What Women Want

It's me again, Dale, The Love Guru, loved by some and despised by many.

I thought it would be nice to have a spot where women and men can just state what it is that they want, without getting into the sticky details of past relationships, or discussing their Suicidal Tendencies.

So, this one is just for the women to say exactly what they want in a man, and out of a relationship. After you have made your submission, pop over to the sister thread, where men can say exactly what it is they want. I think many things will be the same, but some will be different.

Men, feel free to respond

People are allowed to want whatever they want. If a toothless old woman wants a hot young stud , that's her business.
.........
Then tell us what the steps you have taken toward getting what you want.

Hmm okay I'll bite. I'll paste in my blurb from my OKC profile.

I'm hoping to find someone who can be a friend first - a likeminded guy - and hopefully maybe have something more develop.

He's hard working, reliable, mature, intelligent, self motivated, ambitious and an out of the box thinker. He has goals in life, and is actively working towards achieving them. He's not an extremist and he appreciates independence in a woman.

Someone who is looking for an actual partner in crime, not just someone to do laundry and cook for him. He probably isn't a city guy, but someone who thrives being outside in the wild. And yes - it would be a massive bonus if he is interested in homesteading/permaculture/sustainability/etc.

I could get a lot more specific - dealbreakers include drug use (pot included), anger issues, pornography, cheating, dishonesty, and general douchebaggery. Not particularly interested in video gamers or musicians.

Also of note is that he respects boundaries even if they aren't boundaries he would set himself, he doesn't expect me to do all his emotional labor (like sending mother's day cards to his mom, being the one to always make the phone calls and reservations, etc) and he is a rockstar at empathy and understanding that just because he doesn't feel the same way someone else does on an issue, doesn't mean their perspective is invalid or unimportant.

Extra huge massive bonus for someone who is mechanically inclined and handy.

Bethany, when I read your profile post and got to "Someone who is looking for an actual partner in crime", my eyebrows went up.  I immediately pictured you and said partner robbing the local hardware store together.  Kept reading.  Okay, so not an ACTUAL partner in crime.  ;)

Wow Bethany that list gave me the giggles. Reminds me of this joke, hope you like jokes. A farmer walks through his field he hears a sqeaky voice go "Help,help!". He looks down where the sound came from, it was a gnome trapped under a branch. The farmer lifts up the branch and saves the gnomes life. The gnome says "Thank you, you saved my life, you may do a wish, anything you want". The farmer says, "I've never been to Europe, but i am afraid of flying i would like a bridge from Chewalah to Paris". The gnome sighs deeply and says" That's extremely difficult to achieve, don't you have another wish?" The farmer says "I am looking for a wife, i'd like a beautiful wife who is cheerful , has a good sense of humour and likes to work hard, always is in the mood for oh-la-la and doesn't like shopping". Gnome replies" What kind of lampposts would you have liked on your bridge,sir."
It just reminded me of that joke, the list of things people want in their partner. Fair enough, aim high, good luck!

I like Bethany's list. Anyone reading that will know if they fit the bill. And it will probably scare off drunkards and layabouts. Nothing wrong with that. It's funny, that crime thing is a regional way of saying that you want a partner. I picture Bonnie and Clyde or the two from Natural Born Killers.

Mickey and Mallory :)

In my experience- more, more, and more. Endless money and endless attention make MOST women very happy.

Rick Kruszewski wrote:In my experience- more, more, and more. Endless money and endless attention make MOST women very happy.

I hope all the women you know aren't like that. We definitely are NOT all like that.

In the Midnight Hour, she cried more more more,,, more  more more more more..... Billy Idol.

Rick, if it's money that she's yelling about, you are doing it wrong.😂😂😂

Dale Hodgins wrote:So, this one is just for the women to say exactly what they want in a man, and out of a relationship.

I'll do this a little differently:

DEAL KILLERS (so they can stop reading right away): smoking of any kind; no drugs of any kind; not a drinker (a drink on special occasions or wine now and then isn't an issue - just drinking regularly would be); violent or abusive (emotionally or physically); not cold (must be kind and affectionate).

The perfect man would know what he wants and that would include building towards a self-sufficient life starting with a duck coop, maybe some chickens, a greenhouse, raised beds, and a food forest. He would like to do some things together, but not everything.

I greatly admire a man who is handy with his hands and would be happy to lend a hand to assist him and don't mind if we do things his way. As long as it isn't a safety issue, his way is fine with me.

He would put Our Creator, Jeshua, and the Holy Spirit first in his life (before money and things) and any family he is raising, our place and me second. He would be willing to lead, but also listen to my input and consider me a partner in his life.

