Sarah Koster

Drew Gaugler wrote:Good point Sarah.   I'm not hiding anything, I'd email you a pic.  It's just strange to put a picture out for people to focus on when I'm not focused on looks.   I want someone comfortable with and happy with  who they are and not caring what others think.   I'm focused on who a person as a whole.  I guess ask if you want a pic, I'll email.  

I understand what you're saying. Are you looking for a platonic partner? If so, this makes sense. I feel that the means to privately contact (such as email address) is much more personal than a photograph, since it's a means of access, so I'm not willing to share something personal with a stranger on the internet who is unwilling to expose his face publicly. It's a matter of safety for me.
There are scores of men on online dating sites who are purposefully vague and/or withhold basic information for deceitful purposes. They seek to misrepresent themselves or delay exposing themselves so that they have time to sort out what the intended victim is vulnerable to so they can construct their false identity and/or manipulate accordingly. To me any deliberate omission of information commonly used to assess compatibility or interest is in itself deceitful.

I'm not at the point where I'd consider a romantic relationship with someone I don't find physically attractive. Celibacy is not so bad. Much better than being bamboozled.
I do have pictures listed in my own thread, however photobucket is a jerk and has introduced bandwidth limits and blurs my pictures now. I have yet to address this problem.

One time I started talking to this guy on the internet, he lived nearby and was writing sermons for a church and had built his own tinyhouse and all this stuff that sounded amazing. I thought for sure he was exactly the right person. The photo he sent looked okay, but it was kind of vague. Let me tell you. He didn't look anything like that picture, it was close up and angled to hide what he really looked like. When I told him (the very day we met!) that I didn't want to date him, he became very angry and said I should have told him sooner (the day we met) which was a very frightening situation for me. Fortunately I had a friend who lived nearby who came and got me out of a potentially dangerous situation. So I will be the first one to tell you, that you can easily think (mistakenly) that you know who someone is and that you have feelings for them from talking online, but reality can be completely different. This is a small snippet of the grave mishaps I call my dating experience, which prejudices me strongly against posters who are not as transparent as I'd like them to be. Insisting that you're honest and open without actually exposing yourself (not in the flasher sense) publicly is also a red flag for me.
If you're just not comfortable posting a picture of yourself on the internet, that's fine. It's your right and no one here is going to try to force you. I personally appreciate when people are just straightforward about these things.

Easy solution to not liking selfies, have someone else hold the camera :)
Honestly it is hard to take someone seriously in terms of looking for a romantic partner online without a picture.. it usually means they are hiding something. If someone is really single and not ashamed of their appearance, they usually are willing to share a photo.

G Moffatt wrote:You are about the age of my daughters, and not more messed up. As a Christian you already know the big thing: its not about you. I spent my career getting paid to give advice and am struggling somewhat giving it up. I think you should take up vloging, it is not nearly as hard to learn as Japanese, there are many free and paid courses on line to learn. Stop worrying about how you look seem or feel, get behind the camera. Few are doing much of a vlog on Permaculture, probably because editing video is way down the chore list, So learn to vlog, ghost some Permie group, When you have an income then go to Japan. We know there are Permaculturists in Japan but they are not on youtube, you have a subject, content, audience, and we know there are Americans in Japan making a living vlogging. You are already articulate, but you need a subject. There may even be someone out there in Permi-land who would house and feed you in exchange for doing their vlog, at least for a short term.

Thank you for taking the time to write such lengthy advice. I've never been interested in blogging or making videos so this really isn't my thing, I had a lot of exposure to the filmmaking process and I just don't have any interest in it or in watching other people's either. I think my biggest problem is indecisiveness rather than lack of workable options. It makes more sense to me to work warehouse for a few months (which I can tolerate) and save up, rather than try to force myself to do something I have no interest in and also can't stand doing. For example I'm doing temp work now so if I save up, I can do whatever I want to get the ball rolling in a good direction whether that is japan or just getting my own apartment in the states. I am thinking I should wait to go overseas until I have recovered from PTSD because no matter how fun it is, change is stressful. I don't actually need to learn Japanese so much as finish learning, by adding vocabulary and fluency. Thanks

Dustin Fife wrote:Thanks again for the comments. I don't mind raising the foundation higher, but how does that fix the high water table problem? Also, it seems that a higher foundation would require rebar?

