Ranting about Everything

Garbage Rant

This is just a rant about all my negative feelings and the situations causing them. Please don't read it if that doesn't sound good to you. I need to get stuff off my chest and this seems like the most appropriate place available to me to do that.

I don't feel comfortable in my situation. I can't live up to my own ideals. I don't like mowing grass, I think it's wrong and wasteful and it feels immoral to me. I'm living somewhere where I am all alone, I don't know anyone, there's nowhere to walk to, I don't like the culture here and it feels like if I expressed myself I would be faced with a lot of animosity and maybe even violence.
My aunt expects me to be grateful and love it here and take care of the place the way she would, which means using lots of fossil fuels and poisons and money to force land and a structure to conform to a very narrow and arbitrary esthetic that is damaging to the ecosystem by its very nature. I barely have the motivation to wipe my own ass, let alone wash my own dishes. How am I supposed to motivate myself to do what to me is an evil thing, but to her is common sense? I also face the uncertainty of possibly being forced out at any time, because I do not own the place. I might technically be able to buy it, but that would not really make sense, given my financial situation and the fact that this location is beyond inconvenient for me. I have to drive an hour to visit anyone besides my aunt who I have this awkward situation with. There is not a nice place for me to go take a walk here, there is highway and a scary neighborhood with burned out houses and loose dogs and confederate flags everywhere. I have mixed race so this makes me feel very unsafe, even though I appear "white" to most people here. It is really only at the level of appearance. I change the way I speak but I'm not sure I'm fooling anyone.
I wish I had a way to make enough money to live off that didn't feel like torture, but I don't. So I've been enduring this every week since february, working 5 days a week doing work that's physically painful and sedentary and irritates my sensory integration issues, and it is actually pretty difficult work, but i do not get any benefits and when the projects are over I am unemployed until new projects become available, so basically can only get work half the year this way, not that I could tolerate doing this year round, I can barely tolerate it at all.
I don't have my own family and I don't feel much hope of making one, trauma has damaged my ability to be attracted to people and I never really had the tools to find a healthy person to be with in the first place. I have a lot more tools now to help me protect myself from sick people, but I still don't have the tools to help me find and bond with healthy people. I know I have a lot to offer other people, but I tend to feel resentful towards anyone who looks at me in a sexually charged way, so I push people away and I am not able to reciprocate feelings. I also have not been able to find anyone who I think I could cohabitate with without it harming my physical and emotional health.
I went back to a gluten free diet which I had tried 10 years ago and found it helped a lot, and ended up realizing that even slight contamination with gluten causes me horrible pain. I had misunderstood this pain as being caused by GERD/heartburn but apparently it is caused by my body reacting to gluten. It feels like a million tiny weasels are inside my intestines shredding them from the inside, even if I do not "cheat" but accidently swallow snot after I have been breathing in my parents house where my dad makes bread. Food is one of the only things that gives me any enjoyment, so not being able to eat freely and being limited to just whatever I prepare for myself where I live alone has been really really upsetting. I also really really want to go to Japan and eat all the delicious things but I cannot even get to Japan now and when I do I will not be able to enjoy the delicious foods.
On top of all this (or maybe at the foundation of it) I have lost the most important thing to me of all, in the course of trauma and recovering from it have lost my ability to believe in God. I feel so alone and abandoned and everything feels meaningless and empty. I am watching myself and my species destroy every wonderful thing that exists on this planet, when it's not even necessary for our survival. All this excess and it is robbing me of all of my joy.
I am also horrible at gardening. I really want to love gardening and be good at it, but I hate pulling weeds and watering and basically doing anything but just harvesting the fruit and eating it. I'm really good with animals but keeping them in cages makes me feel like a horrible monster enslaving helpless creatures and forcing a life of confinement and boredom and animals i supposedly care for.
I really like the Japanese concept of "ikigai," it's like a combination of reason, means, and way to live. I like it because it points out exactly what is not available to me, that I urgently need.
Debt sucks, housing crisis sucks, wage slavery sucks, expectations suck, consumerism sucks, growth-dependent economy sucks, privatization sucks. Addiction to electronics makes my body sick and it hurts and my body hurts and my mind hurts and my soul hurts and I'm too sick already to be able to fix it myself. I'm also too hurt to let other people help me in the ways they have available to help, and those kind of helps would hurt me too. I feel so sad and lonely and hurt and helpless and hopeless and angry that I'm imposed upon to keep living this way.
I don't believe this is the only way for society to function, and it is unfair that people are not willing to consider radically different lifestyles, such as would actually help us live happy healthy lives. I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I also know that I have grown and healed a lot, and being willing and wanting to love myself in addition to others is proof of that. I don't feel like anyone is obligated to me and I don't feel salty that so and so is not attracted to me and I don't feel entitled but damn am I angry that titles exist in the first place. It all feels to me just like the next car of the train of violence, titles and ownership only exist because people with guns came and murdered and drove people away, and the title is proof of that, so if you own the land you own that violence that made it a thing that is owned by a human. Why do people feel like it's okay to trash something just because they "own" it? Why does it make people feel good to destroy in a display of animal dominance? Do chimpanzees do this? I don't know, I know baboons do this kind of thing but they are not very closely related to humans, compared with chimpanzees so I don't know.
I had a fantasy the other day about a future civilization that is nomadic and based on trains, there are just a few train lines that people use to access different areas with different resources seasonally, like say there is a forest with a lot of chestnuts many people use the train to go and visit that area when it is time to harvest chestnuts, like hobos but without the ostracization and poverty and violence. There could be bunkhouses or something near work sites, and bath houses and communal kitchens at the train stops. I think a nomadic lifestyle would be really good for me, if I could travel together safely with a whole family or community and be free to go to where work and resources were available as needed. As it stands society would shoot this down though. Like not even consider it. And that hurts my feelings.

