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jokes

 
gardener
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I went to the library and asked for a book on unorthodox expressions. The librarian told me it was over yonder.
 
John F Dean
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Two flies are buzzing around the barnyard. They see a new female fly on a pile of dung. One says to the other, I am going to check her out. He flies over to her as asks, " Excuse me, is this stool taken?"
 
John F Dean
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My friend Robert came by with his effort to cross a Turnip with a Cabbage.  When he showed it to me, I said, "Cool Robbie".
 
John F Dean
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My wife is not a morning person. So, I was surprised yesterday morning when she texted me she had just made synonym buns.  I texted back asking her if they were like grammar used to make.
 
John F Dean
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Last fall our local drunk went deer hunting.  Anyway, he got down on his knees to look at some tracks.  That was when the train hit him.
 
John F Dean
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True story:  In the late 60s I was riding along with a friend in his car in a very remote area near Sharon, Kentucky.  We stopped for gas at a run down station and were immediately chased off by an elderly man waving his arms and yelling, "Get out of here. We dont want no Anti-Christ here!" My friend wisely drove off.  We thought it amazing because we were both pretty conservatively dressed for the period... No facial hair ...and hair only covering our ears. Fortunately,  we were not that low on gas and we stopped maybe 30 miles down the road and got gas without incident. It was then that I saw  his bumper sticker, "Anarchists Unite!" .....which I thought was a pretty neat oxymoron.
 
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One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
 
John F Dean
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I was cleaning out a closet  and found golf clubs that I hadn't used in years.  I stepped outside and hit a couple of balls. I stepped on a rake.
 
John F Dean
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I asked my wife is there was any alcohol in cider. She said she hadn't had a drink in 2 days.
 
John F Dean
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After a good deal of thought, I have decided to stop asking rhetorical questions.  I mean, what's the point?
 
John F Dean
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The surest sign of memory loss is a clear conscience.
 
Posts: 97
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
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Where does a mansplainer get his water?

A well, actually.
 
Posts: 148
Location: Northeast Oklahoma, Formerly Zone 6b, Now Officially Zone 7
21
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Guy charges into a bar.  He yells at the bartender, "quick! Gimme a shot of your best whiskey!"  The bartender pours him a shot of top-shelf liquor and the guy whacks it back in one gulp.  Then he says, "Quick!, give me a shot of your best Scotch!"  The bartender pours a shot of fine single malt, and the guy pounds it back and slams the shot glass on the bar.  "Quick! Pour me a shot of your best Vodka!!"  The bartender gives the guy the side-eye, but pulls down a bottle of premium Russian vodka and pours out a shot.  The guy shouts "Na Zdorovie!!" and slams the shot back in his throat.  The bartender says, "buddy, you really shouldn't drink like that!"  The guy looks at him with fizzled eyes and says, "if YOU had what I have, you'd drink like this too!!"

The bartender looks at him with sudden concern and asks, "what the hell do you have, exactly?"

The guy says, "about a buck and a half!"  
 
Heather Olivia
Posts: 97
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
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What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
 
John F Dean
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I got in a pretty bad wreck yesterday.  I was driving down the highway when the prescription on my glasses expired.
 
John F Dean
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I found out that I can have amnesia and deja vu at the same time. ... ok, never mind ...I bet I have forgotten making this post before.
 
John F Dean
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I had an old friend call me yesterday to vent.  He had to move out of his house for a while.  You see, he was a HAM Radio operator. He loved to communicate with people around the world using Morse Code. He had done it for decades, and code was darned near his primary language.. .... then his daughter took up tap dancing.
 
John F Dean
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A person pushing some religion dropped by my house this morning.  I told him I couldn't let him in because he was an alcoholic.  He became irate and told me he certainly wasn't.  Then he asked me what could have given me such an idea. I told him the first sign of alcoholism was denial.
 
Heather Olivia
Posts: 97
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
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What'd the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.
 
steward & bricolagier
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Location: SW Missouri
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A jar of jam was left in a nest box one day. A young chick looked at it, and told his brother "look at the orange marmalade!!"
 
John F Dean
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You have successfully made it to September 2020.  Welcome to Level 9 of Jumanji.
 
master gardener
Posts: 1911
Location: Maine, zone 5
815
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When does a farmer dance?
When the beet drops!

(I told a friend and she immediately replied "Lettuce turnip the beet!"...thank you Amy)
 
Greg Martin
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My dad was great.  He always used to say "the sky's the limit!"
I could never understand why NASA fired him.
 
Greg Martin
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Location: Maine, zone 5
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There is no training to become a trash collector.  You just pick it up as you go along.
 
John F Dean
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I am not sure if this belongs here or in the Purity section, but this morning I noticed that my body has absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee, it cleans the toilet.
 
John F Dean
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List of people I like:

Dogs
Cats
 
John F Dean
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I was sitting in a bar once in New Orleans.  This guy in a jesters outfit came in and sat down beside me.  He had just been fired from his job at one of the casinos.  Apparently he was nobody's  fool.
 
John F Dean
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I got out of the shower today and realized my birthday suit needed to be ironed.
 
John F Dean
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How come most of the time I have been able to read the "writing on the wall" it hasn't  been an Epiphany?  I've only been in a public restroom.
 
Greg Martin
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I pulled out a world map and then gave my wife a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
 
Greg Martin
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Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
 
Greg Martin
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The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
 
gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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What's the difference between a regular hornet and a murder hornet?

Premeditation.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Boycott shampoo!
Always demand the real poo!
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a functional bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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The bitter winter was almost over when one shepherd confessed to the other that he could hardly wait until it was time to shear their flock. The other shepherd nodded, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.
"It will be great selling the wool and spending money on wine and women, eh?"
"That's not it," his friend said. "I just can't WAIT to see them naked!"


 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6066
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A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the crap out of him.
 
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