Liking horses and not minding one well-behaved, quiet inside dog (or more if he has them) is essential. Liking to sing or play the guitar or be musical in any way would be nice, but isn't a requirement. :-)

Mutual respect and communication is key to having a happy, healthy relationship. You can't just go along and then complain years later that it wasn't what you wanted to do. Speak up and say what you want. I don't yell, scream, threaten or throw things and hope he wouldn't, either.

Prefer home-bodies as I have no desire to travel the world or even locally. If he wants or needs to go places, that is ok. Just don't expect me to want to leave the homestead and travel. Living out in the country far from everything suits me best. I have never lived in an apartment or even in a city and wouldn't want to do that now.

Being reasonable goes a long way. I can earn a living from anywhere I can get internet access and control how much I work and how much I earn. The reasonable part comes in that you either work less and make less or work more (and have less time for other things) and make more.

To better understand me, I have a long-term lease and live on 160 acres of mostly trees with 5 horses and 1 dog. I only leave the property maybe 3 times a year. My plan is to build a duck yard and coop, raised beds, a greenhouse, and plant lots of fruit and nut trees.

I leased this place because the land owner said I can plant whatever I want wherever I want. And he doesn't mind if I build raised beds, get ducks, or build a greenhouse (or many greenhouses).

Since someone else brought up money, I should mention that I earn what I need to cover overhead which is intentionally low. I dress practically (no make-up, no heels, no fashion, don't buy jewelry or gadgets) - just sturdy shoes and typically jeans and a comfortable shirt.

Most of my life I have not even owned a television. I have internet and work online. I collect practical things: a dehydrator, crock pot, bread machine, 2 canners, and need to collect garden tools and tools to build things (as they grew legs thanks to people who don't know where I live so they can't appropriate anything else).

The man in my life might use the internet a little or a lot. He probably wouldn't have a smart phone and if he did, he wouldn't mind keeping it away from me. (I am RF sensitive.) I can't have WiFi on or any transmitting devices close to me for health reasons.

Not having ambitions of piling up money suits me just fine. Having plenty of seeds, food, and necessities on hand is better than money. As long as he pulls his own weight most of the time (meaning he does anything that benefits us in some way), what he makes or whether he chooses to stay on the homestead and get it going doesn't matter.

You know what love is and treasure it, but don’t give your love easily, nor on a whim.  You’re looking for an equal, someone to climb on your pedestal with you, roll around in the mud together, crawl out of the rut we’re stuck in.

You look at me - with laughter in your eyes at my dry wit, subtle humor, desire for my body and what we can do together, compassion for the things I’ve endured and admiration for my strength, love for me and appreciation for the friendship we share.

You have a body that shows you care for yourself and value my attraction for you, and you’re addiction and disease free.  Even when sweaty and greasy and dirty, to me you smell divine.  I drive you crazy, push your buttons, tease you to let go, forget where we are.

I trust you with who I really am and what I really want, and vice versa.

You’re looking for me like I’m looking for you – with hope mixed with skepticism - and a drive for self-improvement and reaching every goal and dream you’ve set for yourself, not while you’re waiting for me but because it’s who you are.  You’re frugal, financially careful, and yet splurge on those things you value.

You dance with me, maybe you sing with me (even if your voice sucks), you value fidelity, and I never fear you, view our possessions with an eye for how we would divide them up when it doesn’t work, when I can’t deal with your shit anymore.  

We are the same in our commitment to us, trust, love, compassion, respect and honesty, yet different in other ways - enough to keep it interesting.  You’re weird and abnormal, zany and quirky in ways that are different and yet so adorable.  You are passionate about life, your hobbies and interests, your friends, your honor.

I lose time daydreaming of you, remembering your touch, the way we make each other feel, the life we share together -Yet I’m grounded in the present, focused and strong, more than I’ve ever been, peaceful in the knowledge that it’s right and even while we both know we are solitary on our individual paths we are on this journey together.

If you exist, you’re all these things.

But I suspect you don’t.

Hugo Morvan wrote:Wow Bethany that list gave me the giggles. Reminds me of this joke, hope you like jokes. A farmer walks through his field he hears a sqeaky voice go "Help,help!". He looks down where the sound came from, it was a gnome trapped under a branch. The farmer lifts up the branch and saves the gnomes life. The gnome says "Thank you, you saved my life, you may do a wish, anything you want". The farmer says, "I've never been to Europe, but i am afraid of flying i would like a bridge from Chewalah to Paris". The gnome sighs deeply and says" That's extremely difficult to achieve, don't you have another wish?" The farmer says "I am looking for a wife, i'd like a beautiful wife who is cheerful , has a good sense of humour and likes to work hard, always is in the mood for oh-la-la and doesn't like shopping". Gnome replies" What kind of lampposts would you have liked on your bridge,sir."
It just reminded me of that joke, the list of things people want in their partner. Fair enough, aim high, good luck!

