Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Edit: that's actually a good costume idea for someone!
 
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