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jokes

 
master gardener
Posts: 3529
Location: southern Illinois.
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When I was in college, I broke up with this girl who said she couldn’t live without me.   I just found out she is still alive  . . . more lies.
 
pollinator
Posts: 317
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”

So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.

“Well, I can’t work in the dark!” said Murphy.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 317
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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Seamus and Patrick were building a house. Seamus was hammering the cladding onto the walls on one side of the house, while Patrick was doing the same on the other side.

After a wee while Seamus begins to notice that Patrick was swearing away a good deal more than he usually did, so he decided to wander over to the other side of the house to see what was wrong.

"Hey, Patrick, what's troubling you so mightily?" asked Seamus.

"Well, you see, it's these nails," said Patrick, gesturing towards the bucket of nails sitting beside him. "A lot of them are faulty. When I pull one out, half the time it's facing the wrong way."

"You idiot, Patrick!" said Seamus. "They're for my side of the house."
 
Posts: 98
Location: Chilean Patagonia
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This just in from my 7-year-old daughter (She came up with it herself!) --

What's between your chin and your nose?

Between your chin and your nose lives tulips.
Staff note (Pearl Sutton) :

Apple for your daughter!

 
Marie Abell
Posts: 98
Location: Chilean Patagonia
46
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My dad's favorite joke:

What's six feet long and green and slimy?

Elephant boogers.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3529
Location: southern Illinois.
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I am kinda proud of myself. I burned over 2000 calories yesterday.   Yea,  I fell asleep again with a pizza in the oven.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Location: southern Illinois.
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I think I had a terrible misunderstanding.   I applied for a job as a pole worker.
 
steward
Posts: 2738
Location: Maine, zone 5
1321
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Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow case?
It's making headlines.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Location: Maine, zone 5
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I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.
Never again.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 2738
Location: Maine, zone 5
1321
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Today I gave my dead batteries away.
They were free of charge.
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 2738
Location: Maine, zone 5
1321
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What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
An artificial Swedener.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3529
Location: southern Illinois.
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What do gardeners do when they retire?
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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90% of accidents happen at home.  Is it really safer to be homeless?
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Someone stole my 12 ft step ladder.   The sheriff assured me that further steps would be taken.
 
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8365
Location: SW Missouri
4151
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A man goes to the hospital for a routine operation.
He wakes up alone in a hospital bed with an IV. Moving around, he notices the white hospital sheets are covered with shit. He literally shit the bed. Completely embarrassed and panicking about what the nurses will say, he takes them off the bed and tosses them out the window onto the street below, where they land on a drunk man who was sleeping under his window. He woke up startled and he started trying to punch the bedsheet away. As he did this, he got tangled in the bedsheet and he started fighting it even more furiously, smearing everything with what was inside the bedsheet. A policeman saw this and he approached the man.
"What's going on here?"
The drunk looked puzzled, "I'm not sure. I think I beat the shit out of a ghost."
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8365
Location: SW Missouri
4151
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My career as a street fighter didn't last very long...
I broke my hand punching a curb.

:D
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8365
Location: SW Missouri
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Bob is absolutely obsessed with tractors, you know the drill: tractor duvet, tractor curtains, tractor pajamas, tractor in the garage, founder of the tractor appreciation society etc.

But he can't find a girlfriend. So his mum tells to go and see the doctor find out if there anything he can do. Off Bob trots to the doctor who tells him to give up on tractors and women will be much more interested.  Bob agrees.

The next week Bob gets a date with a curvaceous lady and he cannot believe his luck. He takes her to the swankiest bar in town and begins to wine and dine her.

She comments to Bob that the bar is very smokey and it's irritating her contact lenses. "Don't worry!" says Bob and he stands up on his chair, inhales deeply and all the smoke in the room is inhaled into his mouth and disappears.

"My God how did you do that?" asks his date. "That's easy" says Bob, "I'm an ex-tractor-fan!!"
 
gardener
Posts: 5206
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1976
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Ole walks by Sven's house and sees a sign that says "Boat for sale". He walks up the driveway and only sees a tractor and a lawn mower. He goes up to the door and says, "Ole, I see dat sign dat says 'boat for sale,' but alls I see is a tractor and a lawn mower."
Sven says, "Yup, and dey're boat for sale."
 