😂 It's true! I know I have high standards... but the nice thing about being comfortable as a single person, is that I can be choosy. I'd rather be single than stuck in a relationship with a dead weight dude or someone who doesn't fit the bill of what I want.

Rick Kruszewski wrote:In my experience- more, more, and more. Endless money and endless attention make MOST women very happy.

That really depends! LOL. I have my own money, I don't need it from a man and I definitely need my solitude so endless attention would make me absolutely crazy.

Sonja Draven wrote:You know what love is and treasure it, but don’t give your love easily, nor on a whim.  You’re looking for an equal, someone to climb on your pedestal with you, roll around in the mud together, crawl out of the rut we’re stuck in.

You look at me - with laughter in your eyes at my dry wit, subtle humor, desire for my body and what we can do together, compassion for the things I’ve endured and admiration for my strength, love for me and appreciation for the friendship we share.

You have a body that shows you care for yourself and value my attraction for you, and you’re addiction and disease free.  Even when sweaty and greasy and dirty, to me you smell divine.  I drive you crazy, push your buttons, tease you to let go, forget where we are.

I trust you with who I really am and what I really want, and vice versa.

You’re looking for me like I’m looking for you – with hope mixed with skepticism - and a drive for self-improvement and reaching every goal and dream you’ve set for yourself, not while you’re waiting for me but because it’s who you are.  You’re frugal, financially careful, and yet splurge on those things you value.

You dance with me, maybe you sing with me (even if your voice sucks), you value fidelity, and I never fear you, view our possessions with an eye for how we would divide them up when it doesn’t work, when I can’t deal with your shit anymore.  

We are the same in our commitment to us, trust, love, compassion, respect and honesty, yet different in other ways - enough to keep it interesting.  You’re weird and abnormal, zany and quirky in ways that are different and yet so adorable.  You are passionate about life, your hobbies and interests, your friends, your honor.

I lose time daydreaming of you, remembering your touch, the way we make each other feel, the life we share together -Yet I’m grounded in the present, focused and strong, more than I’ve ever been, peaceful in the knowledge that it’s right and even while we both know we are solitary on our individual paths we are on this journey together.

If you exist, you’re all these things.

But I suspect you don’t.

That's poetry... beautiful!

Sonja - I agree with Bethany - heartfelt, authentic, beautiful. Know he exists and is looking for you too. May I add one of my favorite words, for me - INTERDEPENDENT and lots of fun, playfulness and laughter. This life is too short.

Rick Kruszewski wrote:

In my experience- more, more, and more. Endless money and endless attention make MOST women very happy.

Rick - I hold you with compassion, it sounds painful and frustrating, and I suspect your picker (yes, I spelled that correctly) is off. Something in your childhood? What energy are you holding that this is who is attracted to you, or what you bring out in them? May I suggest going to the "What men want" forum and, after some careful consideration, state what you want with all your heart, POSITIVELY. If you think it, if you can see it, if you KNOW it, you can co-create it.

Thank you, Bethany and Lee.  :)

Maybe I'm just weird but all I really look for is someone that trusts me totally, that I trust totally, and that I can be myself with.  We can work together on anything else.

But then, the pool of men I trust totally is pretty small I guess...

Better to have that small pool of men that you trust.

Because there's a large Cesspool of men, who may not be so trustworthy.

