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jokes

 
Pearl Sutton
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I was raised by my grandfather clock
because my biological clock was never there.

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Pearl Sutton
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Sign in a used record store: All sales are vinyl!

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
John F Dean
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The following are the 3 unwritten rules of Permaculture:

1.

2.

3.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
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Always pushing the season, my granddaughter asked me if she could have a puppy for Christmas.  I told her we were going to have Turkey like we always do.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
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My wife and I got into it big time this morning.  She was tired of my half finished projects and called me immature.   I threw her out of my fort.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
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If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
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I got on this kick of refusing Novocane so I could transcend dental medication.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Mike Haasl
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A priest, a minister and a rabbit went into a bar.  The bartender asked the priest what he wanted.  He said "I'll take a Bud Light".  Then he asked the minister what he wanted.  He said "Brandy old fashioned, of course".  Then the bartender asked the rabbit what he wanted.  The rabbit said "Beats me, I'm only here because of auto-correct".

"Hundreds of years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in or the type of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that it becomes a tourist destination"

 
John F Dean
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I was pretty young when I figured out I was not my mother's favorite child. She gave me a toaster and told me it was a bath toy.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
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If priests are defrocked,  then are

Electricians delighted?

Corpses decrypted?

Cowboys deranged?

Models deposed?

Dry cleaners depressed?

Students detested?


Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Greg Martin
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You can't run through a campsite.  
You can only ran....
because it's past tents.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Timothy Markus
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Very well done, sir.

A piece of land is worth as much as the person farming it.
-Le Livre du Colon, 1902

 
Pearl Sutton
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Why did the tiger loose at poker?

Because he was playing with a cheetah



What do you get if you cross a tiger and a sheep?

A stripey sweater


:D

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Pearl Sutton
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says "Hey! You're a duck!"
"Yep" replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again” says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck, "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
“At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" asks the duck.
"That's right" replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again “with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Well, yes" the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
John F Dean
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I am really ticked off at the local furniture store.  They keep calling me.  All I wanted was one night stand.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
John F Dean
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I got thrown out of the grocery store.  The sign said "pet supplies". So I did.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Timothy Markus
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There have been a lot of great jokes in this thread and I'd like to thank everyone who's made me laugh.  I'd also like to thank Greg Martin.

A piece of land is worth as much as the person farming it.
-Le Livre du Colon, 1902

 
Pearl Sutton
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My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers.
oopsie daisy!



Which flowers swear?
Hibiscusses.



A group of Catholic sisters want to open up a flower shoppe...
...it’s going to be called “Nuns N’ Roses”.



For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive.
I think I'm being stalked.

:D

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Pearl Sutton
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A kid asks his crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress her.
He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers.

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. He stands in line for about an hour and a half to get to the end. He finally rents his tuxedo.

Lastly, he makes a stop at the limo and, surprise surprise: there's a long limo line. He sticks with it because he really wants to impress his date and finally rents his limo after a couple hours.

So now it's the day of the dance and he pulls up in a stretch limo to pick up his date.

She's blown away by all the effort he put in for their date. She is impressed by the limo, she thinks he looks really handsome in his tuxedo, and thinks the flowers are beautiful.

So now they're at the prom, dancing, and having a good time until she gets thirsty.

"Hey, babe. Do you mind going over to the punch table to get me something to drink?"

"Sure! No problem, love."

He walks over to the punch bowl and there's no punchline

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Pearl Sutton
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Timothy Markus wrote:There have been a lot of great jokes in this thread and I'd like to thank everyone who's made me laugh.  I'd also like to thank Greg Martin.


Did you notice we are on page 21?! That's a lot of silly jokes!
And I agree, I look forward to all the jokes

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Greg Martin
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I'd like to dedicate this post to Timothy Markus:

There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, "Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?"
The other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Pearl Sutton
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Greg Martin's daughter: Dad, what's that flower?
Greg Martin: It's a rhododendron!
Daughter: How do you spell that?
Greg: I was wrong, it's a rose!

:D

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Greg Martin
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Pearl Sutton wrote:Greg Martin's daughter: Dad, what's that flower?
Greg Martin: It's a rhododendron!
Daughter: How do you spell that?
Greg: I was wrong, it's a rose!

:D


Teehehe!  That's not wrong (we engineers famously can't spell)!  Writer's block right now Pearl....but when you least expect it....
:)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
John F Dean
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I stopped by the hospital and a woman asked me if I could spare a few minutes for COVID 19 research.  I told her, OK, but I don't see how we are going to accomplish much.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Mike Haasl
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Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator

"Hundreds of years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in or the type of car I drove... But the world may be different because I did something so bafflingly crazy that it becomes a tourist destination"

 
Greg Martin
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My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.


(If you watch Titanic backwards it's about a ship saving people who have a huge banquet afterwards before they come back to land.)

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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Why is it not easy eating a clock?

It’s very time consuming.

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Greg Martin
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I've now been alive in seven decades!

The 1970s
The 1980s
The 1990s
The 2000s
The 2010s
The 2020s
May

Permaculture...picking the lock back to Eden since 1978.
Pics of my Forest Garden

 
Claudia Shimkus
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my favorite joke:
Old Indian word for Bad Hunter:  Vegetarian
 
Heather Sharpe
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These are much better spoken, but can't resist sharing. Probably better in that y'all don't have to endure my attempt at a Sean Connery impression.

What did Sean Connery say when all his books fell on the floor?
I can only blame my shelf.

Why did Sean Connery quit his detasseling job?
Because it shucked.

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."