To my (limited and fallible) understanding it's normal for foundations to be in contact with water. What's important is that the foundation be able to bear the load without danger of failure. As long as the wood and living space are kept dry, if you build the foundation properly and with proper drainage so the water isn't stagnating in the crawlspace, it should be okay? Our house has a sump pump to keep it dry, which is definitely not ideal as it regularly requires electricity. I would consider building the cabin on piers because of the grade and water... but I've never built anything so I'm way ignorant. Unfortunately I don't think there's a way to keep your foundation from coming in contact with water? It's just a matter of building it to tolerate those conditions and keep your living space dry. I think you can probably build higher foundations without rebar by making them wider at the base, after reading all that about rebar rusting and destroying the concrete it's embedded in... I would be reluctant to use it.
Anyway if you're still trying to sort out the foundation, do you need to insist on that location? It sounds like a bad spot for a building, if you haven't invested more than time into that spot I'd try to find a better one. A graded hill near a creek is probably going to erode quickly, especially if the soil is disturbed and tree roots are cut and such. I'm afraid your cabin may have the soil crumble out from under the foundation and go plop down the hill.
I had fun reading all the info about building stone and mortar foundations

Nice! At first I thought he was digging a hole to make the fire in, but it turned out the hole was for his legs. Interesting alternative to building a raised work surface.

m'jaddara (Idunno how to romanize this properly) which is lentils and rice cooked with onions, topped with salad (lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber) and dressing of olive oil and lemon juice. Could add tahini since I usually have a little yogurt with it, and yogurt is like... not vegan.

When I was vegetarian I found that a lot of the dishes were not satisfying/left me feeling hungry because they were heavy on starch and lacking in fat and protein. Legumes and fatty seeds like sesame help to offset this.

darkness fills the air like snowflakes
(ashes) clog the air the ground shakes
gasping on the

choking on the pain the shame
the bitterness towards love that won't return again
loving the life that won't live again.

how do you let it all go
the hopes that cannot grow
and the dreams that will not sleep
that never come to pass
shattered glass
the way the light refracts
and mesmerizes with the beauty of the broken
the cherished and the sacred that will never again be whole
the son who will never cry your name
the daughter who will never lean against you as she sleeps.

tell me how to let it go
while i struggle to remember
every moment of joy

tell me to let it all go
the past sleeps
the spring clouds weep
i push my feet with each new hill but still
keep dying the death that does not come
and press my will to endure
and so wearied, my soul is no longer sure.
tell me to let it all go
it pulls me in to the darkness below

darkness fills the air like daybreak
light that gives no sight
nor warmth but burns
and churns the depths
and i am weary
and i want the hand that guided me so long ago
to take hold of mine again
but unlike the child i used to be,
shame makes me fearful
of the embrace
unworthy of the grace
that nurtured me like mothers' milk
and i am ashamed of my anger
towards the one who provided such love
and who guided so perfectly
these feet that now stumble into thorns and thicket,
these calloused feet.

so tell me to let it all go
what might have been
what should have been
before my eyes become too dim to see
the beauty in the broken thing,
before i forget how to dream.

Hi William, I am not offended by your so called intrusion. If it makes any sense, in dealing with complete strangers I do not want to talk about anything personal or private. I do not want to sit at a booth in a restaurant with them. I do not want to deal with them outside the public view simply because I do feel so vulnerable.
There are enough things about any given person that are NOT private that weigh into whether or not I feel comfortable talking to them as potential suitors, that I'd rather make sure I'm okay with all their public stuff before I'm comfortable asking or volunteering anything private.
This is, in fact, not a restaurant where I'm sitting at a table with a real person, but a public forum with a great deal of anonymity to shield people from scrutiny. A potential suitor could convey publicly much less than I myself have already volunteered, and manage to catch my interest. The refusal to reveal such basic characteristics, in itself, to me evidences deceitful intent. I am not asking for any private information, and frankly, would feel uncomfortable if a complete stranger DID convey private information to me.

As far as beliefs, if someone is ashamed to admit them publicly, I don't think they really believe it. I am a forthright person, and I don't want to be with someone who is not willing to piss people off by being honest. (I don't go for pissing people off deliberately either, though.) I don't think anyone is embarrassed to admit they recycle, or that they are single, or that they believe the earth is round. I'm not asking for information that they could be personally identified by. I'm not asking them to be as candid and vulnerable as I have already been. But I don't want anyone to talk to me who doesn't have the balls to do it in front of other people... because I don't want someone who's married, or who thinks I'm gross but wants to talk to me anyway because they're just desperate or bored, or who has told different stories to other people on here already, to PM me.

