Mystery Permaculture Theatre 4,000

This week's episode we're going to watch Godless, an arthouse Western that was actually a pretty good show in its time, but gets about a D for design.  (And yes, I know, D stands for design, but that's not the point.)

Anyone wanna start?

While waiting for Godless, here's Longmire:


Mr. Longmire, may I come in?

If this is sheriff business you can talk to my deputy down at the station.

I'm not here on sheriff business, though this is about a crime.   It's not a crime on any books, but you strike me as a man who cares about right and wrong, not what the books say.

Books can sometimes be right, but this is true.  Come on in.  Have a Ranier?

Er…thanks.  I'll have a, . .sip of that.

You're not from around here, are you?

No.

It's fine, it's just, I find it a little hard to understand your accent.

Oh, come on, we both know you're actually Australian, that's why they sent me instead of Paul Wheaton. . . .aside from Paul Wheaton's utter lack of people skills and general combativeness.

He's right up in Montana, though, it would have saved fossil fuel.

Oh no, we're from the future.  I'm Geoff Lawton the 407th, Paul is Paul Wheaton the 800th.  They procreate faster.

So what's the nature of the crime?

Listen, I don't want to say this in judgment, because ignorance of the law is a factor.  First I must ask yo some questions.  1, how do you own this piece of land out here?  

The pasture? yes.

About how much is it?

300 acres.

Hold on one sec.  That's 14 hectares, OK.  fourTEEN?? holy shit!  Sorry.  Next question, how do you keep low to the ground?

What do you mean, how do I mow it?  a John Deere 460.

How long does it take you to mow the whole thing?

About three years.  

Three years, I see.  So yu mow the whole thing once every three years?

Well, I mean, three years if I did nothing but mow from dawn to dusk.  I am sheriff after all.  Another Ranier?

No, I'm good, so keep any animals here?

Yes, my horse.

OK, so you've got 14–300 acres, you mow it once every decade or so in your free time, or do you have neighbors do it?

No, this is Wyoming.  the point is to be secluded, where people can't come bother you.  I do it myself.  Sometimes I get a little backed up with sheriff business but I stay on top of it.

I think I've found my suspect.  You use approximately 8,000 litres of petrol, hours and hours of human labor, and produce no food for animals or humans from your 14 hectares?

Well, I have to fertilize it and weed it some too.

Sir, you are the unwitting accessory to a high crime against nature. Now I know you, you want more than anything else to do the right thing.  This (handing him a tome) is Permaculture 1.  Read it, and then read any other book on the subject besides this one because this one makes no sense, and then apply what it says.  You could be browsing buffalo here, you could be returning stolen lands to indigenous people.  This is not a quick fix, it's a 100-year game, but with time you'll get to where you're feeding the neighborhood.  And this will reduce crime.  When people's needs are met, they don't need to commit crimes, as you well know.

I see it every day.  Well, Mr. Lawton the 407th, you've really opened my eyes.  I always thought I was doing right by my family's land, now I see I've been lazy.

No, that's just it, I am trying to get you to be lazier!  you shouldn't have to be spending a decade mowing your lawn.  When you design smarter, you work less hard, because you're working against nature.  See, the owl's hooting at us now, he agrees.


