• Post Reply Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic
permaculture forums growies critters building homesteading energy monies kitchen purity ungarbage community wilderness fiber arts art permaculture artisans regional education skip experiences global resources cider press projects digital market permies.com private forums all forums
this forum made possible by our volunteer staff, including ...
master stewards:
  • Anne Miller
  • Nicole Alderman
  • r ranson
  • Pearl Sutton
  • Mike Haasl
  • paul wheaton
stewards:
  • Joylynn Hardesty
  • Dave Burton
  • Joseph Lofthouse
master gardeners:
  • jordan barton
  • Greg Martin
gardeners:
  • Carla Burke
  • Ash Jackson
  • Kate Downham

jokes

 
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The challenge is not in creating a universal solvent,  but rather it is in creating a container to keep it I.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Finally I have my cat trained. When I give a signal she will do exactly what she wants to do whenever she wants to do it.
Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

Hey! Mine is trained too!!

 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6063
Location: SW Missouri
2700
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Of all the inventions in the last 100 years...

The dry erase board has to be the most remarkable!
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I just replaced the water heater in my barn.  It was one of those tankless jobs, but somebody had to do it.
 
Posts: 23
4
transportation earthworks solar
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
An audio engineer swore that he could hear a very deep male voice speaking to him in a random selection of all sound frequencies. He called it "Barry White Noise"
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What's blonde and dead in a closet?  The Hide & Seek Champion from 1988.
 
master gardener
Posts: 1911
Location: Maine, zone 5
815
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but nobody can figure out how they get in there!
 
Greg Martin
master gardener
Posts: 1911
Location: Maine, zone 5
815
forest garden trees food preservation solar wood heat homestead
  • Likes 9
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
So last night I had a date…

tonight I am going to try a fig!
 
Posts: 2
3
  • Likes 12
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A recent college grad does in a car wreck.  He is told that he will have a choice between heaven and hell after he visits both places. He first enters hell.  He is immediately handed a cold beer and shown around .  There is a swimming pool with attractive girls. Everyone is having fun.  He e en meets the devil who turns out to be a pretty nice guy.  Then he goes to heaven  where he is handed a harp and expected to sit on a cloud and sing.  He end up deciding that heaven is a pretty boring place and chooses hell. This time he arrives in hell, everything is inflamed, people are dressed in rags, and everyone is picking up garbage.   At his first opportunity he approaches the devil for an explanation. The devil tells him,
oh before we were recruiting you.  Now you are staff.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My neighbors 3 year old got into trouble last night and swallowed a bunch of quarters. They took him to the ER where they gave I'm a laxative.   I called them this morning to see how he was doing.  They said there was no change yet.
 
Posts: 97
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
49
forest garden foraging medical herbs
  • Likes 11
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
R2-D2 must be the most foul-mouthed character in all of movie history. They had to bleep every word he said!
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The worse time to have a heart attack is during a game of Chrades.
 
pollinator
Posts: 1560
Location: Victoria BC
219
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

John F Dean wrote:Finally I have my cat trained. When I give a signal she will do exactly what she wants to do whenever she wants to do it.



Impressive! I could never get mine to wait for the signal...
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6063
Location: SW Missouri
2700
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
How do you tell boy pancakes from girl pancakes?
Check how well they are stacked...

:D
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
My neighbor was getting his hay in yesterday. He finally decided to call it a night and left his equipment in the field.  A couple of fools tried to steal his stuff, and one fell into the machinery. The police confirm that he's been baled.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
One of the major farmers in my area has his farm for sale. It seems he couldn't keep his hands off his new wife.  Of course, once he fired his hands, he couldn't keep his farm operational.
 
David Haight
Posts: 23
4
transportation earthworks solar
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I petted my puppy, who is still shedding like crazy. Now I am feeling like Franz Fur'dinhand....
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A DEA stopped by a farm and insisted on inspecting it.  The farmer agreed but told the agent not to go in the south paddock.  The DEA agent exploded, pulled out his badge, and yelled at the farmer that his badge allows him to go anywhere he likes.  The farmer apologized, and told the agent to look anywhere he wants.  The agent marched off to the south paddock. A short time later the farmer hears a scream and sees his bull changing the DEA agent through the south paddock. The farmer runs to the fence and yells, " Show him your badge!  Show him your badge!"
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I gave my cat a bath today. To my surprise  he really seemed to enjoy it.  I doubt if I will do it again though.  Too much fur got stuck to my tongue.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A friend of mine got a job at a bicycle factory. He's the spokesperson.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Coffee in hand, I was looking over our spice rack this morning and all the missing and misplaced labels.  I still haven't figured out what is what yet, but I am certain the thyme is cumin.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I have a mystery going on in my garden for a while.  Last night I noticed my raised beds were a little short on soil.  This morning they were full.  The plot thickens!
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The Covid crisis has really helped my gardening skills.  I planted myself on the sofa and have grown ever since.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 7
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
To determine if an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed, try pulling it out.  If it comes out easily, it is not a weed.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A couple of days ago, I braved a trip to the garden center.  I tripped over a hose and landed in the Aloe Vera. I banged up my elbow pretty bad, but it healed quickly.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A man shows up at his doctor's office with a carrot up each nostril and a stick of celery in each ear.  The doctor takes one look at him an exclaimes, " I see the problem.  You aren't  eating right."
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6063
Location: SW Missouri
2700
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Not a joke, but thought the joke folks might be amused by what I did....
I have a nephew in the Navy, part of what we sent him for his birthday was a a package of 16 cards, open one a day.
To make the cards I went through this jokes thread, picked out about 350 good ones, and each card was just jokes, 8 - 20 jokes per card. They were printed on colored paper. I hope those things run around on his ship for the next few years!
Thank you all for adding to the silliness I sent to a ship out in the ocean someplace!!

