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Husband doesn't share homesteading dream

 
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I've spent a lot of time wondering what to do about my situation. Boyfriend and I have been together well over a decade and own a home together. The home is in town on a third acre. I'm able to have chickens and have had success with growing fruit trees as well.
When I was young, I dreamed of living the city life. As I matured, I found myself drifting away from that dream. For over 8 years I have wanted to have a true homestead. As remote as possible while still having internet (my job is remote).
I want to harvest wood to build coops, fences, and fix up a home. I want to raise livestock for food and process my own meat.
Basically, I want the opposite of what we have now.
Boyfriend seemed open to the homesteading idea a few years ago. As it becomes more of a possibility, he's just throwing up roadblocks. He would rather buy his meat at the store, he would rather nap than do literally anything useful, etc.

I'm frustrated both with his laziness and closed mindedness, and seriously wondering if I even want to continue this relationship.

What I do know, is that I'm not willing to sacrifice my life goals for the sake of transient convenience. I want my homestead even if I have to build the whole thing alone.

For others who have been in a similar situation, what was the "fix?"
 
master pollinator
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This would be a big transition for someone whose heart is not in it. Is there a middle ground? Say, a second "recreational property" on undeveloped land (purchased or leased for cheap) where you could get your fix without upsetting the apple cart? And bring back fuel and food to your home in the city?
 
master pollinator
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Sarah Dunlop wrote:I've spent a lot of time wondering what to do about my situation. Boyfriend and I have been together well over a decade and own a home together. The home is in town on a third acre. I'm able to have chickens and have had success with growing fruit trees as well.
When I was young, I dreamed of living the city life. As I matured, I found myself drifting away from that dream. For over 8 years I have wanted to have a true homestead. As remote as possible while still having internet (my job is remote).
I want to harvest wood to build coops, fences, and fix up a home. I want to raise livestock for food and process my own meat.
Basically, I want the opposite of what we have now.
Boyfriend seemed open to the homesteading idea a few years ago. As it becomes more of a possibility, he's just throwing up roadblocks. He would rather buy his meat at the store, he would rather nap than do literally anything useful, etc.

I'm frustrated both with his laziness and closed mindedness, and seriously wondering if I even want to continue this relationship.

What I do know, is that I'm not willing to sacrifice my life goals for the sake of transient convenience. I want my homestead even if I have to build the whole thing alone.

For others who have been in a similar situation, what was the "fix?"



I think the answer to your question is simple, but not easy.  It sounds like you already know the answer.  Your goals and life paths seem diametrically opposed.  If you truly know that you want to homestead, with all that entails, and he wants a nice, easy, convenient life, I think separate paths are the answer.  That isn't always a bad thing, and people should be allowed to live their lives any way they like if they aren't harming anyone else.  If he wants to nap and watch TV every day, that should absolutely be his option, just as it is yours to lead what I believe is a much more fulfilling life, but that involves hard work.
 
pollinator
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My hubs has no real interest in my ventures. He helps purely out of love for me. He's basically the bestest. Still, I do all the things. If I need help I ask, and he helps. I try not to make it too much for him. I mean he has his interests I don't share. We all have our things.
 
pollinator
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I just read Devolution by Max Brooks. Basically this is the plot of the book in the beginning. Then bad stuff happens forcing the characters to get primal and the lazy nerd guy becomes THE MAN.

Very unlikely but maybe if you just drag him out there he will get into it? And if he doesn't you can tell him to pound sand after he helps you move?
 
Trace Oswald
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Dan Fish wrote:I just read Devolution by Max Brooks. Basically this is the plot of the book in the beginning. Then bad stuff happens forcing the characters to get primal and the lazy nerd guy becomes THE MAN.



And that's why they call it fiction...  :)
 
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I think you need to have a convo.

One thing that can tell you the status of a relationship--if you can you sit down and talk about something.

That conversation should at least be a way to explore what you both want at this stage in your lives, if you'd be more valuable to each other as friends, or if you want to stay together and give it a go at homesteading. This way you can lay it all out there and nobody feels strung along or deceived....although the answer suggesting telling him to pound sand after the heavy move got a genuine laugh from me, lol.

As the prices of things go up and the world becomes crazier, I can't imagine anyone 'not' wanting to give it a go at independence. But that's just me or people wired like me, we all want different things.
 
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Douglas Alpenstock wrote:This would be a big transition for someone whose heart is not in it. Is there a middle ground? Say, a second "recreational property" on undeveloped land (purchased or leased for cheap) where you could get your fix without upsetting the apple cart? And bring back fuel and food to your home in the city?



I like what Douglas is suggesting.

And I like what Emily says about having a conversation.

Sarah said, " I want my homestead even if I have to build the whole thing alone.



It is a big world out there.  Do you have the finances to buy land without your partner?  If so why not go ahead and buy it while you are still together using it as a recreational property as Douglas suggested.  You could play with the land whenever you want.