—

—It is a beautiful day at the Red Pony Bar and continual soiree, what can I do for you?
—I thought you worked at the casino now, Henry, what happened?
—Ixne on the oilerspe, Walt.
—Why is it a spoiler if you're working at the casino?
—The fans are very possessive.  VERY possessive.  They know where you live and they will hunt you down, and don't think being a fictional character can protect you.  what's going on Walt?
—Henry, I count on you never to back down from a fight, and I need your help investigating a crime.
—OK.  
—What is the crime?
—Waste and theft of land.  I have a suspect too.
—Who is the suspect?
—Me.  
—Walt—
—Don't tell me I'm being too hard on myself.
—Of course you're being too hard on yourself, that is one of the things I like best about you, Walt, but it is impossible for you to make right what has taken generations to make wrong.  Especially when you do not know how to make the right nor how exactly they were made wrong.
—Did you just use a contraction?
--No, I did not.
--Here's the thing, Henry, it didn't take generations, I did most of it, in my lifetime.  I need you to help me make amends.  I need you to help me learn what the indigenous people here did before the white man came.
—Had fun?
—I mean, in terms of horticulture and coppicing and stuff.
—That was fun, before Dave Holmgren ruined it.  
Walt, I find it it is usually best to learn those things in a PDC.  They are very helpful and I can provide you with the names of many permaculture teachers who do great work.  Trying to learn from the elders, well, you never listened to your parents, did you? besides, there has been a history of violent prevention of those practices by a certain national government.
—You've done a PDC? you don't even have a garden.
—It is true, I have very little time between paying the white man's bills and my acting career, but I do have a small food forest—only you have never seen it.
—You never mentioned it.
—You never asked.
—You never offered.
—You never looked carefully enough.  Sometimes for a detective you can be profoundly blind as well as a stubborn ass, but it seems that the day has dawned now.  Much of it got burned down by some rez kids a few years back, and the rest was burned down by whites a few years before that, but it's grown back now.  Right at this moment however I have to settle a dispute between an old lady who has lost her money and a one-armed bandit, but I will meet you at eight o'clock at the Red Pony.  

I suggest you come armed, as this is still Wyoming and a crime show.

———
[shoot-out scene]

—Tell me honestly, Henry, should I give the land back to the rez?  how do I even know which land was stolen land and which was spoils of war?
—If you give land to "the people" now they are just going to build another casino.  Malachai's men are still pulling the strings in the Tribal Council, and until I manage to get to the bottom of it we will have to go through other channels.  
Walt, I know this is Wyoming and you are used to trusting no one and doing things alone, but you are going to need to trust your neighbors, because you are going to have to invite them on your land.  You are going to need their help.
Here we have a nut-producing trees and soil-generating, mineral-accumulating, nitrogen-fixing alder.  The slope of the land is very important, and you need to be a detective of slope know where to situate your design...

[shoot-out scene, Henry and Walt vs. the slope.  the slope comes through unscathed]

Godless--it was actually a pretty good show, in 2018, but of course we have much much much better ones in 4000.

In this scene the Buffalo Soldiers, having retired from war, are attempting to farm, but the mining town of La Belle has diverted their water and so they're unable to get much to grow.  

But tada!  It's Mystery Permaculture Theatre 4,000--along comes Pandora Thomas.  

Howdy brothers, may I take a minute of your time to talk about your farm?  Omigod, are you Henry Flipper??  can I get your autograph?

Who the f-ck are you and how'd you find us here?

I'm a permaculture consultant.  Listen, have you thought about putting in a swale here? it's only 1880, so the WPA won't be doing this for another 50 years, but folks in many other countries have been doing it a lot longer than that.  In fact, back in Africa--

What's this swale gonna do for us? and how come you ain't got no gun? everyone in this show's got at least a pistol.

I'm a permaculturist, it isn't our style.  When you have water, you don't need a gun.  So, make a hill on the contour of the land.  You capture the water when it rains, you can green the desert.  It's way better than irrigation.

OK, OK, professor, we'll think about it, but how exactly did you get here?

I used my time machine. . .this is Mystery Permaculture Theater 4,000, we have the technology to just go into the show and change it . . .you're not familiar with time machines yet.  Well, you're gonna like this, let me show you ten years from now after you've put in the swale, here's the pioneer plants, your understory, your food-producing overstory...

Well now I am sure glad we made the decision to come out to New Mexico.  Everything has grown up so green in an instant.

Yeah, that's a sneak preview, I'm taking you back to 1880 now.  You have to do the work.

What?  where'd that all go?  What'd you say your name was again?  

Just call me the Lone Permie.  

Ain't never heard of no Lone Permie before, how do we know you ain't a spy?  

(out come the guns again)

Oh boy. . .OK, I'm just gonna ride away on my time machine now.  Try it out for yourselves, and y'all have a blessed day.  I'm just gonna. . .see how that food forest in Morocco is doing, OK?

