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jokes

 
gardener
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It takes money to make money.  I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to make a $20.00 bill without having one to copy from.
 
gardener
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That'll be $5 for the electrons.....the neutrons are free of charge!
 
Greg Martin
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A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love."
The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love."
The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex."
The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''
 
John F Dean
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A few years ago I went on a vacation to Rome.  I was light on drinking water and heavy on wine.  I got pretty dehydrated and dizzy.  I ended up in a hospital and told them I thought I needed an IV.  The doctor , in broken English, asked, “Four of what?”
 
John F Dean
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I got a new dog. He runs from everything I throw for him to fetch. He’s a Paranoid Retriever.
 
John F Dean
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The other day this woman told me that “age” is just a number.   I got pretty uncomfortable and left.  I mean, clearly “age” is a word.
 
pioneer
Posts: 113
Location: western NY (Erie County), USA; zone 6a.
58
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Monastic humor.
1958398_601540839914052_1725688364_n.jpg
[Thumbnail for 1958398_601540839914052_1725688364_n.jpg]
 
Greg Martin
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How do you know when your cat has been using your computer?

When your mouse has teeth marks on it.
 
Greg Martin
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Why are there no living cats on Mars?

Because curiosity killed them all!
 
gardener
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”


—Rita Rudner
 
Jay Angler
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Location: Pacific Wet Coast
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Spring is like a deadbeat dad

It keeps promising it'll be there, but never shows up.


(or a deadbeat mom - or friend...)
 
Jay Angler
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How can you tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?

By their seasoning.
 
Jay Angler
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Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.

Your loving father

\----------------------------------------

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They said they were looking for something. Thanks, son. It looks like I will get the crops planted.


Your loving and grateful father
 
gardener
Posts: 560
Location: Southern Germany
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A woman goes to see the physician. „Doctor , my husband thinks he is a chicken. What am I supposed to do about it?“.
„Ooh, that sounds serious. Your husband should be hospitalized at once.“
„Too bad! You see, I am really dependent on the eggs“
 
Jay Angler
gardener
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Geeks only...

I could tell you this joke about the UDP packet on the internet, but you might not get it.
 
Jay Angler
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I was walking past a farm when I saw a sign:

Duck, Eggs

I thought to myself, "that is an unnecessary comma."
Then it hit me...
 
pollinator
Posts: 348
Location: Poland
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I just need an orchard of extinct fruits, please!
needs.jpg
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pollinator
Posts: 155
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
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This crazy old farmer started trying to put a tater in my ear.
He is beginning to ear-a-tate me.
 
John F Dean
gardener
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I had a great Suez Canal joke, but I guess I missed the boat.
 
John F Dean
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I learned something new!  Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now. He replied that he was currently working on:
"Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment"
I was impressed…
On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 216
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We're outta here!
 
John F Dean
gardener
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Here’s acute joke. If you’re cold, sit in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.
 
John F Dean
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I met a guy who told me he was a match maker.  I thought it was a pretty cool job to have. Then I found out he worked in a factory.
 
Jay Angler
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She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.  
 
John F Dean
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If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself ... is it a hostage situation?
 
John F Dean
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My wife and I have had only one argument in our marriage.  It began 47 years ago.
 
master steward
Posts: 10733
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Rheumatologists are so damn pretentious.  Why don't they just go by "interior decorator"?
 
John F Dean
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If you say “gullible” really slow, it sounds like “orange”.
 
Paul Sofranko
pioneer
Posts: 113
Location: western NY (Erie County), USA; zone 6a.
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Moo.
167134655_4014588795229259_1742887457925656445_n.png
[Thumbnail for 167134655_4014588795229259_1742887457925656445_n.png]
 
Paul Sofranko
pioneer
Posts: 113
Location: western NY (Erie County), USA; zone 6a.
58
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Someday this could be a thing!
FB_IMG_1617372940305.jpg
[Thumbnail for FB_IMG_1617372940305.jpg]
 
Greg Martin
gardener
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What did the science book say to the math book?
Wow, you have a lot of problems!
 
pioneer
Posts: 120
Location: NW Arkansas
25
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A woman goes into a grocery store looking for onions. She looks and looks but can't find any. Looking around she finds the produce clerk and asks him, "where are your onions?"
The young man had a terrible speech impediment and the sounds that came out could not be discerned. Not wanting to embarrass the clerk she thanks him and resumes her search for onions.
Still failing to find onions or another clerk she went back to the young man and said, "I didn't quite catch what you said about them onions. Where are they?"
Again, and a bit irritated, the young man made some noises that she couldn't understand, but thanked him and went back to the search for onions.
Failing again she went back to the clerk. "Young man," she began hoping not to insult him, "I didn't understand what you said about the onions. Please, as clearly and succinctly as you can,  tell me where those onions are."
Straining as best he could he said, "lady? Who put the POE in potato? "
Taken off guard she replied, "who put the POE in potato? I don't know who put the POE in potato."
"Lady? Who put the TOE in tomato? ", he continued.
Frowning at his questions she answered, "who put the TOE in tomato? I don't know who put the TOE in tomato."
"Well, lady, who put the F in onion?"
"Now wait just a darn minute," she said indignantly, " there ain't no F in onion!"
"Lady that's what I been trying to tell you. They'll be here Tuesday!"
 
Michael Dotson
pioneer
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Location: NW Arkansas
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Sooner or later you vets knew a military joke was gonna come from me, so here goes...

This Navy Fleet Admiral, a Marine Brigadier General and an Air Force Brigadier General were having a debate as to which service had the bravest members. They agreed to grab the first member of their service they came across and put them to the test.
A young Marine Pfc happened by. He rendered a smart hand salute and the Marine Brigadier General called him over.
"Son," the general said, pointing to a humvee, "get into that vehicle and drive it into that brick building".
The Marine took a deep breath, fired the humvee up and plowed into into the brick building the general had indicated.
"See there", the general smiled, "the United States Marine Corps is the bravest. Maybe not the brightest, but certainly the bravest!"
The Air Force general said, "that's nothing! Watch this!" He called over an Air Force airman.
The airman ran over, rendered a hand salute and waited for orders.
"Airman, take my sidearm and shoot yourself in the foot", the general said.
The airman, with an astonished look on his face, did what he was told without question.
"See there", the general said, "the United States Air Force is the bravest. Certainly not the brightest, but definitely the bravest".
Scoffing broadly, the Navy Fleet Admiral called a seaman over from his ship. "Sailor, I want to to climb to the top of your ships mast".
The young sailor rendered a very smart hand salute, did an about face any DI would have been proud of and headed for the ship.
Reaching the top of the mast the seaman hollered down to the admiral that he was ready to receive his next orders.
"Now, JUMP", the admiral ordered.
The seaman looked at the admiral, then looked at the deck 50 feet below him and then looked back at the admiral. "Screw you, sir!"
The admiral turned on his peers and said, "see? The Navy is the bravest. Certainly the smartest and definitely the bravest!"
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large tray of bread slices.
The nun posted a sign on the bread tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the bread."
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
91
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Did you hear about the writer who became a baker?
They say he makes excellent synonym rolls.
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 7512
Location: SW Missouri
3525
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Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, silly! Cows go moo!
 
Greg Martin
gardener
Posts: 2433
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There's a new restaurant called Karma.
You don't get a menu, they just serve what you deserve!
 
Greg Martin
gardener
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
 
Put the moon back where you found it! We need it for tides and poetry and stuff. Like this tiny ad:
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