When I was younger, I probably had a long list of "requirements" that at this point really don't matter to me. I've learned that a certain things I was willing to skimp on in the past, are really necessary. I think we all want healthy, loving relationships. What that requires is the same across the board... healthy boundaries, compassion, respect. The love for your partner to forgive mistakes, and the love for yourself to be willing to end it if you need to.
So... what do I want in a mate.
Sincere/honest/genuine-- he needs to tell the truth, and to use words to communicate, not manipulate. | I need to be honest with myself, and be willing to receive help, not just give it, even though it makes me feel vulnerable.
Common direction in life-- we need to more or less believe the same things in terms of religion, ethics and intended lifestyle. I can't "be one" with an athiest any more than I can "be one" with someone who likes shopping at wal-mart. If someone's not already pushing towards permaculture, any effort they make to do so for my sake will be temporary.
Mental/emotional compatibility-- I need a lot of quiet and I need those conversations I do engage in, to be meaningful. I'm smart and eccentric and interactions with people who aren't, are more or less like interactions with children to me.
Meets his own physical needs-- food, water, shelter etc. If I push myself I can provide these for myself plus one, but it creates a toxic dynamic. I won't watch someone go without so I need someone who will see to his own basic needs at least, so I don't overwork myself trying to compensate for his lack, and make him feel immasculated or whatever.
Willing to try unfamiliar foods/eat vegetables-- this may seem petty, but I invariably adjust my diet to match my mate's preferences for convenience. I get fat and miserable when I don't get as many vegetables and fruits as I need. Food is important to me. I like food. I like for my food to taste good. I get really sad and mopey when I have to eat pasta and bread all the time.
Chemistry and fun-- I like to go for adventures. Think hitchhiking, really long walks, traveling, traveling, trying new things. I don't find very many men physically attractive, which is really inconvenient but definitely not my fault. Luckily the ones I am attracted to usually are not considered good looking by most other women. The most important factors are hair color and noses. The funnier looking a guy's nose is, the cuter I probably think he is.
So... honest-respectful-independent-christian-permaculturist-traveling-smartypants-weirdo. Who likes vegetables. Who won't take it personally if I have to cry for no apparent reason. With a funny nose.
There are some "flaws" that I find endearing... impulsive assuming he's not violent/can control himself. Broke as a joke-- I don't value money beyond what I need to meet my basic needs. Shortness makes for good judo practioners. I tend to stay more interested in people who are little crazy. It's okay if the lake's a little turbulent, as long as it's deep.
I don't care if he can drive or not, as long as it's not because of unpaid child support.
Also I hate it if dudes who never post in the forums PM me. I hate it lots.

I've always looked for a soul mate. Someone with whom there's mutual understanding, shared values and also challenging each other.

When I was younger I didn't realize this isn't enough for a healthy relationship. Due to my chaotic childhood I didn't know that the basic pillars for healthy relationships are love, care, trust and respect.

So I ended up in relationships where although there was connection and interesting discussions, there wasn't trust and respect. A few years down the road there wasn't much love left either.

I didn't realize how big my own issues were. The biggest issues were with low self esteem and boundaries, or lack of them.

It took years of intensive working on myself to get me to a point where I actually was interested in guys like my husband. He is not perfect either and has his own issues, but he works on them.

The steps I've taken and I still take to make our relationship healthier are about working on my own issues. I went to therapy for a long time. I've also studied on my own, and found many helpful resources, too many to list them all. However, one stands above all others and it's Natalie Lue's website Baggage Reclaim.

I want to be with a man who is able to receive my love. I want to have someone to hold and appreciate. He will love to live with me on my permsculture farm and live sustainably and  co create beautiful gardens and ponds with me and mother nature.  He will appreciate my talents and skills. He is trustworthy andkind and he believes in the golden rule. He has integrity and compassion and is physically strong. He is honest and spiritual.

Sonja Draven wrote:You know what love is and treasure it, but don’t give your love easily, nor on a whim.  You’re looking for an equal, someone to climb on your pedestal with you, roll around in the mud together, crawl out of the rut we’re stuck in.

You look at me - with laughter in your eyes at my dry wit, subtle humor, desire for my body and what we can do together, compassion for the things I’ve endured and admiration for my strength, love for me and appreciation for the friendship we share.

You have a body that shows you care for yourself and value my attraction for you, and you’re addiction and disease free.  Even when sweaty and greasy and dirty, to me you smell divine.  I drive you crazy, push your buttons, tease you to let go, forget where we are.

I trust you with who I really am and what I really want, and vice versa.

You’re looking for me like I’m looking for you – with hope mixed with skepticism - and a drive for self-improvement and reaching every goal and dream you’ve set for yourself, not while you’re waiting for me but because it’s who you are.  You’re frugal, financially careful, and yet splurge on those things you value.

You dance with me, maybe you sing with me (even if your voice sucks), you value fidelity, and I never fear you, view our possessions with an eye for how we would divide them up when it doesn’t work, when I can’t deal with your shit anymore.  

We are the same in our commitment to us, trust, love, compassion, respect and honesty, yet different in other ways - enough to keep it interesting.  You’re weird and abnormal, zany and quirky in ways that are different and yet so adorable.  You are passionate about life, your hobbies and interests, your friends, your honor.

I lose time daydreaming of you, remembering your touch, the way we make each other feel, the life we share together -Yet I’m grounded in the present, focused and strong, more than I’ve ever been, peaceful in the knowledge that it’s right and even while we both know we are solitary on our individual paths we are on this journey together.

If you exist, you’re all these things.

But I suspect you don’t.

I am amazed with your reply, majorly how you reflected whatever you had in your mind. This lets me respect the womenism even more, but if it's true. Not everyone is same here in this world...

