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jokes

 
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What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?

From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.


 
Pearl Sutton
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Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might....
Ah, fuck,, it's just a satellite.
 
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This was told to me by a fella from a long way away.  The names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved in the tragic incident.  Let's just say that my friend was from Island B.

There were two islands near each other.  And like any neighbour, they had a long-standing rivalry.  One day, it got so bad, they declared war.

For the first act of war, Island A threw hand grenades at Island B.  

The people of Island B looked closely at the grenades and picked them up.  They then took the pins out and threw them back.


My question to him at this stage was "why did they throw the pins back?"

Funny... I never heard from him again after that.
 
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This is for Pearl Sutton:

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
The wish I wished, I wished in vain,
By gosh it was an air-o-plane.
 
Jay Angler
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and since it's science night - and biology is science...

Q: What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
A: The Nucleus

OK, that was a little lame. How about this one?

Q: Why are men sexier than women?
A: You can't spell sexy without xy.
 
r ranson
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when is a car not a car
when it turns into a driveway
 
Posts: 75
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When is a door not a door?.... when it is a jar.
 
Jay Angler
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Q: Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages?
A: He was a man of many cultures.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Putting on my magic moderator hat...

Posts have been removed.
Anything political, about toxic chemicals, religion, or anything else that is only discussed in the Cider Press is not allowed in the main forums.
Anything that insults anyone, or is otherwise not nice, is not allowed either.

Think before you post, please  :D
I like my new moderator hat picture I found, but I don't like to have to pull it out.
 
Tim Siemens
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They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away.  I say, an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Tim Siemens wrote:They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away.  I say, an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.


Splat! Have an apple!!
 
Pearl Sutton
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On coming home from a late night at the office, the partner at a presigious law firm discovered that his basement was flooded. He summoned a plumber. The plumber arrived soon afterward, with a spare set of overalls and a cap that said "Blue Collar Guy".

The lawyer, still dressed in his an expensive suit, silk tie, and gleaming wingtips, chuckled. "I like your hat," he said. "But you're the first plumber I've met who brought a change of clothes to a job." The plumber smiled.

The plumber went down into the basement, and the lawyer heard him working downstairs. Before too long, the plumber came back upstairs. "I'm almost done down there. I'm going to write up your bill, then I'm going to go out to my truck for a tool I need to finish up."

The plumber added, "The overalls and hat you asked me about, they're not for me. I'm looking for a new assistant, and I was hoping you might know somebody who wanted the job." The lawyer responded, with more than a hint of condescension, "I'm a lawyer. Who would I know who would want to work as a plumber?" The plumber shrugged, and handed the lawyer his bill.

A couple of minutes later, when the plumber returned from his truck, found the lawyer, dressed in the hat and overalls. "I had a chance to look over your bill while you were out," the lawyer said. "You found yourself an assistant."


 
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Of all the inventions in the past 100 years, the dry erase board has been the most remarkable.
 
Tim Siemens
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The invention of the knife is timeless... it will always be cutting edge.
 
Greg Martin
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Moon joke time...

Did you hear about the bones they found on the moon?
It seems like the cow did not make it.


What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams.


How do you know when the moon is going broke?
When it's down to its last quarter.
 
Pearl Sutton
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From: General Manager
To: Departmental Heads
''On Friday evening at 5 p.m., Halley's Comet will be visible in this area—an event which occurs only once every 76 years. Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside the building and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the employees in the canteen and I will show them a film of it.''
===========================================
From: Departmental Heads
To: Deputy Departmental Heads
''By order of the General Manager on Friday at 5p.m., Halley's Comet will appear above the area outside the building. If it rains, please assemble the employees and proceed to the canteen, where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only every 76 years''
===========================================
From: Deputy Departmental Heads
To: Superintendent
''By the order of the General Manager, at 5 p.m. on Friday, the phenomenal Halley's comet will appear in the canteen. In case of rain in the area outside the building, the General Manager will give another order, something which occurs only once every 76 years.''
===========================================
From: Superintendent
To: Foreman
''On Friday at 5 p.m., the General Manager will appear in the canteen with Halley's Comet, something which happens every 76 years. But if it rains, the General Manager will order the comet into the area outside the building.''
===========================================
From: Foreman
To: Team Leader
''When it rains on Friday at 5 p.m., the phenomenal 76 year old Bill Halley, accompanied by his comets, will drive the General Manger through the area outside the building into the canteen.''

 
Greg Martin
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I was once bitten by a rabid female deer.

Now, every time there's a full moon, I turn into a weredoe.
 
Greg Martin
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I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
 
Pearl Sutton
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While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"
The cashier thought for a minute, and replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

 
Pearl Sutton
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replies.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' bathroom.'

