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jokes

 
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My bad jokes that I told at the end of the pdc, so now I don't have to keep them secret anymore :)

1) While most puns make me numb, math puns make me number.
2) Today my son asked "Can I have a book mark?"  and I burst into tears.  All these years and he still doesn't know my name is Greg.
3) My friend said he didn't understand what cloning was.  I said, that makes two of us.
4) How many apples grow on a tree?  All of them.
5) Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?  Because they're so good at it!
6) My friend said to me "What rhymes with orange?"  I told him "no it doesn't!"
7) My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man, it could be worse.  You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."  I know he means well.
8) Don't trust atoms....they make up everything!
9) A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
10) The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
11) Allan asked me what I'm going to do with my new pdc skills next year.  I told him I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.  


 
Greg Martin
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One that didn't make the cut:

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.  

I know  Ugghh, right?  :)
 
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Greg Martin wrote:One that didn't make the cut:

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.  

I know  Ugghh, right?  :)


That one amuses me :)  I'd have kept it in :)
 
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That reminds me of a meeting I attended decades ago where a bunch of students/recent grads were standing up and introducing themselves. One fellow stood up and said, "Hi, I'm Joe and I sell drugs....    I'm a pharmacist."
 
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I love this song from The Book of Mormon!

THE BOOK OF MORMON- 'Hasa Diga Eebowai' Lyrics (exciting language, be warned! mwahaahaha!)



Lyrics:
"In this part of Africa, we ALL have a saying – whenever something bad happens, we just throw our hands to the sky and say HASA DIGA EEBOWAI!
Hasa Diga Eebowai?
It's the only way to get through all these troubled times. There's war, poverty, famine... but having a saying makes it all seem better!
There isn't enough food to eat
Hasa Diga Eebowai
People are starving in the street
Hasa Diga Eebowai
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Well, that's pretty neat!
Does it mean no worries for the rest of our days?
Kind of!"
 
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On St. Patrick's Day, an Irish man walks into a pub in New York City, sits down at the bar, and orders three pints of Guinness.

The bartender brings him three pints, and the man proceeds to sip them  alternately — the first one, the next one, and then the third one, until they’re all gone. Then He gets up, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

The same thing happens year after year, same guy, same pub, three pints on St. Patrick's Day.

The bartender finds this behavior noteworthy, so one year he says "You've been coming here for years, ordering the same thing each time. There's gotta be a story behind that, am I right?"

“Indeed,” the man says. “I'm a triplet. I have two brothers, one in Boston and one in Dublin. We made a vow to each other that every year we were apart, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together, each in our local pub.”

”What a wonderful tradition,” the bartender says, smiling.

The following year, full of anticipation, as soon as the bartender sees the guy walk in, he lines up three glasses on the bar and starts pouring. But the guy looks up at the bartender with a sad expression and says with a sigh, "Only two for me this year, thanks."

“Oh no,” says the bartender sadly, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

"How's that?" asks the guy.

"Did one of your brothers pass away?"

“Oh, no, nothing like that,” says the guy. “I just quit drinking.”
 
Dave Burton
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Image text:
"Theory is when you know everything but nothing works. Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.In our lab, theory and practice are combined: nothing works and no one knows why:



Image text:
"Thou shalt not try me. Mom 24:7"

(sources: r/funny)
 
Jay Angler
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The problem with political jokes is that too often they get elected to office.
 
Greg Martin
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Ok...now for a silly one....The Story of the Man with the big orange head:

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Please, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out! The genie thundered, You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy. The genie says, Your wish is granted. And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!"

"So I said, Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world. The genie says, Your wish is granted. And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible."

"Then the genie booms, You have one wish remaining."
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer and says, "Then I wished for a big orange head."
 
Greg Martin
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Ok, a handful of pun jokes to make up for that last one!  :)

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran.

My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels!
 
Greg Martin
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Here's a joke from a Jeopardy contestant this week....unfortunately he didn't win, so no more jokes from him :)


Why should you go to the corner if you're cold?

Because corners are usually about 90 degrees!
 
Greg Martin
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Can anyone solve this one?

(solution tomorrow unless someone gets it before I post)
 
Pearl Sutton
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Greg: For you!
Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..." Curated to be "You might be a Permie Redneck if..." by me :)

You might be a Permie Redneck if:
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You’re considered an expert on wormbeds.
You have ever used lard in bed.
Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
The main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

Personally, quite a few of those apply to me!! :D
 
Greg Martin
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Several apply to me too....at least some of the time.  Thanks Pearl!  It gave me many giggles!
 
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With regard to the letter joke the answer has six letters
 
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It's almost embarrassing to admit to just how many of those apply or have applied to me, at one time or another,  lol (12!)
 
