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so sad

 
Posts: 73
Location: Upstate NY; reluctantly
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Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had, and my spouse agreed.

Made a realization during therapy that I haven't been getting the help I expected on the homestead from my spouse, and my therapist and I had workshopped a plan to get more things done without burnout. I didn't follow the plan and just ended up berating my spouse for hours over the things they told me they'd do and failed to do.

Came home from meeting a potential animal processor (which went well, he has the same values as us on processing so we think we're going to go with him) to find that our cat, who up until this point had been disinterested, ate 6 of the 8 birds we had successfully hatched. I had tried to hang a door and failed, my spouse agreed to fix the door, but didn't. My spouse got their friend to say he'd do it, he never came over. The cat got into the room because there was no door. This is the second time this season this has happened, and I'm heartbroken.

It has been months of requesting, reminding, begging, alluding to, asking directly, asking nicely, asking meanly, making jokes about, ignoring, etc about the things that are truly my spouse's responsibility to handle. The plan with my therapist was to just start doing them so it would end. After completely losing my marbles over the birds and the unhung door, I started on the plan. I decided to wash the incubators (filled with quail blood, shit, and water), a mac and cheese pan from mid-March that had been on the kitchen floor since then, and to clean the cooler covered in rabbit blood (we butchered on 4/9). My spouse came in and said "Are you doing this so you resent me?" "No, I'm doing it so I won't."

I feel as though my life is unmanageable without help, but in reality it's unmanageable because I have these people saying that they will help, and they never follow through. I have a giant list of things to do now because it's my stuff and my spouse's stuff now. A part of me views this as great, because all the shit is going to get done. Most of me feels incredibly lonely without support.

Once we inebriated ourselves and sat on the back porch to workshop our shared plan, the routine is going to be "Do what you want done" for both of us, instead of each of us asking the other to do anything. We don't plan on it being the resolution long term, but we have to figure out what we value and want to do. I think this is going to be the year where a bunch of things fail because it's not aligned with what either of us want to do. That's probably good.

Today, I'm just watching tv and using up the rest of my hotspot data to just waste the day. I'm so sad and I feel so lonely. I'm just so tired.
 
master gardener
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First and foremost, my sympathies for the heartbreak. Loss of livestock/pets is tough on so many levels. Take the lesson and grow from it.

I grew up in a family that had quite issues with expectations and results much like you have experienced. A lot of it came down to individuals tolerance for the current status quo and action paralysis. I don't know what causes the paralysis, but I do know it happens and it has happened to me. I think the biggest epiphany I ever had was when I got tired of waiting for someone to do something and I just did it. You don't have to be an expert to do everything, you can learn a lot!

The finished product might not be up to perfection, but I can correct it if I feel the need to. This also has been paired with the knowledge that something might not be as important on my list but it might be very important on my partners list. Things still fall through the cracks, but we have conversations about the why it is happening. Sometimes it comes down to needing to be better about paying attention to my partners needs but other times I have to realize that our plates might be full and its too much.

I still time to time walk into the paralysis wall and just can't bug it. I lean on my partner in those times and we get through it. We have actually found our bond grow stronger when we both hunker down and tackle problems/projects we face even if it is the blind leading the blind.

Relationships/Life are tough man! I'm rooting for you and your homestead and I know you will have some happy quail in the future.
 
Posts: 62
Location: South Central Virginia
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Carmen Cullen wrote:Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had, and my spouse agreed.

Made a realization during therapy that I haven't been getting the help I expected on the homestead from my spouse, and my therapist and I had workshopped a plan to get more things done without burnout. I didn't follow the plan and just ended up berating my spouse for hours over the things they told me they'd do and failed to do.

Came home from meeting a potential animal processor (which went well, he has the same values as us on processing so we think we're going to go with him) to find that our cat, who up until this point had been disinterested, ate 6 of the 8 birds we had successfully hatched. I had tried to hang a door and failed, my spouse agreed to fix the door, but didn't. My spouse got their friend to say he'd do it, he never came over. The cat got into the room because there was no door. This is the second time this season this has happened, and I'm heartbroken.