Oh Sarah,
Sending a big virtual hug.  
It sounds to me like life is happening to you and you are feeling way out of control.  You are amongst friends here.
Have you spoken to your Aunt?  Is she the only family member close to you just now? Can you talk to her in a non confrontational way and explain why you feel uncomfortable with how she wants things done and create some sort of middle way?
Then you need an escape plan!  If the job you are in is only short term you don't need to worry about it.  It is medicine that gives you future freedom. Can you move somewhere more congenial when it comes to an end, maybe as a Wwoofer or similar?  What gives you satisfaction?  You have to have something to work towards or you will never get there.  Don't worry about the rest of the ocean that needs bailing.  Most of us can't change the whole world - just ourselves.
Turn all your computer devices off, make yourself a soothing beverage of choice, sit in the sun if you can and chill.....

Thank you for your kind response Nancy!
I know it probably sounds like a crisis point but actually right now doing slightly better than usual? I have been able to work, bathe, take my medication and even do some physical therapy and wash some dishes this week.
I feel like all these problems are more than personal problems, they are societal problems and my family's problems. The situation with the place I am staying is complicated, but also revealing; it's available to me right now because my cousin, who it was purchased for and who owns it, is in jail. I get to stay here because I'm able to work and pay the bills so my aunt and uncle are saving money that way. Of the four of us descended from my grandparents, from a certain perspective I'm actually the one who's "doing the best" just because I'm not incarcerated and I make enough money to cover my basic expenses. My brother and sister and cousin can't do that right now. I think it's just a really bad confluence of genetics and society making things awfully difficult for us? I don't think there's anything wrong with me, there are lots of situations I would be really well adapted to, but current day US of A is not one of those situations.
I definitely cannot talk to my aunt in a frank way about it, she's really not open to worldviews outside her own and tends to lash out in a verbally/emotionally abusive manner if I say anything she doesn't like. So I end up only saying things in a passive aggressive way, or having a meltdown, neither of which is helpful. So you are right that I need an escape plan. I feel like with my current physical health problems, it would be really difficult to do wwoofing, I did some before and you are prettymuch at the mercy of the host's table and I don't think it will be easy to find gluten-free host who is okay with a wwoofer who is not healthy enough to do much manual labor.
I do think of my current job as a temporary thing to use to be able to find a better permanent solution. It's just.. it's taken me a couple years to save a little over 10k and that's not enough money to buy a home. I'm having trouble getting help with a defaulted student loan because I can't make phonecalls (I can sometimes dial but then I cannot speak and hang up) and there doesn't seem to be any other way to communicate with the loan servicer. I seriously wonder what a deaf/mute person would do in this situation? I need someone to make the calls for me but can't make the calls to get access to that either.............. like why bother offering disability services if the disabilities make it impossible to access the services??? System needs changing.
