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jokes

 
steward & bricolagier
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Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
 
gardener
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The Parking Spot

A man was franticly trying to find a parking space at a baseball game and was speeding around the parking lot as he'd already missed the first inning of this game he had been waiting for all year.  He was feeling quite desperate and didn't know what to do so he started to pray and said "God, I know I haven't lived a good life, but if you can grant me a parking space I promise you that I'll never miss church again, I'll stop drinking and I'll give generously to charities."

Just then a car pulled out of an amazing space right by the front gate and right in front of him! So the guy said to God "Never mind, I just found one!"
 
steward
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Haha!


 
Pearl Sutton
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A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.  "That customer is going to come back here pretty mad," he told his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"
"Money back? Are you crazy?" roared the boss. "What kind of a salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"


 
Pearl Sutton
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Pearl's commentaries on the previous joke: I have issues with what is called Suspension of Disbelief, I tend to analyze movies etc "If you hadn't told that lie to start with, this whole plot wouldn't have happened." Yeah, I know means there wouldn't have been a movie either, just something I don't do well. So that joke bugs me, how could a piece of property be bought and sold by two people and neither one of them looked at it? That's just wrong on too many levels.

The other thought, though, is what would permaculture design say about this? One of the things you identify on your property is what is unchangeable and must be worked with, worked into your design, made into an asset instead of a liability. Land that is underwater can be worked with. Houseboat, see the seasteading threads here, fish farming, grow organic seaweeds. Underwater house, or better yet, think how QUIET that house would be, underwater bed and breakfast, or meditative retreat, the ultimate quiet vacation! This could be worked with! :D
 
Pearl Sutton
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?




A stick.



 
Pearl Sutton
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The Miss Universe pageant is fixed!!
All the winners were born on Earth
 
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If these have been repeated, then the joke is on me:

1. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No idea! (No eye deer)


2. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: A fsh!
 
Pearl Sutton
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In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed with for traction.

 
Greg Martin
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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry," she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.
He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
 
Greg Martin
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Four college students decide to get drunk the night before their final exam. They get so drunk they wake up late and completely miss their final. The four students go to their professor, and explain this elaborate lie that when they were on their way to the final that their car tire went flat. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

The day of the make up test the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says “you may begin the test”.

The four boys open their final booklet and to their surprise they each only have one question.

“Which tire was flat?”
 
Pearl Sutton
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7/5ths of all people do not understand fractions
 
master steward
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37% of all statistics are made up on the spot
 
Pearl Sutton
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Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things. One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, dirty thing on the face of the earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Molly Ivins
 
Pearl Sutton
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A college professor asked his class a question: If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York, and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia, and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?  A student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor, you are 44."

The professor said "you are absolutely correct,but tell me, how did you arrive at the question so quickly?"

The student said "You see, I have a brother, he's 22, and he's half nuts."

:D
 
Pearl Sutton
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where is the self help section?"
She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
 
Greg Martin
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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
 
master pollinator
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This happened yesterday.

I ordered a multigrain bagel at Starbucks. The cashier said "Can I get a name for the bagel?"

I thought about it briefly, then said,  "I guess we could call him Gus or Lumpy. But it can be really awkward, if your name something that you're going to eat."

This one will be added to my limited repertoire, whether they ask for a name for my next food order or for shoes checked at a bowling alley... and suddenly it's 1950 and we're talking about bowling. :-)
 
Pearl Sutton
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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.
 
Dale Hodgins
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I was listening to the radio and someone mentioned getting out of the rat race. It occurred to me that rats set their own hours and aren't really part of that race.

I had my wife draw the cartoon below. I think my words need to go in a little caption thing or maybe it's called a word bubble to show what the rat is thinking.

Maybe he needs a briefcase or something else to indicate that he quit a job. Cartoon animals often have jobs usually reserved for humans. :-)
IMG-20191005-WA0000-1.jpg
I'm so happy, now that I've dropped out of the people race.
I'm so happy, now that I've dropped out of the people race.
 
Greg Martin
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It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.
 
Pearl Sutton
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The doctor said "We think you're likely ADHD".
I said, "This is a very comfortable chair. Do you serve cookies and tea here? Do you want to? I'll not charge much to bake you cookies, and I have some pretty teacups, what kind of cookies do you like?"
 
Dale Hodgins
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What's the best way to stuff a turkey?

Offer him pizza and ice cream.
.......
Below is one that I used at a public meeting. It wasn't really meant as a joke, but it works that way.
...
If you're going to put words in someone's mouth, make sure they're not such stupid words, or it will be obvious that it was you.
 
F Agricola
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An Australian man and his wife are sitting in their living room watching TV.

Bruce turns to Shirley and says: ‘Just so you know, Shirl, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.’

So Shirl gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all his beer.


---------------------------------------


What do you call a lazy baby Kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

 
gardener
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I keep getting the words “yakuza” and “jacuzzi” mixed up.

So... now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
 
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A blonde sees a redhead jumping up and down on a railroad track saying, "22, 22, 22...", and asks if she can join her.  Redhead says sure.  Holding hands, they jump up and down saying, "22, 22, 22...".  A train comes a long.  Redhead jumps off.  Blonde gets whacked by the train.  Redhead gets back on the track and jumps up and down saying, "23, 23, 23...".
 
gardener
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Deja moo... when you know you've hear that bull before.
 
Greg Martin
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Someone stole all the wheels off all the police cars.  The cops are working on it....tirelessly!

(too long without a joke)
 
Catherine Windrose
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The new Priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak. He asked the bishop how he could relax. Bishop said, “Next week, put vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should run smoothly.”  Next Sunday, the new priest tried that. After returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Bishop…

   Next time sip, rather than gulp.
   There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
   There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
   David slew Goliath, he didn’t kick the shit out of him.
   We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his Apostles as “J.C. and the boys.”
   Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy.
   We do not refer to the cross as “The Big T.”
   We do not refer to the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost as “Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.”
   The recommended way of saying grace is not Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God!”
   And last but not least, it is the “Virgin Mary,” not “Mary with the cherry.”
 
Pearl Sutton
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Every ten seconds,somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child.

She must be exhausted!!

:D
 
Jay Angler
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens hadn't evolved yet...
 
Greg Martin
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WooHoo….thanks for the new flush of jokes guys!  Here's another short one:

Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The water, because butane is lighter fluid.


(For those with enquiring minds, liquid butane is actually much lighter.  Liquid butane has a density only about 58% that of water....wow, that is lighter fluid!)
 
Pearl Sutton
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I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
 
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An editor, grammarian and a linguist walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a "bar."
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out-we don't serve your type."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar-fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar, and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Eric Thomas: Ok, now that was comprehensive! I'd love to make a response joke, but have no clue how to top it :D
 
Eric Thomas
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People often accuse me of “stealing others jokes” and “being a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine…
 
Eric Thomas
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I'm a technical/marketing writer by trade.  Friday just seems to set off the joke muscle. Bad Friday's are worse.
 
Mike Haasl
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I tried to catch fog yesterday

But I mist
 
Catherine Windrose
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:.)
3-of-4-voices-want-to-sleep-and-1-wants-to-know-if-penguins-have-knees.png
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Without subsidies, chem-ag food costs four times more than organic. Or this tiny ad:
A rocket mass heater heats your home with one tenth the wood of a conventional wood stove
http://woodheat.net
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