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jokes

 
steward & bricolagier
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Queue is spelled just with Q and four silent letters.
Actually, they aren't silent. They’re just waiting their turn.



Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom!
 
master steward
Posts: 2693
Location: Maine, zone 5
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I got hit in the head with a can of Coke.
Thank goodness it was a soft drink.
 
Greg Martin
master steward
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The proper term for a soda scientist is fizzisist.
They study fizziology.
 
Pearl Sutton
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A judge asks the local doctor to tell him whether three people are insane or not.
The three people enter the doctor's chamber and take their seats.
The doctor decides to ask them all the same question.

Doctor: 1 bag has 3 balls. How many balls are there in 3 bags?

Man 1: Is the ball black? Is the bag red? Is the bag tied with a string? When we imagine the bag, is it supposed to be on a mountainside or near a river? Is there anything else in the bag? Are the balls made of titanium or of aluminum foil?

The doctor answered all the questions as best he could.

Man 1: Well then, obviously the bag must have 420 balls.

The doctor smiles and asks the same question of the second man.

Man 2:  Well, the bag must be blue. Then the balls must be pink. So the bag must be tied by a string and the balls are made of human bones. All in all, considering that the bag must be in the furnace from the points I just made, I think I know the answer.

The doctor asked him to tell the answer.

Man 2: The answer is Wednesday!

The doctor kindly tells the first and second men to wait outside. He asks the third man the same question

Man 3:  Well the answer must be 9. That's obvious!

The pleased doctor heaves a sigh of relief.
Doctor: Thank you, I was starting to think everyone was insane. But tell me, how did you get the answer?

Man 3:  If we subtract Wednesday from 420, we get 9... How much simpler can it be?
 
Pearl Sutton
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I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I probably won’t get a reaction.




If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
 
Pearl Sutton
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There’s a fine line between a denominator and a numerator. Only a fraction of you will understand this.


How do mathematicians scold their children?
“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…


Never multiply shit with its complex conjugate
cause if you do that's when shit gets real.
 
gardener
Posts: 5056
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1911
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What's green and sings?


Elvis Parsley
 
pollinator
Posts: 167
Location: Northeast Oklahoma, Formerly Zone 6b, Now Officially Zone 7
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A squinting modifier walks into a bar quickly bumping into the stools.
 
gardener
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.
ice-cream-wood-spoon.jpg
[Thumbnail for ice-cream-wood-spoon.jpg]
spider-bedroom.jpg
[Thumbnail for spider-bedroom.jpg]
 
master gardener
Posts: 3435
Location: southern Illinois.
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Tall guys need to be careful to never piss off a short chick.  If they throw a punch, they will hit you in the balls.
 
master pollinator
Posts: 300
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Most garden statuary is only 12 inches tall and wears red hats.
It’s a little gnome fact.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song?  Lettuce Be.

What’s small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a garden? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden? Squash!
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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The real meaning of plant catalog terminology:
“A favorite of birds” means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.
“Grows more beautiful each year” means “Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future.”
“Zone 5 with protection” is a variation on the phrase “Russian roulette.”
“May require support” means your daughter’s engineering degree will finally pay off.
“Moisture-loving” plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.
“Carefree” refers more to the plant’s attitude than to your workload.
“Vigorous” is code for “has a Napoleonic compulsion to take over the world.”
“Annuals” mean disappointment once a year.
"Hardy plant" really means “hearty” to wildlife and a wholesome meal.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snap Dragon.

I have a bird feeder in the garden
It also works as a cat feeder
 
gardener
Posts: 421
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
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I heard about this novel about Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog on a cross-country adventure and I wanted to pick it up. When I asked the librarian about it they said it rang a bell but they weren't sure if it was there or not.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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If you want breakfast in bed, you have to sleep in the kitchen.
 
Heather Sharpe
gardener
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Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.

Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may".

Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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The dangers of hunting season
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’.
In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner — it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”
They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. But then Homer went back to the doctor’s office.
“What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?”
“Oh, it worked real well,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.”
“Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc.
“I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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Ole and Lars were looking at a Sears
catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to Lars, “Haff yew seen
da beautiful girls in dis catalog?”
Lars replies, “Ya, dey are very
beautiful. And look at da price!”
Ole says, with wide eyes, “Wow,
dey aren't verra expensive. At dis
price, I'm buying vun.”
Lars smiles and pats him on the back.
“Good idea! Order vun and if she's as
beautiful as she is in da catalog, I vill
get vun too."
Three weeks later, Lars asks his friend,
“Did yew ever receive da girl yew ordered
from dat Sears catalog?”
Ole replies......”No, but it shouldn't be long now.
Her clothes arrived yesterday!”
 
Dennis Barrow
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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture...
I said, "The one from Sesame Street."
They said, "He doesn't count!"
"I assure you," I said, "He does."


Some bloke just told me I have no culture
Just because I can name more ninja turtles than renaissance artists.


Some people are skeptical of migrants because they think they don't embrace their new country's culture.
But I teach calculus to international students at my local university, and they all integrate really well.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
 
Pearl Sutton
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A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3435
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Anyway, our community has a Fall Festival with the usual small town carnival.  I was out pretty late when a group of clowns tried to mug me.  I realized I was trapped, so I went for the Juggler.
 
John F Dean
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I realized my habit of procrastinating was getting the better of me, so I went to a psychiatrist.  He gave me some pills.  I figure I will begin taking them first thing next week.
 
Posts: 195
Location: Tip of the Mitt, Michigan
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Hi,  I had some dragon milk the other day.



It came from a cow with really short legs.
 
Pearl Sutton
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A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
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Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says “Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?” Heisenberg says, “No, but I knew where I was.”
 
Jay Angler
gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1911
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I know a grape who spends his time sitting in the sun.

It's his raison d'etre.


Why did Mrs Grape leave her family?

She was tired of raisin kids.


*yes, it was grape picking day here!
 
Jay Angler
gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1911
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Q: What did the papa tomato say to the baby tomato?

A: “Hurry and ketchup!”

Q. How do you get rid of unproductive tomatoes?

A. Can them.


*can you tell that yesterday was tomato picking day?
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I was looking through a junk shop and saw a new TV for $5. It had a sign in it that said, “Volume stuck on high.”   I thought, “There is no way I can turn that down.”
 
John F Dean
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I was reading through an architecture site and read where Exit Signs are on the way out.
 
John F Dean
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I was on I-64 yesterday and a truck passed me. It had a sign on it that said, “Driver has no cash.”   I thought truck drivers were pretty well paid.
 
Dennis Barrow
master pollinator
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Me—I’m a tomato hero, I just saved 100 of them from dying and rotting on the vine❤️❤️
I haven’t yet told them they are going to be salsa, one step up from ketchup 😂😂
 
John F Dean
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I sat down with a cup of coffee this morning and began to reminisce about my youth.  Then it occurred to me, it’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
 
Pearl Sutton
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When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green light, they'd be run over by cars and their shells cracked for the crows, to be collected at a red light. Or so it seemed.

Unfortunately, despite showing signs of understanding the signals, a lot of crows were dying, being bludgeoned to death. Upon examination, they discovered that the crows were specifically only being hit by large vehicles. This fascinated our professors.

As a result, the professors setup cameras to monitor the actions of the crows. What they discovered was that the crows actually had a lookout crow who was signalling to the other crows when cars were coming and when they were not.

After a lot of monitoring and research, the professors discovered that it was a lack of adequate crow-to-crow communication that was causing the crows to be killed by larger vehicles. As it turned out, the crows could only say "Caw! Caw!" and couldn't say "Truck! Truck!"
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Solar Station Construction Plans by Ben Peterson -- ebook
will be released to subscribers in: soon!
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