A big part of the problem with depression, is that sometimes even the things you love most don't give you any satisfaction. So even if I managed to force myself to somehow do some ridiculously awesome art project, my reward system does not activate and I feel nothing except for negative and emptiness sorts of feelings. It isn't perfect, I wasted materials, this is bad for the environment, it doesn't look professional etc. I react abnormally to most drugs they use to treat depression, so those tend to do me a lot more harm than good and I don't consider them an option in general. There are situations where I would take a course of some kind of drug to help de-escalate some kind of craziness, but really it is not worth it to take long term.
I tried talking to my aunt about depression and ptsd, but she said "Isn't it all just in your head?" so you can probably tell from that that it makes things worse if I try to explain myself to her. There is a long history of abuse, denial and covering things up in my family. I guess some of my grandparents tried to give their kids better lives than they had, but still everybody ended really dysfunctional. I'm really afraid that I am not going to be able to have kids, and I feel like I am running out of time. 36 and still in some ways at the developmental stages of a teenager? It's kind of embarrassing but I definitely did what I was told would lead to success, and it did not. Thanks, 2008. Thanks for letting me graduate into a world with no jobs. :| Have not really managed to make things work from there. Blah. Hey look I ranted more! Yeeaahhh....

Sarah Koster wrote:..... There is a long history of abuse, denial and covering things up in my family. I guess some of my grandparents tried to give their kids better lives than they had, but still everybody ended really dysfunctional. I'm really afraid that I am not going to be able to have kids, and I feel like I am running out of time. 36 and still in some ways at the developmental stages of a teenager?....

I know this will be of little solace, Sarah, but you can feel at least a bit good about this realization.....really, there are many who do not make this connection, including apparently your aunt.  Another bit of solace may be obtained by realizing how NOT ALONE you are in this.  As you noted, the society/culture at large will continue to foster the "Hey, we're doin' great!!...." image while many are doing not-so-great and in fact doing quite poorly in many cases.  You've probably read more books on this issue of cPTSD and transgenerational trauma than you care remember, but if you want to share one with your aunt, try the new one by Oprah who teamed up with Bruce Perry ["What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing"] in a discussion on the deep neurobiological consequences of maltreatment and neglect in childhood.  Just a proposal and I can't know all of your situation, but staying stuck in dysfunctionality is less about being a teenager and more about childhood and child-like fears of abandonment.  And further into that proposal is a recommendation to try to slowly (or quickly, like tearing off a band-aid if that is more your style) extricate yourself from much of the family toxicity as you can.  Speaking from experience, this can be done without completely severing all ties, although much of this just has to be determined along the way.  It may sound like psychobabble, but creating boundaries with family members out of necessity can often preserve relationships in a form that is less desirable for *them* but tolerable ..... and indeed returning some sanity..... to you.

In a strange way, yours is an appropriate post for 'Memorial Day'...... with your rant, you are memorializing what was and has been lost, possibly in the obvious way with the descriptions of a sane lifestyle(s) that have been lost over time, but just as much about the loss of your soul and the trajectory into maturity that you and so many desire.  Strength to you in the formidable task of carving out a life for yourself and those you come to love.