 
John F Dean
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Then there was the agnostic dyslexic with insomnia.   He would lay awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain

 
Pearl Sutton
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What do you get when you cross a weeping willow and an UFO?
A crying saucer

An alien from the planet Zarg walks into a small country pub."I'll have a pint please" he says with a smile.The barman says "We don't serve aliens in here." "If you serve me," replies the alien, "I'll buy everyone in here a pint."
"Sorry mate, can't do it. It's against the brewery's policy," replies the barman."What about if you invite the whole town for drinks, make it a free bar, and I foot the bill at the end of the night?" The pound signs light up in the barman's eyes,  "Ok, you're on!" By the end of the night, everyone, including the alien, is pissed. The barman says "That'll be seven grand please mate!" The alien pulls his wallet out and says "Have you got change for a Zonk?"



By now, everyone has heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51." Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane . . . only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"




Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
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Q:  Why are weavers good story tellers?
A:  They have a lot of yarns.


Q: What do you call nuns who are spinners?
A: Twisted sisters.

Visit Redhawk's soil series: https://permies.com/wiki/redhawk-soil
How permies.com works: https://permies.com/wiki/34193/permies-works-links-threads

 
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...and since Pearl started an alien trend...

Who's long, slippery, and always phones home when he goes sightseeing?
E.T. the extra tourist eel

and an even worse one...

Did you hear about the man who was captured by extra-terrestrial teddy bears?
He had a close encounter of the furred kind

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Pearl Sutton
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One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.
The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner.

And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones.

And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Pearl Sutton
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A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat
and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the furry fella out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!"

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Pearl Sutton
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A moth comes into a proctologist’s office
And across the desk of that proctologist the moth goes into the issues that cause him pain.

“Well, where to begin... uhhhh let’s start with my credit, I took a dive of a FICO score from 670 to 450 in the last 6 months, my boss is cracking down on these new reports that corporate wants done daily and it’s causing me to work late almost every night, I’m being sued by my brother for the items I took from my father’s estate while it was still being processed before his will reading- also, my father passed away and left me nothing.

“My daughter comes home every night either high or drunk and throws up all over the shag carpet, my son is obsessed with these “furry” conventions that he spends whole weekends at, my wife claims I no longer satisfy her in bed and I’m 90 percent sure she’s been cheating on me for a year, which would suck because I would want a divorce if I found it to be true and I live in a state that votes largely in favor of the wife and I’d probably lose the house and I’m in a good position to refinance and take some cash out.

“So, I just want to know how I can turn my life around. Can you help me doctor? Could you please help a moth who’s been abandoned by the good life he grew up dreaming of?”

The proctologist buried his face in his hands for a moment, inhaled deeply, and resurfaced to face the moth.

“You do understand that I’m not a therapist? I mean, I’m a proctologist! You must have some idea of what my profession is. What made you come in here and think I could help?”

The moth sighed, and pondered the proctologist’s question for a moment.

“Well... your light was on, so I came in...”

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Pearl Sutton
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One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his big furry paws on the bar and says, "Hello, barkeep. I just woke up from a long winter sleep and I've a hankering for a beer. Might you serve me up one of your finest brews?"

Bartender looks at the bear apologetically and says, "I'm sorry to break it to you. New city ordinance... we can no longer serve beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana. "

The bear was miffed and a bit in shock, but he left the bar and thought for a while outside. He decided he was going to go a bit down the road here and see if the next bar would serve him.

Next bar he found, he sauntered inside, hulked over the bar and was a bit less polite this time. "BARKEEP! Get me a BEER!"

The bartender was a bit jostled by this angry bear in his bar, but he stuck to his guns, telling the bear that he was now unable to serve beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana.

The bear growled and grumbled to himself as he stomped away, and stood for a moment outside thinking to himself that he was going to get a beer, whatever he had to do. He skulked off to find a third and final bar where he WOULD be getting his beer come hell or high water.

THIS bar actually had a sign outside on the door that said, "NEW CITY ORDINANCE, NO BEER WILL BE SERVED TO BEARS IN BARS IN BUTTE, MONTANA," and this made the bear furious.

The bear tore the door off the establishment and lumbered over to the bartender, who, unlike everyone else in the establishment, was cool as a cucumber. "Hello, mister bear! Can I get you a soda?"

The bear says, "YOU'RE GOING TO SERVE ME A BEER."

Bartender says, "sorry, we don't sell beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana."

The bear says, "You WILL SERVE ME A BEER OR I WILL EAT THE WOMAN AT THE END OF THE BAR." He motioned to the weathered old regular at the end of the bar, as she quivered, terrified.

The Bartender looks at the woman, looks at the bear, shrugs and says, "sorry. We can't sell beers to..."

And before he could finish his sentence, the bear was upon the woman, ripping her apart limb from limb, consuming all her fleshy bits until there was nothing but carcass on the barroom floor.

The bear says, "NOW SERVE ME A BEER OR YOU'RE NEXT."

The bartender, unshook, shakes his head sadly and says, "sorry. We don't sell beers to bears on drugs in bars in Butte, Montana."

The bear is confused and frustrated and angry, throws his shaggy paws up into the air in disbelief and slams them onto the bar. "DRUGS??? DRUGS??? I'm NOT on DRUGS!"

The bartender nodded solemnly, explaining, "that was a bar-bitch-u-ate."

Gardens in my mind never need water https://permies.com/t/75353/permaculture-projects/Gardens-Mind
Castles in the air never have a wet basement https://permies.com/t/75355/permaculture-projects/Maison-du-Bricolage-house

 
Heather Sharpe
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My brother threw a carton of milk at me today. How dairy!

Two owls were sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says, "Do you smell fish?"

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Ten-ish

Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the movie theater?
He told the usher he'd like to shit in the back row.

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."

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