It has been months of requesting, reminding, begging, alluding to, asking directly, asking nicely, asking meanly, making jokes about, ignoring, etc about the things that are truly my spouse's responsibility to handle. The plan with my therapist was to just start doing them so it would end. After completely losing my marbles over the birds and the unhung door, I started on the plan. I decided to wash the incubators (filled with quail blood, shit, and water), a mac and cheese pan from mid-March that had been on the kitchen floor since then, and to clean the cooler covered in rabbit blood (we butchered on 4/9). My spouse came in and said "Are you doing this so you resent me?" "No, I'm doing it so I won't."

I feel as though my life is unmanageable without help, but in reality it's unmanageable because I have these people saying that they will help, and they never follow through. I have a giant list of things to do now because it's my stuff and my spouse's stuff now. A part of me views this as great, because all the shit is going to get done. Most of me feels incredibly lonely without support.

Once we inebriated ourselves and sat on the back porch to workshop our shared plan, the routine is going to be "Do what you want done" for both of us, instead of each of us asking the other to do anything. We don't plan on it being the resolution long term, but we have to figure out what we value and want to do. I think this is going to be the year where a bunch of things fail because it's not aligned with what either of us want to do. That's probably good.

Today, I'm just watching tv and using up the rest of my hotspot data to just waste the day. I'm so sad and I feel so lonely. I'm just so tired.



Wow have I been there and done that. First I'm guessing you're both fairly young. Second and more importantly there's not much if anything ANY person male or female CAN NOT accomplish if they make up their mind(s) to.  If you're on different pages on where you're at and or where your going it's going to be hard to get there.  We are on the outside looking in so to speak and don't really know the circumstances so take all of our advice with a grain of salt! lol
The real problem may be that you've both taken on to much to quickly then again maybe not enough. We all feel better about ourselves when we can see we've accomplished positive things.  

Try and build each other up and never NEVER give up!
 
Carmen Cullen
Posts: 73
Location: Upstate NY; reluctantly
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We are young (both 29) and gender isn't really what's holding either of us back from getting shit done. My spouse doesn't really have an answer for the things they said they'd do and didn't do. Instead of doing them, they just beat themselves up over not doing them. Took me about 10 minutes to do the things I listed in the post above.

Realistically, what's happening is that I try to hold people accountable to what they say, and it is my cosmic place to be entirely let down over and over again. I can't make anyone do anything, but it really is lonely doing things on your own.

What holds me back more than anything is that I have only two very weak hands. My spouse has two, much stronger, hands. There are some things that I'm just unable to do with my weak hands, including hang a door. I would have gladly helped them with my two weak hands as long as they started with their two stronger hands.

I also felt it was an epiphany realizing that I can just do the shit I want done, which felt like resolve at the time. I think today is just a day for being low and down in the dumps.

Thank you for your kind words, both of you.
 
pollinator
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How horrible and heartbreaking! So many losses, and the hardest part must be the proof that you are on your own with everything you want done.
Today you do need to let yourself grieve the huge losses, of animals, of faith in your partner, of hope things could be different.
Tomorrow might be the day to re-examine your plans and find ways to work only with what you can do yourself. When spouses have different goals, there may still be a way through to work cooperatively to each help the other achieve their goals. But to minimize the level of conflict and disappointment, starting over with what you alone can do might be a healthier place.
 
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Location: PNW, Zone 8b, Cascades Washington
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Someone wise once said "When it comes to other people, do not assume. For it makes an ass of you and me"

A thought. What if you agree with your partner on the following approach - Appetites and Time-boxes.

Instead of accepting all tasks as obligations - discuss what Appetite for projects each of you has in a given time (time-box) Could be a month, a season or just a week. See what aligns and what seems possible in that time frame. Do your best. Check-in on the deadline. Learn why it did or did not happened.

Appetites can be adjusted from that learning. There is always the next time-box.
 
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and work all day. Tiny lumberjack ad:

World Domination Gardening 3-DVD set. Gardening with an excavator.
richsoil.com/wdg


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