Nancy said "Then you need an escape plan!

This!  I totally agree!

Sarah, I use permies as my escape plan.  Last year, after covid broke out, I had tests run that reveal a potentially dangerous health condition.  Due to covid, I decided to not seek further tests and treatment.

So my escape plan was to try to brighten everyone's day here on permies.  I am not sure some people really liked how I went about this though they probably didn't know my plan.

Find something to escape to.  If there is not a safe park to go to then find somewhere that you can drive to.  When I had a job I didn't like, I would drive to the nearest lake, sit in my car while I watched the ducks and swans doing their thing.

Find some books to get lost in.  Louis Lamour's books are good for that.  

Look at the bright side of life.

Best wishes!

John Weiland wrote:
In a strange way, yours is an appropriate post for 'Memorial Day'...... with your rant, you are memorializing what was and has been lost, possibly in the obvious way with the descriptions of a sane lifestyle(s) that have been lost over time, but just as much about the loss of your soul and the trajectory into maturity that you and so many desire.  Strength to you in the formidable task of carving out a life for yourself and those you come to love.

Maybe not so strange at all? Both of my parents childhoods were affected by their fathers' experience in the military during WWII... and without the understanding we have gained about PTSD and trauma from military vets, I would not have access to a lot of the information that has helped me understand my own condition and recover. Whether we know it consciously or not, our bodies memorialize trauma both our own trauma and the trauma we experienced secondhand in the form of neurological patterns, muscle tension, hormonal responses etc... Much of the biological fear I learned from my mother came as a result of what happened to her father during combat and how it affected his behavior later in life. My love for and fascination with Japan was sparked by my paternal grandfather who fought against Japanese people in the Philippines, and became fascinated with their culture and taught me how to use chopsticks way before it was trendy.
I did just get to spend some time with my family including my parents and my cousin's baby, so after a week+ of total isolation that has made me feel a lot better.

Excellent rant, Sarah!

I really relate to a lot of what you wrote. I felt similarly out of place and disenchanted with society when I lived in the US. Sounds like you would fit in really well in the Japanese countryside. Your train society idea would be doable too, there are plenty of trains already. It sucks that travel restrictions are still in place, but they are temporary. We will possibly be able to get vaccinated in a few weeks, and the olympics are supposedly still going on, so depending on how that goes, I think travel could possibly resume this year. *fingers crossed* 

Your feelings after giving up your faith are understandable and totally normal. I felt similarly when I left about ten years ago, but I'm just recently starting work on healing from the trauma associated with my indoctrination and upbringing. The book "leaving the fold" by Marlene Winell and the associated workbook was very helpful for me. The workbook is free on her website I think. She also hosts an online support group for people in various stages of leaving their faith and dealing with still living in a religious environment or with religious family. 

Sounds like you are really burnt out  and it must be unbearable having stay, work, live in a hurtful situation. Sounds like your "inner critic" is very loud as well. It's ok to not do things that you used to like if you don't feel like it. It's ok to just be. It's ok to stare at the wall for a few hours sometimes. It's such a huge step to notice and be willing to work on healing generational trauma, and it takes a lot of energy.  I heard somewhere that it's impossible to heal completely while you are still in a traumatizing environment. So I agree that you need an escape plan. 

At the risk of being suspiciously forward, you would be welcome to "work stay" in our extra house once travel is open. Not the one still listed in my signature...there is another house I haven't gotten around to listing it because travel restrictions and general overwhelm of daily life. We actually moved into the listed house just this last week. Anyway, you could have your own private house and surrounding garden space to not weed and not water :). Honestly just being in the house is a huge help as it keeps animals from moving in. There are lots of small tasks that aren't labour intensive that would be helpful. We also want to get more chickens and possibly other animals, but don't have the time or infrastructure to meet our own animal welfare standards yet. We are hoping to attract others who prioritize the behavioural/mental needs of their animals. Anyway, that could be a possible escape plan for you. If it's helpful to fantasize and plan a stay here, I'm happy to talk about more details and what a life here would be like. And if you decide against it later or something else comes along, no big deal! 

