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jokes

 
master gardener
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I admit that I am especially proud that at 71 I don’t use glasses ....I drink straight from the bottle.
 
steward & bricolagier
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Question:
If a group of crows is called a murder, and a group is three or more, is two crows together considered an attempted murder?
Also, as I’ve been told, crows are very intelligent,  so would a planned gathering of crows be considered a pre-meditated murder?

Things I need to know!
:D
 
Pearl Sutton
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
 
Pearl Sutton
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How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.
 
gardener
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I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'....

But he hesitated.
 
Jay Angler
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Being a well driller, I often dream I could drill right to the center of the earth.

If I didn't have such a great imagination my job would be just boring.
 
John F Dean
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When I was visiting the big city, a young woman stopped me an said she would do whatever I wanted for $100.00.  I told her to put up 10 cords of firewood.
 
John F Dean
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Back in high school, my friends seemed like they were trying to jump on anything that moved.  I found that confusing. Why did they limit themselves?
 
Pearl Sutton
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An intelligent young lady, Miss Bright
Traveled far faster than light
Leaving one day in a relative way
Arrived home the previous night




A neutron walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer. How much will that be?” The bartender answers, “For you? No charge!”




A neutrino walks into a bar … and keeps going!!
 
pollinator
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Two new friends were sitting at a counter drinking coffee.
"I owe my life to my doctor," said one. "I met him on the street one day and when we stopped to say hello, he took one look at me and rushed me to the hospital. I was about to have a heart attack and didn't know it."
"Well, I owe my life to Justin Bieber," said the other.
"How so?"
"I was in a coma for two years. One day the nurse came in and changed the station on the radio in my room and it was playing one of his songs and I had to wake up to turn it off."
 
John F Dean
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I am at that point is my life where my actions creak louder than my words.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
 
John F Dean
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For our 50th anniversary I rented a limousine for $500.00.   Anyway it never showed in time. I called the service and they wanted to know when I was going to pick it up. Can you believe it!  I spent $500 with nothing to chauffeur it.
 
pollinator
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A man walks into the local diner.
Waitress comes up and asks, "what'll it be, hon?"
He puts down his menu. "I'll take a bowl of giraffe neck stew"
She gives him a sour look and complains, "Giraffe neck stew!  Well that's a bit of a tall order!"
 
steward
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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
 
Greg Martin
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People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
 
Greg Martin
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A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
 
John F Dean
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A man rushed into a doctor’s office screaming that he was shrinking and needed to see a doctor immediately.  The receptionist told him to quiet down and wait his turn.  He would have to be a little patient.
 
Dennis Barrow
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How to Drink Wine:

1.   Open bottle and let it breath.

2.   If it doesn't look like its breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
 
John F Dean
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Seamstress is caused by wearing tight clothing.
 
John F Dean
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A couple was driving through Louisiana and stopped at Natchitoches for a meal. There they got into a discussion as to the correct pronunciation of the town. The man approached one of the staff and asked, “ Can you slowly pronounce where we are?” The employee responded, “Burrrgerr Kkinnng”
 
Greg Martin
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A few funny/jokey quotes

“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
-Anonymous
 
Greg Martin
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“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”
—Anonymous
 
Greg Martin
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"I can't end my messages with "Love, Shaq." Because the B-52's ruined that for me."
-attributed to Shaquille O'Neal (but I think it's really that anonymous person again)
 
John F Dean
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I woke up today trying to imagine a world with no hypothetical situations.
 
Dennis Barrow
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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.

Next it was Dave's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete 'til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?" “Fishing” replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?”
"You're the 8th," replied the old man.
 
Dennis Barrow
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Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because he didn't habenero!
 
John F Dean
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How is it that “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
 
Dennis Barrow
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An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown children and several grand children! And you told her she was pregnant?”

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, he asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
 
Dennis Barrow
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Mountains aren't just funny.
They are hill areas.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom," "tomb" is pronounced "toom," then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced...
"BOOM"
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Why is “dark” not spelled with a “c”?     Because you can’t see in the dark.
 
K Eilander
pollinator
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Friar Tuck says, "Hey Robin, would you like to come join our merry band in the forest?"
Robin Hood replies, "Sure-would!"
 
Greg Martin
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A policeman spotted an elderly lady driving while knitting.

"Pullover!" he screamed.

"No, it's a scarf!" she yelled back.
 
Greg Martin
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My wife and I went to a restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said "I'm sorry but we are very busy tonight, would you mind waiting for a bit?"

I said "No problem."

He said "Excellent, take these drinks to table 5!"
 
Greg Martin
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The countdown to Halloween is here....

Which perennial vegetable do ghosts plant the most in their forest gardens?
Bam-BOO!
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Running a chicken farm is more complicated than I thought
There are so many layers...


:D
 
Pearl Sutton
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A King sent out an edict that all his noblemen should swear allegiance to his name and pay him a tribute in gold pieces every year on pain of death. Many Dukes and Barons agreed and handed over the gold pieces directly, for he was known to be a ruthless and terrible ruler. But there was one Count, although he was happy to swear his allegiance, steadfastly refused to pay the tribute.

The King was troubled as to what to do, for he was very fond of this particular Count, so he threw him into jail, telling him he had a week to change his mind before he would be executed. At the end of a week, the King asked the Count if he would pay the money now rather than lose his life, but the Count said no - he would rather die. "Very well", said the King, "you shall be beheaded at dawn tomorrow!"

Dawn came, and the Count was taken to the castle roof, where a chopping block was in place and a tall executioner in a black robe was standing waiting with a large axe. Once again the King spoke to the Count: "This is your last chance - will you pay me?" "No, never!", he replied. At this the King gave the signal to the executioner. The Count laid down with his neck on the block, and the executioner stood beside him and raised up his mighty axe. Just as he started his swing, the Count let out a mighty cry: "Stop! I'll pay!" But it was too late - the axe fell and his head was sliced off and fell to the ground in a pool of blood.

The moral of the story is, of course, clear: You should never hatchet your Counts until they've chickened!
 
Jay Angler
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Since we're into bad chicken jokes this evening...

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Ceasar!

What did the chicken say to get across the busy road?
Egg-scuse me.

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken looked at her and said, "Don't do it lady, you'll never hear the end of it!"


I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned...
 
Jay Angler
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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.
The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, You've seen Amal."
 
Get me the mayor's office! I need to tell him about this tiny ad:
the permaculture bootcamp in winter (plus half-assed holidays)
https://permies.com/t/149839/permaculture-projects/permaculture-bootcamp-winter-assed-holidays
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