Go ahead, make my swale.  And another thing, how do we know you ain't messed up the time line now and you're people'll all have three heads when you get back?

It doesn't work that way, this is just a show.  I get it, you've been through a lot, just leave me a note and tell me how it goes.

How do we contact you?

Just put a note in a box and bury it, I'll come back in 100 years and dig it up, it's no biggie.  Ciao!

Oh, and does anyone know whether this poem is by Yehuda Halevi or Chaim Stern? cause I may have dropped it when I went back in time a few weeks ago.

--------

What are we gonna watch next?

Enough drylands, let's watch something urban.  Jessica Jones!

Yay!!!  Except, no, that show is too scary.

Well we could just talk with her a bit.

[Anyone wanna right the Jessica Jones episode hint hint??]

Geoff Lawaton 313: So, Jessica.

Jessica Jones: Hey, who are you and how do you know my name?

Geoff Lawton: Well we watched your show, we're big fans.

Paul Wheaton: To be accurate, we didn't actually watch ALL of Season One.

Geoff: True, ma'am, most of us got scared after the first episode or so, we're all feeling kind of traumatized still, but we're fans all the same.

Paul: YOU didn't get through the first episode, I kept watching for like 8 episodes being like, When is she gonna just kick this guy's ass? and you were busy checking your email.

Masanobu Fukuoka: What they mean to say is, We really appreciate what your'e trying to do here--

Jessica: Well, I don't exactly appreciate what YOU"RE trying to do here, which I don't understand yet either, how am I supposed to feel about a bunch of men showing up in my apartment in the middle of the night?

Manasobu: Uh, that's a very good point, but, I guess, it's always the middle of the night in your show.  

Geoff: And you're never up in the daytime either.

Paul: And we just beamed into your apartment because you never answer your phone.

Jessica: OK, that makes it not creepy then.

Masanobu: It's true, even in the 41st century we can sometime be blind to our impact, and need to be more cognizant of representation in our field, old habits of thought die hard.  But a lot has changed in the last 2,000 years.

Jessica: Wait, you're saying you'r from the year 4,000?  OK, loony toons, definitely not a lot of advances in people skills.  I really need a drink.

Masanobu:  Yeah, that drinking really uncomfortable about that, uh, look we can come back later, we just wanted to talk to you about some other possible ways of resolving conflicts in your city and taking care of yourself.

Jessica: I'm fine.  I don't need any help.

Geoff: Gardening.  We wanted to talk to you about sustainable gardening.

Toby Hemenway: The urban setting is actually quite a rich opportunity for many kinds of edge effects, and is close enough to periurban zones which should be producing the main food supply.  

Paul: Look, Jessica, veterans of war often find that gardening can help them process and heal from post-conflict anxiety and even reduce physical health systems.  Though, to be clear, we are NOT doctors, right folks? and this is not intended to diagnose, treat, blah blah blah any condition.

Jessica: OK, that's nice, get out of my apartment.  I still have a villain with super-powers to track down and kill, you've "beamed into" the a really bad time here, try me in season 2 if I survive that long but now is definitely not the time.  

Paul: Look, I get it.  You don't need help.  No one here is saying, You need help, which is really condescending double-speak for "you're making us feel uncomfortable and we need you to take it down a notch."  I definitely approve of your notch, all the way.  But we are saying you've been through a lot of shit, and we think you could be a really powerful proactive force for change, and we want to help you have the best information possible.  

That's all, and really we're asking for YOUR help more than anything.  We're big fans of your show and detective work like you do and some muscle can make a shitty situation a lot less shitty.  If you want to get in touch with us, just leave a note in a box buried somewhere and we'll swing back in time sometime to read it, okay?  Otherweise we'll get out of your, er, office, looks an awful lot like my office actually.

Jessica; Hey, aren't you that guy with the website? the obnoxious guy, Paul, Paul Weed or something?

Paul: Yes I am, you've heard of me??

Jessica: No, I just googled you while you were blabbering, I know where you live and now I have insurance if you ever try to fuck with me.