I've found your posts on permies helpful, knowledgeable and insightful and we are so happy to have you as part of this community. 

Yeah that sounds amazing Amy!  I used to raise quail but I don't right now because I don't have the means to house them in a way that I feel they need and deserve... but I could definitely see building an apiary when I get the opportunity and trying again! I also kept chickens and their needs are bigger but somehow easier to meet because they're just so much more robust and they can't fly away........ But I can fantasize about staying in that little house and building wonderland for birds for now.

I had weekly support group earlier today and told someone else what you told me, about healing being a lot of work... It is! Learning not to undermine the reward itself is work too! I have to look at the picture of myself when I was a toddler to remind myself sometimes, of what exactly it is I need and deserve. It is okay to not be fully functional. Maybe sometimes it's even for the best. But guilting myself for what I am not and what I cannot be.... not the best.

It's weird like... I kind of hope that someday I can go back to believing, and I don't want to cause other people to lose their faith, but at the same time I feel like I've seen something that I can't un-see? Like seeing the man behind the curtain, in the mechanics of my own neurology. Somehow seeing how the need precipitates the perception. Religion is a strong drug and there's still nothing else that can affect me as strongly or that feels as good as that did... but religious abuse totally ruined that and made it feel really dirty. But so much less abusive towards myself now, and learning every day! I can still see wonder in the world, all the weird plants and animals and stuff that we have barely even begun to understand.

There's kind of a lot of overlap in the types of attitudes that contributed to my family's abuse and dysfunction, and what makes life hard for a lot of people in Japan (at least from what I think I know, having never lived there) as far as being pressured not to embarrass the family and people on autism spectrum or who just aren't social mavericks being forced to deal with very high-pressure, high-stakes type of socialization. My Japanese teacher actually helped me learn some basic social skills that my parents probably should have taught me, but never did, so in some ways at least when I was at the peak of my training I probably knew more about how to behave in public in Japan, than I do here in America. Except without knowing how to hold any conversation outside of simple ritualistic speech. Which is like the opposite of how I english. Can't do smalltalk, but up for deep philosophical conversation. Anyway I have realized that there are kind and not as kind people everywhere? Like not every Japanese person is as warm and understanding as Fukushima Sensei or Kuwai Sensei, but enough people are to make me want to go. Even if I can't eat anything with soysauce in it because gluten hates my guts.

Yes! bird wonderland! We are hoping to set up a rotational silvopasture situation kind of like edible acres does with perennials in their chicken run, but with multiple runs. The 17 chickies we have now are a good number for our current house and garden. The other house has a similar size garden/hatake space that came with it, but we haven't had any time to do anything with it yet, besides pull up all the plastic and metal roofing that was acting as weed prevention. It's gotten pretty overgrown, but at least it's green.

A big challenge is setting up fencing that is secure enough to keep out weasels since the property is terraced and has probably ten different levels/hatake areas. There are some larger, unused fields across the street and across the river that would be better for rotational grazing. Just need to figure out who they belong to and if we can buy/rent them. That might be years away though.

I think it's best to start small and slowly expand. So even just a few birds in one of the gardens of the extra house would be a good start to help clean up and keep the weeds and bugs down while we replant. 

Religion isn't very prevalent around here, so I would definitely recommend coming here for a break and to step outside for a bit and figure things out. Participating in the ecology and regeneration of the land is becoming a very spiritual experience for me. I have lots and lots to say about religion and spirituality, but I'm noticing this thread is not in the cider press, which is where we like to talk about that kind of controversial stuff. So I might start a thread there later, or please feel free to pm me if you want to talk more about it now!