So... my intent in this post is to be no-pressure, no assumption of attraction or whatever, just to talk to people who want to talk, or who may be interested, in a way that lets us find out whether there's potential for further friendship without hurting my or their feelings.

Sonja Draven wrote:I miscommunicated.  I was trying to give some examples of things someone (you) might want to know about a guy before making it more personal.

However, thanks for your thoughtful response.  Enjoyed reading it and am sure others will too. :)

I understood, I just used your examples as scaffolding to write some stuff. I knew I could just write about whatever seemed interesting to me but... like... I was being kinda lazy.

Sonja Draven wrote:
Sarah, I think this makes sense and would also be the appeal of messaging someone who was a regular poster vs. some person who made an account for the express purpose of posting in the singles forum.  Are you really interested in permaculture?  What do you think about the various topics not directly related to it like frugality, feminism, food choices, etc?  i.e. Do you want more than a hookup or a sugar mommy/daddy?

Sonja, thanks for your useful question!
Yes, I am really interested in permaculture. This is an ongoing process for me, and I'm focusing on research and recovery for now as I heal from physical and emotional trauma. I had to move back into my parents house about 6-7 months ago after being badly injured, and let me tell you, they do not care whatsoever about doing things a more natural way/protecting the environment. So whereas a few years ago I grew some vegetables, built an incubator from a cooler I found on garbage night and hatched and raised quail for eggs and meat (which I processed and cooked myself) nowadays I'm reduced to picking the aluminum cans out of the garbage and putting them in the recycling, buying almost all my clothes secondhand (my norm since college) and plugging the holes in the walls to keep the house warmer/save oil. I have a couple shrimpy persimmon trees in the backyard, raspberries and red clover, but I never managed to put the pawpaw seeds I got this year outside so they could sprout in the spring.
Something I would really like to do but have felt uncomfortable attempting solo, is wwoofing in Japan. I wwoofed in Canada but due to people outside my control only got to work with one family, and spent more time caring for a disabled lady than tending the garden. I did learn a lot, as they were genuine, original old hippies. But I was a little disappointed that I didn't get a more immersive experience. Later that year I worked harvesting apples, and got some orchard knowhow along the way.

For me frugality is very important, there are things I'm willing to work and save for and things I'm not. I enjoy dumpster diving, thrift store shopping rather than retail, cooking food myself rather than buying prepared food. Wanting to be financially free without having do work that I hate and object to is a big motivating factor in my permaculture interests. Reduce (consumption of goods, energy and services) comes before Reuse (upcycle yay) and Recycle (the least effective, but only popular one.) The constant-growth dependent economic model is maladaptive and will inevitably fail.

Feminism is not something that I have a cohesive understanding of, it seems to mean something different to everyone I talk to. For what it is worth I feel that all humans have equal value, regardless of how society appraises them. As a christian I have realized that many of the ideas about gender roles promoted by the church itself are based on bad translations and misinterpretation of scripture, or out-and-out twisting of it to purposefully usurp the authority of women and wrongfully subjugate them. I think society generally undervalues skills that are deemed femenine, to a purpose. By shaming what is biologically femenine and the natural inclination of women, we can be tricked into feeling like we need to act manly to be equal to men. I think that women can assert themselves just fine and be perfectly respectable without resorting to detesting their own nature or trying to be macho. We need to change a lot of our attitudes to mend this kind of hurt.
That being said, I don't like... shave my legs. Or wear a bra most of the time, but none of them fit me anyway and honestly I don't really need one.

Food choices... I don't care what other people do. I'm not vegetarian or anything, but I used to be and I can cook balanced healthy veg. meals so being with a vegetarian wouldn't bother me. I don't think I could accomodate a vegan. I need my b12 and stuff.
As for my interests and goals... really I'd like to build my own tiny house, complete with RMH and an extensive food forest. I'd like to raise quail again and try out bantam chickens, and I'd like to try raising guinea pigs for meat. Having a smallish plot of land that's paid off (3-10 acres maybe?) and working seasonally to get cash money seems doable.

For what I'm looking for, I'd ideally forge a friendship that could lead to marriage. Not interested in sexual activity outside of that. People buying stuff for me makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't need that kind of sugar.