Thank you, Amit.  Sounds like we have hope and skepticism in common.  :)

Yeah, but if you don't have hope from anything, you live a better life....that's my side. Keeping hope disappoints, not today but somewhere tomorrow and it's a rule of life.

There are so many good insights and quotes here. I laughed out loud reading about a man enjoying WalMart shopping. Does anyone like WalMart shopping, much less a man? The clean and disease free comment was hilarious. I see that other people have also had a hard time finding their person. Ugh.

Amit Ahuja wrote:Yeah, but if you don't have hope from anything, you live a better life....that's my side. Keeping hope disappoints, not today but somewhere tomorrow and it's a rule of life.

Hope is half of what keeps me going during the dark times.  I understand your viewpoint though.  I have gained a lot from studying Buddhism and detachment and releasing expectations can be very helpful.

I think everyone's biggest problem(s) is that their expectations are impossible or that they themselves aren't worthy/compatible with what they say they want. First find reasonable standards based on your own principles then, become those standards yourself before you look/wait for the other. My dad always said, "be worthy of what you want before you worry about anything else."  

I’ll play! The brutally honest version:

First and most crucially, I want a man whose company I don’t feel relieved to be rid of/actually look forward to being around. There are lots of really great men who, through no fault of their own, do not meet this criteria. I am an introvert and a loner, so it is extremely rare for me to not think, after any given social engagement, including virtually all dates, “Thank god, now I can take off all my clothes and sprawl out and read about rope splicing or whatever in BLESSED SILENCE without anyone existing near me. YAY.” And then, if he wants to see me again, I am like, “Ugh, but I was going to lie in the bathtub with my tea and think about trees, I will tell him I already have plans.” This filter is honestly kind of a problem for me, and is probably 98% of the reason I’m still single. Things that help him along include him liking to read, liking his alone time, being an interesting and wide-ranging conversationalist, being able to hang out without having to socialize or be entertained constantly, and generally having other interests he can go pursue without hanging on me all the time. Things that kill it include coming on too strong, being “charming” or flattering (this just makes me uncomfortable), being too puppyish, being a go-go-go-let’s-party-let’s-go-do-something excessively energetic type, generally being demanding or pushy or critical (as a personality trait or pattern of behavior), or being a boring dude with no significant interests or opinions (if his main hobbies are watching TV and sports, RUN).

I want to be physically attracted to the guy. I don’t have a single “type”; I can fall for tall/dark/exotic, or kind of delicate/pale & interesting/scholarly type, or urbane and gentlemanly, or outdoorsy in a particular way, but I must confess that the beer-gutted, balding, doughy-torso-shirtless-lawn-mowing good ol’ boys of my hometown don’t generally do it for me. All that being said, there was one guy I had a totally mysterious crush on in my early twenties; he was about my height (5’6”), pale in a kind of dead fish way, borderline obese, had a bushy black beard (I don’t like facial hair), and had these goofy round rosy cheeks and a general resemblance to a garden gnome. He literally lived in his parents’ basement and lived off Mountain Dew and played video games in all his free time. I tried to seduce him with tabletop gaming and long discussions about our favorite fantasy novels, but he never would take the bait. Point being, sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don’t, often it makes no sense, but there’s gotta be a spark.

I can go for a pretty wide age range, from about 19 to mid/late 40s (I’m 30), maybe even a bit older if they carry it with panache, but my preference is someone about my own age.

I really prefer to be in charge of things, in terms of general life plans and how things are done. Like, I am not a control freak and do not at ALL want to micromanage anyone ever, but if I decide there is something significant I want to be doing or somewhere I choose to go, or a project I want to take on, I am not happy being thwarted, although I can just about tolerate having to discuss it with someone first, and can maybe compromise? I would almost always rather give up the relationship than give up whatever thing it is I have decided to do. This is an especially hard row to hoe, in that I often want to do non-mainstream things (homesteading, long-distance hiking, living in my vehicle or aboard a boat, etc.) and there are not an enormous number of guys who are willing to just shrug and go along with that. Even fewer of them who are not spineless deadbeats or excessively woo-woo hipsterish sensitive artist/musician types (not really my thing, especially if they use drugs, and regular/heavy drinking/drugs are a no). He doesn’t necessarily have to join in with all my projects, just not hassle me about doing what I want and/or be willing to tag along when necessary, but it would be cool if we could partner up on some of my weird enthusiasms. I would be willing to go along with some of his stuff too...unless I think it’s dumb or boring.

Obviously I would eventually need to be in love with the man and be certain that he loved me back, as a complete person of whom he actually has some understanding. I need to trust the guy and be trusted. Mutual respect and admiration. Intellectual rapport. Compatible senses of humor. We can’t stress each other out all the time or make each other miserable on an ongoing basis. The basics.