Yes there are all kinds of people and all manner of village customs, but my experience so far has felt more relaxed than my life ever was in the states. I acknowledge that I currently kind of reap the benefits of living here while also not being held to the strict conformity that Japan is known for because I am obviously foreign. For people who want to come to japan for school or a fulltime job like teaching english, the expectations can be pretty suffocating  depending on the company of course. I first came here for grad school and ended up dropping out after I got married. It really depends on where you end up and who you are working under, so if you are willing to shop around chances are you can find a place that fits you. We've lived a few other places in the country and settled on our current village for lots of reasons, but mostly because they were very welcoming to newcomers and there were already a couple other younger people using the word permaculture. Of course we have some grumpy neighbors who wish we would cut the grass, but they are politely grumpy. And they can't really complain when most of the neighborhood is abandoned and overgrown...

I'm autistic and while I didn't do well in the university I chose (I also didn't know I was autistic or had adhd at the time either) I feel more comfortable where I am now than I did in the US. And for my situation, I think it's easier to do what I want to do living here in this particular village. In fact there is a need for what we want to do. I'm fortunate to have a partner who doesn't mind taking care of all the paperwork and phone calls and PTA business. 

We are hoping to be able to eliminate some of the obstacles to living here for other people who would really benefit from being here and would also benefit the surrounding environment with their presence; if that makes sense. Like a place to just be for a while, and just do what you want. Maybe it's just my experience, but I feel like things are more reasonable here. Like what it takes to live, finance-wise, resource-wise, community-wise. And the coutryside is way more relaxed regarding appearance, what you're wearing, schedules, pace etc.

Some little things I've noticed that make it easier for me personally: eye contact is not expected, greetings are not physical, "not feeling good" is an acceptable reason not to attend and there are usually no follow up questions, it's very unlikely that staff or strangers will get mad at you, like if I bump into someone, they also apologize, and when it's not possible to outsource a phone call to my husband, I can be 99% sure what the other person will say. As you mentioned, day to day speech is ritualized, it's all decided, so it's easier to do the things needed for daily life like grocery shopping because the person on register will say the same things in the same order every time, they won't comment on what I'm buying or get annoyed with me for any reason. Car horns are used for saying thankyou; in general, drivers are very patient and give way. Taking the test for a japanese license after my international expired was very stressful though....

There are of course things that are hard to deal with sometimes and the city is definitely a rougher vibe than here in the village. The grocery store is loud, I wear ear plugs whenever we go out. Sometimes people randomly ask me if I'm the new English teacher. People feel free to open the front door and holler into the house to check if anyone is home. There is littering and dumping in the countryside. So many layers of plastic packaging.

There is more availability of gluten free stuff recently and online orders arrive usually within two days. Have you tried a gluten free soy sauce? I see some for sale on japanese amazon. There is a kid in the village with a wheat allergy, so they would know where to get alternatives and gluten free ingredients. And there aren't many places to eat out nearby anyway, we mostly make our own food.

Before I ramble any further, I'll stop here with a picture of the extra house...

Oh it's right by the river! That water is so blue!
Yeah weasel-proofing is hard... they can dig and climb and wriggle through tiny cracks and swim and maybe also teleport. I think 1 cm hardware cloth with no gaps and buried six inches deep is probably necessary. Kinda hard to do on a terrace. :|

I can use tamari at least, haven't found a gluten free light soy sauce yet though... I have a tamagoyaki pan but I'm afraid to use it because I used soysauce in the egg mixture in the pan before I stopped eating gluten and realized how sensitive to it I actually am, and I can't just scrub the pan because it's cast iron, and there could be trace amounts of gluten in the patina of the pan and blah. For some reason I thought if I learned how to make tamagoyaki the universe would be forced to let me live in Japan. But then coronavirus happened instead.