Maybe after having a conversation and you getting the land, your partner will be more receptive to helping out.

Wishing you the best for your dreams.
 
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Life is short,do what makes you happy,even if you fail at it you will be glad you tried.

Laziness is a learned habit,nobody is born to lay around all the time.

The reward has to outweigh the want.Naps are great but future success is better,and if you do succeed,there will be plenty of time for naps on rainy cold days.

 
Douglas Alpenstock
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It does sound like there is more at play than a lack of enthusiasm for homesteading. Over time, we all change. Couples grow together or grow apart.

There is a financial cost to ending long-term relationships. From a conventional point of view, it sets back each person as much as 10 years. Sharing property and resources is efficient. Trying to refresh things and set a new course can be a good investment. Determining whether that is a viable option is very personal, and internet commentators can only offer perspectives. Luck!
 
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Sarah after more than ten years I think that boyfriend is not the right word.
 
pollinator
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Sounds to me the BF is disconnected and perhaps some outside help for him may work.
I am usually a goer, but 8 years ago I hit the wall for a while.
I had to learn to refocus and then all of a sudden i was back on track.
It took 2 years though.
 
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I have watched this line of thought for a few days and while I am new here, I also have been through this same situation decades ago.  I could go on about specifics and bore all to tears, but it comes down to this-at least for me.

If you wake one morning and realize that the only thing you have in common with your "other" is a mailing address, perhaps a phone number, and a few bills, it is past time to sit down and have a talk about where the whole thing is headed.  If one is miserable and has a continual knot in the gut, obviously something is amiss.  It may all sound wonderful at the outset, but people drift for a wide variety of reasons.

Yes, it was difficult, but after 30 years I have stayed alone and truly enjoy it overall.  My best friends are the local critters and the wind in the trees, and I would not trade that for anything.  My time is growing short, but I will say that one has to be content with oneself before involving another.  
 
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How much do you want to stay together? Both of you, not just do you want to stay with him? If the relationship has run its course than maybe you should go it alone. If you want to stay together then Douglas's idea has great merit.
In our case it was the other way round - Mr Ara wanted to try living in a more self-sufficient way but I only pretended to everyone that I wanted it too. I have grown vegetables for years and was happy to continue with that sort of thing. He wanted animals but I didn't. Anyway, 10 years on, his health meant that he was struggling with the sheep (the cows went a few years back and the pigs are in the freezer) so decided to sell up. Suddenly, I realised that I loved it here and didn't want to go. As I have taken on more of the animal work, I wondered why I didn't go on lambing and sheep shearing courses when we first moved here. Ah, well, there's no point saying "if only" so I will just remember the experience with happiness as we move on to the next part of our lives together.
I would add, do it now before you are too old and creaky as we have become!
 
master pollinator
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Hi Sarah,
I don't know if you are still around to read this, but I want to throw it out for anyone else coming across this.

You said he was interested, but now is throwing up road blocks and lazing around. Honestly, this sounds a lot like I was for many years. I had un-diagnosed genetic issue where my body couldn't get rid of biotoxins properly and the build up caused all sorts of hormone problems, mineral and vitamin defficiencies, anxiety and depression. I never lost my desire to do things around the house, but I was exhausted all the time, and when I was not exhausted I was scared. I didn't realize what it was a the time. I thought I was normal. I'm sure my -soon-to-be-ex would say she felt much the way you are describing things. Sometimes people change and are just being lazy... but having gone through what I went through (and researching many things related to nutrition and mental health), sometimes people are just sick and don't know it. Try talking to him seriously to see if the interest is there, but perhaps the motivation and energy are not. I guess in his defense, I want to say not to automatically assume he doesn't want to. I was not physically and mentally capable of a lot of things, but I never lost my desire. Now that I am healthier, I can do my desires now. What were massive roadblocks and huge mountains to climb, turned back into the speedbumps they always were.

In your defense, when two people are heading in different directions, it can lead to being miserable. Prolonging that, will just make things worse. And being in a relationship like that will drain you mentally and physically and eventually you can get to the point where it is a major problem. Don't let it get that far.

In defense of relationships in general. Too many people only think about themselves. To make any relationship work, you have to think about the other person. You should be thinking about what he wants in life, and trying to help him get it. He should be thinking about you, and what you want in life, and helping you get it. When we think about the other person rather than ourselves, it can change the other person. Yes, I know the cliche is that you can't change your partner... but I really do believe the joke about "behind every great man, is a great woman who put him there". Whether man or woman, we can have a massive effect on our partner. We can build them up or tear them down. If you see a couple who are dedicated to building each other up, it is incredible. I believe a man can help his woman become a great woman. I believe a woman can help her man become a great man. These will not happen if you are traveling separate roads. Sometimes when we give up something for the other person, we find as much, or more, satisfaction in helping them, than in what we wanted in the first place.

I hope that makes sense.
 
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