...pretty sure I’m going to be single forever, but luckily I don’t mind.

There is a warehouse we pass on the way to our favourite bar in Southampton.  It is called the Baggery.  I am so going that way after dark with a spray can and a step ladder......thanks for the idea, Bethany!

Jennifer, I think what you're looking for is pretty similar to what most women and men here want or already have.  My impression is that a lot of us here have a very similar outlook on most things, which I guess shouldn't surprise me.  

My experience is that you can't change people, so you have to find someone who has the big things you look for and the stuff you don't agree on isn't an issue for you.  People can change on their own, but it's very rare, but it doesn't mean that, with the right person and the right approach, they won't come around.

Jennifer Richardson wrote:
...pretty sure I’m going to be single forever, but luckily I don’t mind.

I doubt that (that you'll be single, not that you don't mind), but I know it can seem like that at times, especially for introverts.  I find that I have to put in the effort to be open to a person to give them a chance.  I usually don't bother with much on the first date beyond 'Are there any deal-breakers?'  If not, it's worth a second or third date to see if there's any spark.  People can be nervous as hell on the first date, so their true personality doesn't come across well.

If you're willing to travel, there seems to be a fair bit of activity in the singles area here.  I know I would have been interested in several of the women who've posted there, but I can only work in the US or Mexico as an engineer and, while I could move to Europe, I'd have to jump through some hoops and I may be confined to England or Holland.  

Best of luck to everyone!

Oooh, this should be juicy!

I saw this and immediately went to posting haha. I promise to read afterward.

So, hmm, what I want. Loaded question right? It'll be easier for me to break it down. Maybe it'll be for everyone else too, who knows?

What I "know" I want:
1) A God-fearing man, seriously, a man who's dedicated to his relationship with God and comfortable with leading.
*To prepare for this, I've become more comfortable with following. God first, us second. Simple. This also is the great lead up to something else also very important to me. Faithfulness. I don't have wandering eyes, thoughts, etc. So I expect him not to either. I expect a man, who's in this thing together with me. I expect him to love and want me as much as I will for him. Relationships are not games to me.

2) Someone strong. You know a strapping young man, because that's attractive to me. As well as the perks that come with it.
*I'm learning to love exercise. I'm no pro or anything, but I like jumping rope so there's that at least. But I want to be fit for health and such. And I want a workout partner that can't ditch me lol. Or at least we can be lazy together.

3) Someone family oriented that likes being around their family and is comfortable in big, beautiful events.
*I'm a quiet sort because I'm naturally introspective, but I love people. I would prefer a partner that loves people too as that would encourage me to get out of my own head more often haha.

4) Obviously, someone who digs plants and food as much as I do. I also love animals, but don't really want to eat them anymore. So I'm thinking a guy who is okay with me being vegetarian or vegan. Maybe he'll even like to do it with me? Not a requirement, but definitely appreciated. When I say love animals, I mean strictly for the husbandry and the benefit they are to the environment. They're fun creatures and when you take care of them, they feed your plants super well!
* I'm actively transitioning to a completely plant-based diet.

5) Someone who doesn't see color/ understands that race is a myth.
*Pretty self-explanatory. I'm a thoroughly melanated, human female. Yay, for built-in sunscreen. I don't have any requirements on the melanin-content or lack thereof of my future husband. I associate with others based on the content of their characters and shared interests. That's all. I'd prefer if my spouse did not add unnecessary drama to our shared existences with socio-cultural mythos. aka I don't tolerate or participate in racism and I won't be with anyone that does.

What I "think" I want:
1) Someone adventurous.
*Fun in theory, but I'm a laid-back sort and probably will not want to spontaneously climb the Matterhorn, hop a plane to Wisconsin, bungey jump, etc.

2) Someone who wants kids.
*Also fun in theory. I have names picked out. And I love the little bundles, but I don't need them to be fulfilled in this life. I'm 25. In my head if I haven't had any by 35-37 then I'm calling it good and not worrying about it evermore. And I want someone to be okay with that, because I really, reaaaalllly don't want to deal with teenage/young adult life problems at the age of 60+. A mother's work is never done.

And that's all I really got so far.

Some of you have already covered these with more poetry.  Loved meeting you beautiful women by reading this thread.

Compatibility is a tough thing to nail down.  Nothing beats that first in-person meeting for reading “vibes,” eh?

When my daughter was a troubled adolescent, I had to think hard about what character traits are truly essential, so as to focus on nurturing those and discarding my expectations for the others.  It narrowed down to two:  Honesty and Kindness.  Both need to be directed inward toward self and out towards the rest of the world for a person to be healthy and whole.