Yeah fear of crowded places definitely played a role in me being intimidated into not being an english teacher after all... and the whole mandatory overtime you don't get paid for thing. Then I started feeling like english is this colonial language that was forced on me even though I have no English ancestry... maybe thinking too much. But it made me feel like I didn't want to continue the tradition of forcing people to learn english. If I try to speak Japanese here it just comes out wrong because I'm so nervous, I haven't practiced in so long and I should just stick to really simple constructions but I try to do too much and it just goes horribly wrong and I make no sense. I get really embarrassed and then it bothers me for a long time, but I think it's different because it's here, if I was in Japan they'd be pleased enough that I was just attempting to speak Japanese maybe, and not get mad at me even if I confused them cause I was in over my head and tried to incorporate slang that I don't really know how to use correctly. In highschool my friend went to a study abroad program and was living in Yokohama and I came and visited her, I tried to order a piece of cake somewhere and really confused the girl working there and used the wrong words, but I remember the emotions really viscerally even now and it's been like 17 years. So it would be nice to go somewhere more laid back and not be pressured by people being in a hurry and being surrounded by more people than a Wal-Mart in Nashville on a Sunday afternoon.

Sarah,
I think you are in the right path. You have expressed your feelings, not just what has happened to you, and that's revealing. Once you know your feelings you can start doing something about them. Our emotions are powerful tools when they are understood. Anger is the emotion that fights injustice! You just need a productive way to focus your emotions, instead of letting them go wild.

I know how hard it is for celiacs, my small brother has the same problem, but he was lucky and his problem was detected very early, so his health has not declined too much.

I don't know if this can help, but in permaculture we change the word 'difficulty' into 'challenge', and a 'problem' into a 'solution for some other thing'. See how Nancy thinks of your temporary work issue: for her, it's a bless that you can leave that work at any time, since it's evident that you need to get out of there. It's not a problem, it's part of the solution. This thought came at her naturally, but it takes practice. You have to practice it too.
Depression can get in the way to this change of mind, since depression is a state that forces you to focus just on the bad things. But it looks like you are getting better, so maybe you can start changing your views.

About your disabilities, think it this way. When you cannot do certain things, you have more time for doing other things that you can master. That's what blind/deaf people do. They can't see, or speak, but they can touch and communicate. Many things are harder for them, but they can focus on what is easier for them and become very proficient. I know a skilled carpenter who is deaf and can't speak aloud and he has raised two children. A cheerful man.

It also looks to me that you are very sensitive, (to the point that the world's fate is hurting you), which is usually a gift for spiritual practices. Maybe you have some hidden talents that you can use to make a life.

I can't just scrub the pan because it's cast iron,

You know you can scrub it and rebuild the patina, right?
I've learned a way to do it easily. It's heating the clean pan without any oil, until you feel the same heat from the inside of the pan than from the fire. At that moment you turn the fire off (of take the pan off the fire), and pour some clean olive oil (or whatever fat you use); move the pan so the oil covers the whole surface; just wait a little until the patine is formed. If it smokes too much, maybe add some more fat.
This works even for stainless steel pans.

After that, keep that pan for you alone.

All that metal roofing you pulled up may be your answer to weasel fencing!  Dug down a couple of feet, with a second panel on top and no weasel is getting through; nor will a raccoon, mink or any other critter that climbs or digs...

I used metal chain link fence poles, pounded into the ground two feet, and used a self taping screw to drill the hole for the actual roofing screw (trust me, the roofing screw cannot deal with the metal post and you will go through a gazillion drill bits trying to drill pilot holes).  We are just finishing enclosing our half acre lot in this manner, six feet high, all the way around.  Once complete, we will guarantee our animals will be staying put, and predators will be staying out.  Bonus, we now have a maintenance free fence that should last many decades.

Sadly, we had to buy new panels, but even at that it cost around $90 for each 12 foot long, six foot high section of fence; around here those premade wooden fence sections with lattice on top run over $200 for a six by six section, and that is before posts!!!

I think it's those changes in elevation with the terracing that really make it extra challenging to weasel-proof... Sure you can dig a couple feet down into topsoil that's more or less level, but what about with rocks and retaining walls and little cliffs everywhere? I don't know if I'd be able to figure out a simple solution, especially without looking at the actual site or having done anything similar in the past.