 
Jay Angler
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Diplomacy is something you learn after you're too old for it to do you any good.
 
Pearl Sutton
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In the mid-sixties, there was a hippy named Benny in San Francisco.
Benny was real hip, but he just couldn't grow a beard like the rest of the flower child guys in Haight-Ashbury.
One day Benny met up with a Gypsy Lady who liked him enough to grant him a wish, so, naturally, Benny wished for a beard.
Gypsy Lady granted the wish but warned him to ALWAYS wear the beard, never cut it off.
Well, the years went by, the flower children aged, the hippy movement sorta died out, Benny went on to a career as a successful financial adviser.
Benny decided the beard no longer fit his image so, ignoring the Gypsy Lady's warnings, he shaved it off.
**POOF** Benny disintegrated into a pile of ashes, the janitor swept him up and deposited him in a jar.
Moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.





 
Jay Angler
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A paramecium and an amoeba are walking down the street. The amoeby asks, "So, lacking a psuedopodia, how do you manage to get around?"
The paramecium replies, "A cilia question I've never heard!"
 
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Greg Martin wrote:I was once bitten by a rabid female deer.

Now, every time there's a full moon, I turn into a weredoe.



Ha that reminded me of this one -

'I used to think I was a werewolf, but I'm alright nowoooooooooooooooo!'  🤪
 
Pearl Sutton
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The police arrested a man for selling a "secret formula that will give you eternal life!" for medical fraud.
It's not the first time he was arrested for this.

He was also arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

:D
 
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Some more from my husband:

Chef: Do not steal from my kitchen.
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.

=======================================

Person 1 to Person 2: Dig a hole!
Person 2: Don't call me that!
 
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There are two kinds of people in the world:

1. Those who can extrapolate fom incomplete data.
 
Amy Francis
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I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure....🤔
 
Nicole Alderman
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My husband made this one up today:

Why won't eagles talk about their flying?

It's a soar subject!
 
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I heard this many years ago.

An explorer came across a group of starving porpoises.   The porposes explained that they  were immortal  except they needed seagulls to eat.
Their problem was that their route to the seagulls was blocked by two sleeping lions.  The explorer, full of good intentions, went off and shot some gulls to bring to the porposes.   As he quietly walked past the lions with the gulls he was arrested by the game warden.

The charge? Transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porposes.

 
Greg Martin
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I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from the Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my Trail Mix
 
John F Dean
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A psychiatrist,  a pediatrician,  and an HMO manager approach the Pearly Gates.  The psychiatrist makes the case that she has helped people through troubling times in their lives. She is allowed to enter.

The pediatrician is next and stated he specialized in working with children with disabilities.  He is allowed to enter.

The HMO manager next states he has helped thousands have access to quality health care.  He is allowed to enter but he is limited to 3 days.
 
John F Dean
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A pirate walks into a bar.  The bartender says, " I haven't seen you in a while .  How have you been doing?"

The pirate responds, " I have been doing pretty well. "

The bartender says, "really? The last time I say you, you didn't have the wooden leg."

The priate explains that it was taken off by a cannon ball.  He goes on to say, " other than that, I have been fine."

The bartender next questions the new hook replacing the pirate's right hand.  

The pirate responds, " I was boarding a ship, got into a sword fight, and it was cut off.  But I am doing great now."

The bartender then asks, " What about that patch over your eye?"

The pirate responds, " A seagull was flying over, and I looked up."

The bartender objects, " That couldn't have done in you eye".

The pirate explains, "it was my first day with the hook."

 
Amy Francis
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The second to last joke reminded me of the oneliner on psychiatry - when you improve, they let you sit up on the couch.
 
John F Dean
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Self assessment:

You are presented with a bathtub full of water.   And, you are given a spoon, a cup, and a bucket.

How would you empty the tub?  .......................................................................................................
...............................................................................................A normal person would pull the plug.
 
John F Dean
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A homesteader approaches an attorney for a divorce from his wife.

The attorneys asks: Do you have grounds?

The homesteader responds: 20 acres.

The attorney clarifies:  No. I mean do you have a case?

The homesteader responds:  No, but I have a John Deere.


The attorney trys again:  Do you have a grudge?

The homesteader states:  That is where I keep the John Deere

The attorney trys to focus:   Let's talk about the suit

The homesteader says:  I don't see where that matters, but yes I wear it to church every Sunday

The attorney then asks: Does she beat you up?

The homesteader responds:  Nope. We both get up at 5 Oclock every morning.

The attorney,  fed up, blurts out: Just tell me why you want a divorce

The homesteader replies:  I have never been able to communicate with that darned woman

 
I don't like that guy. The tiny ad agrees with me.
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