Greg Martin
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Tim Siemens wrote:With regard to the letter joke the answer has six letters



You've got it Tim!  Shall we have others stare at it a while and then explain tonight?  Might be fun
 
Pearl Sutton
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Carla Burke wrote:It's almost embarrassing to admit to just how many of those apply or have applied to me, at one time or another,  lol (12!)


Heh, the reason I chose those off the list is through my life, all of those have been involved :) These days I don't rake my house, I learned long ago to use a leafblower! My post in Leaf Blower house cleaning thread (whole thread worth reading!) Much less work. That's how I dust my bookshelves. And I corrupted a library into doing it too! It's really effective if done correctly.

And I "go shopping" at the dump, rarely throw things away, but it's a regular stop for me! :D People throw out all kinds of useful things! I tell  my mom " be home in a bit, going shopping before I get there." She sighs.... But when I come home says "So what did you find today?"
 
Carla Burke
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Pearl, lol! I recently started using a leaf blower, too!! Granted, I use it for the outdoor kitchen & porch, not inside...
 
Pearl Sutton
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Carla Burke wrote:Pearl, lol! I recently started using a leaf blower, too!! Grained, I user it for the outdoor kitchen & porch, not inside...


My last house was in the desert, had irregular rock walls that both held dust and were mostly not sealed well, and a lot of bookshelves. Dust city! I have chronic sinus problems due to damage from a car wreck. I had to learn to do something drastic :) Now I'm just addicted to leaf blowers in the house. Although the other day I was blowing the floors, being careful, got my cord tangled, turned to unsnarl it, and a completed jigsaw puzzle on the table went airborne, flying flat like a kite, till it hit the wall and exploded. :D
 
Greg Martin
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Greg Martin wrote:

Tim Siemens wrote:With regard to the letter joke the answer has six letters



You've got it Tim!  Shall we have others stare at it a while and then explain tonight?  Might be fun



So Tim, Pearl and, deep down, Carla know the answer.

Count the letters and then reread it...."What" has 4 letters, "Sometimes" has 9 letters, and "never" has 5 letters!  And as Tim points out, "answer" has six letters
And Pearl let me know privately that "occasionally" has 12 letters!

Good job all!
 
Carla Burke
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Greg Martin wrote:

Greg Martin wrote:

Tim Siemens wrote:With regard to the letter joke the answer has six letters



You've got it Tim!  Shall we have others stare at it a while and then explain tonight?  Might be fun



So Tim, Pearl and, deep down, Carla know the answer.

Count the letters and then reread it...."What" has 4 letters, "Sometimes" has 9 letters, and "never" has 5 letters!  And as Tim points out, "answer" has six letters
And Pearl let me know privately that "occasionally" has 12 letters!

Good job all!



And, groan has 5...
 
Greg Martin
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Greg: why yes, yes they are :D
 
Greg Martin
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I work with a guy who LOVES puns and I print these off for him.  There are lots of these sheets online.  

Ok Pearl....which one was the worst?  :)  Mine is the Seine one!
 
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Greg Martin wrote:I work with a guy who LOVES puns and I print these off for him.  There are lots of these sheets online.  

Ok Pearl....which one was the worst?  :)  Mine is the Seine one!


My favorite one is the dyslexic poet, but that means it's not the worst pun... So I dunno :)
 
Carla Burke
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Apparently, the dyslexic poet must be my favorite - You know, since I married him, lol! John and I used to write poetry to each other, a lot, when we were dating, long distance...
 
Pearl Sutton
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Not sure if this counts as a joke or just wishful thinking...


If upvoting gets you garlic bread delivered, what does posting it do?!
Bring it on... the more garlic the better.
I like my garlic bread vampire repellent!
 
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Pearl Sutton wrote:Not sure if this counts as a joke or just wishful thinking...


If upvoting gets you garlic bread delivered, what does posting it do?!
Bring it on... the more garlic the better.
I like my garlic bread vampire repellent!



Please tell me this is true. Gets my vote.
 
Pearl Sutton
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Although I'd want a good whole grain, long fermented, sourdough bread, not that white stuff in the picture.... :D
Mandy: wouldn't magically appearing garlic bread be great?
I'll upvote yours, maybe it will up your odds of magic bread :)
This is like a chain letter for garlic addicts....
 
Greg Martin
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Did you hear about the two thieves that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.
 
Greg Martin
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I’m terrified of elevators so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
 
Greg Martin
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I'm starting to call water HIJKLMNO to see if anyone catches on (it's H to O)
 
Pearl Sutton
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I like the calendar the best: ) Can I choose which 6 months I get?

:D
 
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I’m so slow, the other day it took me two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
 
Greg Martin
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees. "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
 
Pearl Sutton
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Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 AM, the telephone operator in a small town received a call from a man asking the exact time. one day the operator summoned up the nerve to ask him why it was so regular. "I'm the foreman of the local sawmill," he explained, "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said, "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle."
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