My favorite of them all was:

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.


I can't stop thinking about that visual either :D
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
The weirdest thing happened this morning. I walked I to the the kitchen to make coffee, and I would have sworn I heard the onions singing a BeeGees song.  It was just the Chives talking.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Years ago we adopted a stray cat that we names "Non Stick Cooking Spray".   Well, first we called her "Pam" but it didn't stick.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Well it finally happened.  My wife and I went to the lumber yard. When we returned, our house had been broken into. Nothing of real value was taken .... just a couple of old lamps.  We were delighted.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
A 50 year old man is walking along the beach. Depressed and alone he knows the fact that his efforts to embezzle from the bank
he works at will soon be discovered .  As he walks through the sand, he kicks a brass lantern and a genie appears. He, of course, is granted 3 wishes.  First, he wants to be royalty.  A king would be too much. He decides to be a Duke. He wants to live in a grand home, and he wants an attractive wife appropriate to his age. The genie tell him all his wishes will be granted.  The man goes to sleep on the sand.  Morning comes and he awakes in a soft comfortable bed. An attractive woman is next to him. She turns, smiles, and says, " We had better get up now Franz. We have to go to Sarajevo today."
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 6063
Location: SW Missouri
2700
goat cat fungi books chicken earthworks food preservation cooking building homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 5
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Re the last joke, someone said  "I don't get it"

The lady: Sophie, Duchess of Hohenberg

Franz: Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria
Archduke Franz Ferdinand Carl Ludwig Joseph Maria of Austria  was the heir presumptive to the throne of Austria-Hungary.[1] His assassination in Sarajevo is considered the most immediate cause of World War I.

Genies ARE known for being UTTER bastards....
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I have a little statue of a man with a beard in my garden.  My wife always calls it a dwarf.  That's  a common misgnomer.
 
gardener & hugelmaster
Posts: 1956
Location: mountains of Tennessee
765
cattle hugelkultur cat dog trees hunting chicken bee homestead ungarbage
  • Likes 6
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Another old genie joke. Maybe not quite as old ...

A guy was walking along the beach & found a bottle with a genie inside. His first two wishes were granted immediately but then he told the genie he wanted to think about his third wish before asking. The genie agreed. It was a beautiful day so the guy started walking on the beach again. Then started singing "Ooooh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener." <poof>
 
pollinator
Posts: 224
Location: Kachemak Bay, Alaska (usda zone 6, ahs heat zone 1, lat 59 N, coastal, koppen Dfc)
26
  • Likes 4
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
 No eye-deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
 Still no eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that's f**king another deer?
 Still f**king no eye-deer.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 3
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I have never been embarrassed by anything I have done or said. That is my wife's job.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
I once went to see a new band called Placebo,  but I walked out and went to The Cure.
 
Posts: 1
Location: The Carolinas
  • Likes 2
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
What do you call a table made out of only the vegetative shoots of trees?
A vegetable

Does any genetic diversity ROMAINE in our lettuce?

What do you call it when two fern gametes come together?
Fern-ilization

Why do all hippie communies fail?
Every one starts hooking up and stops cleaning their dirty dishes.
 
John F Dean
gardener
Posts: 1750
Location: southern Illinois.
396
composting toilet food preservation homestead
  • Likes 1
  • Mark post as helpful
  • send pies
  • Quote
  • Report post to moderator
Hi Zack,

Welcome to the site.
 
I knew that guy would be trouble! Thanks tiny ad!
Call for Instructors for the 2021 RMH Jamboree!
https://permies.com/wiki/149908/Call-Instructors-RMH-Jamboree
reply
    Bookmark Topic Watch Topic
  • New Topic