Things you never thought you'd have say. Then you had kids.

No, you can't cut a hole in the ceiling.

That sledgehammer is NOT a toy.

Receptionist from a former employer said he answered the phone and before he could say "Company X, how may I direct your call?" the woman on the other end yelled out, obviously not aware anyone had picked up yet "GET YOUR BROTHER OFF THE STOVE!"

Let's not:

- flush the ferret down the toilet
- draw a giant blue turkey on the front door
- put batteries in diapers
- not eat poop
- poop in the tub and smash turds on the wall
- pee on your brother
- pee on the neighbor's dog
- leave tadpoles and frogs in your pocket then stuff pants under the bed
- take the tarantula out when your Grandma visits
- take the monitor lizard for walks in the neighborhood
- burn candles under the bed
- cut your brother's hair like a mohawk (sort of)  (cutting your own hair is fine, not your brother's)
- pour milk in the orange juice
- in the middle of the night, smear the floor and your body with butter then climb on the sofa to go back to sleep
- feed the dog pepper
- poke the baby in the eyes and ears with the baby bottle

Ohmygoodness... so many more.

(To my youngest daughter) Please don't sit on your sister's head and fart on her! Or the dog! (While trying my hardest no to laugh)🤣

(Again my youngest, when she was 2 1/2) Honey, if someone snatches away your truck you don't bite them to get it back. You tell the teacher. And if the teacher asks you to say you are sorry but the little boy won't let you hug him, you don't bite him again!🤦‍♀️

(And finally, my youngest again. Last year, in first grade) Sweetie, I love that you were defending your boyfriend from those mean boys that wanted to hurt him; but if mommy asks "what happened at school today?" you need to tell me that you jumped on some boy's back and started wailing on him. As a matter of fact, I would prefer that you went to your teacher! "nothing" is NOT an appropiate answer! (Her little bf's mom and grandma were really grateful, though!😂)

Every single gray hair on my head i owe to her. And i wouldn't have it any other way 💖

"We don't put crayons in our soup."

Chris Watson wrote:"We don't put crayons in our soup."

You must not know many Marines.  

Today my husband had to say this, "Don't drag that nasty broom across your sister's head!"

(I have an adopted daughter who was a teenager when I entered her life. Most of these are things I've said to my massive extnded family! I'm the second-oldest of 15 grandchildren and babysat most of them for years)

Sweetie, don't lick the soap!

Crayons do NOT go in your nose!

Please stop trying to lick the bubbles, you're popping them and making your sister cry.

No, you can't cover the kitchen floor in soap and pretend it's a skating rink.

Please don't pee on the dog!

DON'T TOUCH THE RATTLESNAKE!!!

Yes, I do have to take the tick off your belly, no I can't leave it just because he's your friend...



But more fun than the list of things I've said to the kids is the list of fun things I've DONE with the kiddos that I would probably not have done otherwise.

Putting soap on the trampoline and a sprinkler underneath it

Covering our nostrils with rose petals and blowing holes in them

Mud fights!

Painting sticks, rocks, and other found objects and turning them into a "wild museum"

Making giant bubble wands that formed human-sized bubbles

Putting on goggles/face masks and then shooting nerd darts at each other's faces. The most darts that stick is the person who wins!

Covering our hands with duct tape so we get better grip when inner-tubing

Trying to take my cousins "canoeing" using an inflatable pool toy

Flipping the hammock over and seeing who can hang on

Making up ridiculous dances to favorite songs and putting on a performance for all the adults

Making face vomit out of corn, cornstarch and food coloring (used in a skit about the Mayflower; tiny clothespin person purking over the side. The dog ran up and started licking it off the set)

Did you just wee in mummies boot?

"Did you really eat a rock? Or was it just wood chips again?"

(child stated it was really a rock this time, but medical evidence proved otherwise. Or maybe there was a medical miracle. In any case, the doctor was always happy to see these ridiculous cases instead of something serious)

Andrew Mayflower wrote:

Chris Watson wrote:"We don't put crayons in our soup."

You must not know many Marines.  

As a US Marine...

...I thought this was hilarious!