Paul: Well, that's actually my great great great etc. grandfather, I'm from the 41st century, oh forget it, it'd be less of a waste of time to talk to Killgrave.

Jessica; But if I kill him, you'll never have been born.

Paul: You're not a killer.  And I'm not actually bad guy.  I'm just obnoxious.  It's been a pleasure, let's talk another time when things are more settled around NYC, tell people about my great great grandfather's Patreon site and the upcoming PDC.


——


Geoff:  Killgrave?

Killgrave: You are going to lay down any weapons you may be carrying and place your hands against the wall.

Geoff: Sorry, that, ah, mind control, not going to work with us, we're from the future.  Anyway, how are you today, sir?

Killgrave: Quite fine thank you.  How do you know my name?

Geoff: We watch the show.

Masanobu: …part of it…

Killgrave: Jessica Jones.  She gets the title, I'm just the villain.  Why isn't there a show called "Killgrave," huh?

Paul: Well, it's a pretty stupid name.

Geoff: Look, everyone thinks you're a real creep, there's no possibility of redemption, but we in the future realize that everyone is valuable and important part of the picture.  As my great great great etc. grandfather used to say, "The problem is the solution"

Killgrave: Did you just Kyrbizskian general semantics me?

Paul: And the problem, sir, is you.

Geoff: it's not so much Kyrzibskian general semantics as that in the future we've run out of names, so we have to use a number too.  I'm Geoff Lawton 313, that's Paul Wheaton the 432nd, that's Toby Hemenway the 309th, etc.

Killgrave: Me? the problem? you're referring to my attempts to win back the affection of Jessica Jones, aren't you?  well, it seems someone isn't as immune to mind control as they claim, that bitch is spreading lies about me.

Toby: Let me put it to you this way: just stop.  

Paul: OK, that kind of attitude is NOT getting you laid.

Masanobu: if you want to win a girl's heart back the way to do it is not through mind control.  

Paul: Or, complaining about her dislike of your mind control for that matter.

Masanobu: It's through gardening.  And the way to garden is to do nothing.

Killgrave: What the…fuck are you smoking? gardening?  me? wow, I just had a flash of London there for a sec, I'm feeling kind of nostalgic all of a sudden.

Geoff: This is not a quick fix, but you have an opportunity to make a difference.

Paul: OR, you could use your powers to infect hearts and minds.

Everyone, including Killgrave: PAUL!!?  wtf?

Paul: Come on, you were all thinking it, I'm the asshole, I'm a terrible person, but you were ALL thinking it and I had the nuts to say it out loud.  I have often said quite publicly, I have no shame, I am a terrible person.  But weren't you all thinking the exact same thing, armies of New Yorkers suddenly acquiring copies of Permacutlure One and reclaiming paved areas and rooftops for food production and cleaning the air.

Toby: And New Jerseyites…?

Geoff: Well, we're not here to intervene on a massive scale, Paul.  We are only making slight interventions.  Where's Sepp Holzer, anyway?

Sepp Holzer 514th (gesturing frustratedly):
Was ist los? Es tut mir leid, dass ich zu spät gekommen bin, hatte einen weiteren Streit mit der österreichischen Regierung, ich dachte, wir hätten es vor 2000 Jahren erledigt, aber guter Gott, diese Leute sind dumm!

Paul: What'd he say?

Masanobu: Come on, you still don't speak German?  he's late because the Austrian bureaucrats are dumb-asses who should have buggered off 2,000 years ago.  

Wir versuchen, diesen Nazi davon zu überzeugen, seine Kräfte für immer einzusetzen.

Sepp: Er braucht ein wenig überzeugender?

Masanobu: Wir verwenden keine Bedrohungen, sondern bieten nur Informationen an.

Sepp: Google Translate ist ein bisschen unkonventionell, aber ich denke, du sagst ihm jetzt nicht das Gesicht.*

Masanobu: *We're trying to convince this nazi here to use his powers for good.

"He needs a little more convincing?"

"We're not using threats, just offering information."

"Google translate is a little funky, but I think you're saying not to punch him the face for now."

If you want me to clarify the translation, I am happy to do so.