So that’s the core.

But there are two other traits that are also essential in a life partner.

And I found these out from experience.

Generosity and Trustworthiness.  My husband had all four traits; and though he was far from perfect and didn’t "meet all my needs" (That expectation is ridiculous!), we were a team, and we pulled in the same direction.  

When he died, I fell into another relationship way too early.  And though we had a physical compatibility and we worked well together on construction projects, this man’s lack of both of the last two became evident within two years.  He wanted a lien against my property fir the work he was putting into it.  He didn’t trust me in my encounters with other males in the community.  Putting this down on paper makes him seem a bit creepy, but he presented as a general good guy.  It took a while to scrape him out of my life.  Oddly, he stopped by later to tell me about a woman he was considering marrying.  He had a written list of what the benefits to him would be.  Case proven!

A sense of humor, a good work ethic, etc. etc. perhaps flow from the essentials.  I don’t know for sure.

But for my girls, I think I was able to help them to understand that they needed to work on improving themselves in a relationship and expect the same commitment (honesty + generosity) from their mates.  I read a lot of old fiction; and that notion was a constant presence in those old books.  Not so much nowadays.

Life is an adventure, and there is much to do, see and learn.  Sure, it would be nice to have a companion to share the good and the hard and the fun.  But at my age, merging two separate lives would be a monumental undertaking.  I can only marvel at the hopes expressed in this particular sub-forum, and God bless!

I REALLY REALLY want to contribute to this thread but since I am married (have been for 37 years) I'm not sure I can say what I want in a relationship without saying a lot of stuff I am not sure I want to say about the relationship I am in. I'm pretty sure I will eventually, but I want to think about it for awhile longer. Meanwhile, there is something I do want to mention ...

I've noticed a trend toward a want list of attributes and virtues that seem a bit ... how to say this ... idealistic? No, that isn't quite it, but I can't think how to say it. It's just that all the "he should be honest and kind and compassionate and gentle and caring, etc. " stuff is so abstract. All of that is well and good, but I think young people (and some older folks too) who haven't been in a long-term relationship before put too much emphasis on things that aren't grounded in the reality of everyday life. Lots of very kind, caring people can be jerks about things like leaving their clothes all over the floor or not taking out trash. And let's never forget the all-important test ... does he leave the toilet seat up?! Those are obviously borderline sexist examples, but they are meant to be. I want to point out that no matter how dreamy and perfect your ideal mate is in the abstract, he or she will still sometimes do little things that drive you insane. You may have all the major topics covered and checked for compatibility, but it is NEVER the big things that break the relationship. It is ALWAY the little things. So, don't forget those little things. If you have a pet peeve, find out where s/he stands on that thing. Even if it is as basic as whether s/he sorts the whites from the colored clothes when doing the laundry or takes off their shoes at the door when entering the house or makes the bed first thing after getting up in the morning, or slurps their coffee ... you get the idea. If it bugs you now, it will make you murderous after a few years. Believe me, I know.

Have to say the issues around toilet seat position really do puzzle me.  If I approach the toilet and the seat is not how I want it, I put it how I do want it.  It's really not hard.  If you have a family with predominantly one gender, then I guess the seat will tend to stay a certain way unless there's a house rule that the *lid* should be shut except when the toilet is in use, in which case all bets are off.

This and other small issues can, as you say, gradually escalate until one day after 10 years you attack your partner with a meat cleaver while screaming about the toilet seat - but that only happens if you (both) let it get to that stage.  What you have to do is communicate - if you feel strongly about something, discuss it before it becomes a massive issue 'cos it may well be that your other 'alf never even thought it would be a problem.  It's a bit silly to curse something for years and eventually have a flaming row about it, and then your partner says "hey, if it's that important, why didn't you say something years ago?" because for them it was a neither here nor there thing that they weren't even thinking about.

Austin Shackles wrote:Have to say the issues around toilet seat position really do puzzle me.  If I approach the toilet and the seat is not how I want it, I put it how I do want it.  It's really not hard.  If you have a family with predominantly one gender, then I guess the seat will tend to stay a certain way unless there's a house rule that the *lid* should be shut except when the toilet is in use, in which case all bets are off.

This and other small issues can, as you say, gradually escalate until one day after 10 years you attack your partner with a meat cleaver while screaming about the toilet seat - but that only happens if you (both) let it get to that stage.  What you have to do is communicate - if you feel strongly about something, discuss it before it becomes a massive issue 'cos it may well be that your other 'alf never even thought it would be a problem.  It's a bit silly to curse something for years and eventually have a flaming row about it, and then your partner says "hey, if it's that important, why didn't you say something years ago?" because for them it was a neither here nor there thing that they weren't even thinking about.