Jay Angler
gardener
Posts: 5206
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1976
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Did you hear about the new tractor movie?
I heard it has a good trailer.
 
Jay Angler
gardener
Posts: 5206
Location: Pacific Wet Coast
1976
duck books chicken cooking food preservation ungarbage
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Grandma on her deathbed is saying to her grandchild:

-"I want to leave you a my farm, which includes fields, a tractor, other equipment and 2.000.000 dollars."

Now grandchild becomes so happy because he became a millionaire and says:

-"Oh, grandma, you're so kind to me I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it located?"

With the last breath grandma lets out:

-"On facebook..."
 
John F Dean
master gardener
Posts: 3529
Location: southern Illinois.
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I’m not fatalistic, but even if I was, what could I do about it?
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I loaned a friend money for plastic surgery.  Now I don’t know what he looks like.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I went to a singles bar once.  I went from stool to stool hoping to get lucky, but there wasn’t gum under any of them.
 
Pearl Sutton
steward & bricolagier
Posts: 8365
Location: SW Missouri
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A wise old gentleman retired and he bought a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in a peaceful and silent place. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, everything changed. Three young boys, who were full of joy after they left the school, walked down the gentleman’s street. They were beating almost on every trashcan they met. They did the same thing every other day. The wise old man got an idea and decided to do something about it.
The next afternoon, he went out on the street to meet the young boys. He stopped them and said,
“You kids are a lot of fun. You know, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you‘ll promise to come here every day and do this.”
The kids were so happy to hear this and continued to beat the trashcans.
After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again. But this time he had a sad smile on his face.
“This recession is a bit harsh on me,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
The noisemakers weren’t happy about it, but they accepted his offer and continued their job. A few days later, the old man met them again when they were drumming on the street.
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet. So I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
“Only 25 cents?” one of the boys exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, and beat these cans around for 25 cents, you’re silly! No way. We quit!”
And the old man enjoyed peace and calm around his house for the rest of his days.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I am having a rough day. I got up and put on my shirt and a button came off.   I tried to open a drawer in the kitchen, and the handle came off. I went to the back door to feed the livestock and the door knob came off.  Frankly, I am terrified to go to the bathroom.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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Last night I was thinking that I still have a lot of growing up to do.  Then my wife came along and made me move out of my fort so she could vacuum under the kitchen table.
 
pollinator
Posts: 169
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
57
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If you want to weigh all of the ants in the world, it's best to start out on a small scale.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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When I wake up in the morning, I can’t get started until I have had that first hot pot of coffee.  Yes, I know, but I have tried other enemas.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I was in my truck driving to town.  I was swerving a bit because I was trying to change the radio.  Anyway, just as I got the new one put in, a cop pulled me over.
 
Dennis Barrow
pollinator
Posts: 317
Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana
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How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out of it.
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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As I get older, I spend a good deal of time thinking about those childhood events that seemed pointless at the time, but now I can see their importance.   For example, all those spankings I got from Mrs  Fox in the 3rd grade. I would pay good money for them now.
 
K Eilander
pollinator
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Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
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John F Dean wrote:I was in my truck driving to town.  I was swerving a bit because I was trying to change the radio.  Anyway, just as I got the new one put in, a cop pulled me over.



Reminds me of the time I got in trouble "playing doctor" with the local neighborhood girls.

Performed two appendectomies and a kidney transplant before the lousy AMA shut me down. :D
 
John F Dean
master gardener
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I got a good run in this evening.   I have to admit that after 3 miles I was pretty exhausted, so I let the lady take her purse back.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Location: Maine, zone 5
1321
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In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs, “I didn’t recognize you.”
 
Greg Martin
steward
Posts: 2738
Location: Maine, zone 5
1321
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Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe In Gosh.
 
Greg Martin
steward
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Location: Maine, zone 5
1321
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Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head!
 
gardener
Posts: 458
Location: Central Indiana, zone 6a, clay loam
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How do you fix a broken jack-o'-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch!
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