Paul: No, no, no, we don't need to resort to violence.   Look, Killgrave, I get it, you had a horrible childhood, you feel nothing can ever repair that, but we're not kidding when we say all of life's problems can be solved in a garden.  It's the only thing that gives any of us any solace.  And as long as you're in this concrete jungle without a single square inch of soil around you, trying to plot ways to control and destroy other people, you're not doing yourself any favors.  I think you're going to influence people no matter what, I'm here to try to persuade you to influence them for the good.  For yourSELF and for others.  

Geoff: I'm not comfortable with your encouraging him to use his powers, that is anti-permaculture.  The ethics are not about manipulation.

Paul: Ixne on the ethicsne.

Geoff: That's not right, that's not how you say that in pig Latin.

Paul: Maybe in Australian pig Latin, you know what I meant.

Geoff: Australian pigs speak the same language as your pigs.  

Paul: Where'd he go?  

Toby: He's gone.  There's no dramatic tension if you don't have a final fight scene, so I'm not so hopeful about this, but you tried Paul.

Paul: Look, we don't know how his powers work, we don't know what good they can be put to, but we know that the problem is the solution, and no one can be a more powerful force for changing the kind of behaviors that Killgrave has perpetrated than a redeemed Killgrave.  He's got our literature, he can contact us if he wants more info, our job here is done.

Toby: Good, this place is depressing, let's get out of here.

Bryan Deans 3,441: Traveler 6046, this is traveler 40623461.

Doctor (pointing gun): That's not a traveler number, who are you?

Bryan Deans 3,441: I'm just here to talk to you about a man named Bill Mollison.

Doctor: Look, if you're some internet nut job I don't have time to deal with you and I will eliminate you if I have to.

B: Relax, you really are uptight in the 22nd century.  Look, we're just playing Mystery Permaculture Theatre 4,000 with your show, and wanted to tell you some things about the future that may help you.  I just want to talk, I'm not sending you on any screwy missions, I'm not handing you a cell phone with a bug in it, we're just going to talk.

D: Why didn't the Director just send a messenger then?

B: I'm not from the Director, I'm from the year 4000, OK, and this isn't just a sound byte, it's gotta be more of a dialogue—put the gun down, and let me give you some titles to read for strarters.

(handing paper).

D: Food Not Lawns.  Hm.  Catchy title.

B: You say food in the 21st century is amazing—and that you in the future have been eating stuff out of a can or something.  That's where we think you've gone wrong.  The solution involves more hedonism, not less.  If 21st Century food is the best you've tried, you're operating without a full data set.  There is WAY better food in your future.

Also, I want to point out that what we're trying to get you to think about is a whole different paradigm.  Permaculture—it's not just about growing food, it's about systems thinking.  What is the best point of intervention, the place of the most leverage for the least energy exerted?  that's why we're intervening in a TV show and not in the actual time stream.

D: But if you intervene in a TV show you still change the time stream.  Anyone who watches this show now will have a big old interruption from, whoever you are.  What happened to Protocol 1?  

B: Bryan Deans the 3,441st, permaculturist, at your service.

D: Bryan Deans.  

B: Yes, i understand your concern, but we who are traveling back in time are ALSO fictional characters, so it doesn't hurt anything.

D: This is really making my head hurt.  I'm going to need another spinal infusion after this conversation.

B: I sometimes have that effect on people, but I know who I am.  Look, man, we're all in this together.

D: I take your point.  It's a lot to process, but I'll think it over, I appreciate your taking your time.  You didn't take over someone's body though, did you? you just beamed right in.

B: This technology is far beyond anything you have in 2100.  And we don't need machines to do it.  It's the mind.  All of life's problems really can be solved in a garden.  You just need to get out of the lab more.  Even just go for a walk, interact some with nature.  Plant one pot and observe.  As a doctor, you'll appreciate what the garden has to teach you—healing as well as food.  

D: OK, I'll read this when I have time.

B: Can I get a "by when" on that?  

D: By next week.

B: I _will_ be back to check on you.  By the way, try Viva Pizza, oh my God that place is good.