Austin, You are making the assumption that the offended partner is suffering in silence (for years apparently) and that the "other half" will even listen to the complaint, much less stop doing the thing you're complaining about. More often the issue has been argued over for years and one partner simply refuses to change or to understand how important the thing is to his spouse. It is that continuance of annoying behavior DESPITE having told the other person a billion times how much you are annoyed by it, that causes the problem. When something is so important to one partner and yet ignored by the other then the action becomes more than just an annoying habit, it is a display of passive-aggression. That changes the dynamic in the relationship quite a bit. It goes from two people who merely have irritating differences in their ordinary habits to two people locked in an endless struggle for control over something that should have been amicably worked out early on.

And that really says something about how the two feel about one another deep down inside. THAT is why I say it is always the little things that bring relationships to an end. It isn't the things themselves but the unspoken intent behind them--the suppressed feelings that emerge in the form of refusal to change an annoying habit merely because it annoys the one you WANT to annoy. The habit is beside the point when the relationship reaches this stage.


By the way, we haven't used a regular toilet for 27 years (we do the humanure compost-toilet bucket thing) so the seat up or down controversy was one we dealt with a loooong time ago. I only chose to mention the toilet seat issue because I happen to know it is a major pet peeve in many households. The reason women get pissed over this particular issue is that they are the ones who, getting up in the middle of the night and not turning on the lights on because they don't want to disturb the rest of the house, proceed to stumble sleepily into the bathroom and sit down IN THE WATER!!! If you had ever done that, you would be pissed too. I finally convinced my husband to leave the seat down by using logic and simple math to prove that the seat default position should be down. I argued that in our household it was used in the down position over 70% of the time anyway, while up only 30% of the time, therefore, it made sense to leave it in the most used position.

Deb Stephens wrote:
You are making the assumption that the offended partner is suffering in silence (for years apparently) and that the "other half" will even listen to the complaint...

When something is so important to one partner and yet ignored by the other then the action becomes more than just an annoying habit, it is a display of passive-aggression. That changes the dynamic in the relationship quite a bit. It goes from two people who merely have irritating differences in their ordinary habits to two people locked in an endless struggle for control over something that should have been amicably worked out early on...

THAT is why I say it is always the little things that bring relationships to an end. It isn't the things themselves but the unspoken intent behind them--the suppressed feelings that emerge in the form of refusal to change an annoying habit merely because it annoys the one you WANT to annoy. The habit is beside the point when the relationship reaches this stage.

Sounds to me like not listening, or caring enough about what is upsetting you to stop doing the thing you're complaining about when it's a valid complaint is a pretty BIG thing, not a little thing.

Maybe for anyone reading this, we could add 'someone who listens to me and cares enough to make changes' to the list of things that we might want to look for in a partner.  

By the way, we haven't used a regular toilet for 27 years (we do the humanure compost-toilet bucket thing) so the seat up or down controversy was one we dealt with a loooong time ago. I only chose to mention the toilet seat issue because I happen to know it is a major pet peeve in many households.

We do the humanure thing too actually.  And the lid gets put back, for obvious reasons.  What did touch me though was Austin is insisting that the new place has an indoor, flush toilet as he doesn't want to watch me growing old carrying and dealing with humanure buckets.  And neither does he particularly want to do it himself.  

I find Austin's comment especially frustrating because a pattern I have often observed is, a woman will politely bring up a small issue and the man will tell her it's a non issue because in his mind, it's only an issue if it's something he cares about. She brings it up a few times and is summarily dismissed or ignored each time, so she stops trying to bring it up, and then after months/years of putting up with it, she goes off and he says, why didn't you say anything? Thankfully I've never been in this scenario with a romantic partner, only dealt with it in male relatives and observing other people's living situations. Communication is a 2 way street and it requires the person receiving the message to listen and consider what's being said. If you dismiss someone else's concerns immediately because they seem petty to you, I don't see how that can be a healthy relationship. There are always going to be things that one partner cares about more than the other. If you only care about your things and the other person only cares about their things, are you even in a loving relationship or are you just roommates who are angry at each other all the time?

This may not be the right place to discuss this, but the second half of your post pretty much echoes what both I and Burra said, what makes a good relationship IS the fact that you can communicate successfully AND that both partners are prepared to make some compromises or changes.  

I doubt more than a tiny fraction of partners are so well matched that they don't have to adapt.  The process of adapting is part of building a partnership and if you can't do that, your partnership is always going to be flawed to some extent.