Tyler Ludens wrote:It's a tough situation for sure. My dad has Alzheimer's and I'm his primary caregiver. Fortunately he has a kind and cheerful personality.
One important thing I have learned is that one can't expect a person with Alzheimer's to learn anything. No matter how trivial it is, they just are not able to learn to change their behavior at this point in their lives.
Jennifer Richardson wrote:
I think you are right, that he would like me to seek opportunities for myself and move forward. I think the problem is that the way I like to live, the things I like to do, and the opportunities that I am interested in are not things he can understand. If tomorrow I were to tell him that I had landed a 9-5 making $100k in the city and was buying a house and getting married, he would probably shove me out the door, despite the fact that after 30 years of knowing me, he has to know I’d rather slit my wrists. I much prefer living by my wits, cobbling together odd jobs, and having the freedom to seize on whatever idiosyncratic projects I am interested in (my current dream is to go from living in my truck to living aboard a cheap sailboat that I intend to purchase and rehab). The things I like to do never seem important or worthwhile to him, and they never make enough money to suit him (whereas I think since I support myself and still manage to save for financial independence, I make enough).
Jennifer Richardson wrote: I definitely don’t want to set him up for failure, especially expensive failure. But I have begged him for years to sell the cows and lease the place out, or to at least let me hire help while I am staying on to manage it, and he will not. I have presented him with multiple buyers who would take the whole herd at fair to generous prices and lease the place to boot. He strung me along for a while saying that he would hire someone, or he was going to downsize the herd, etc. But at the last minute he always changes his mind, and makes decisions that keep me chained to the place if I don’t want to see it go under. I don’t know what to do except wash my hands of it. To get the control I would need to make these things happen, I would have to try to get him declared incompetent, and it would be scorched earth. And I think I could win, that other family members and his doctor would support me, but I don’t think it would be right. His memory is shot, but he still knows what he wants and can make decisions, even if I don’t agree with them and think he’s being an asshole. I value our relationship more than I value the potential inheritance, so I would rather let him make an expensive mistake than try to wrest control of his assets away from him. If he becomes a danger to himself like my grandparents did, I will do it if I have to, but I haven’t hit the tipping point on that yet.
Jennifer Richardson wrote:I have been doing this since I was 25. I am now 30. He is only 74. I am reaching the end of my rope.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Jennifer Richardson wrote: but I am not coming up with anything stunning.
One potential title for nuerodiversity/disability/aging/etc is "Being Human" but we're afraid it'll turn into people sharing about what is inhumane, rather than sharing human differences and challenges.
People Care begins with ourselves and expands to include our families, neighbors and wider communities. The challenge is to grow through self-reliance and personal responsibility. Self-reliance becomes more feasible when we focus on non-material well-being, taking care of ourselves and others without producing or consuming unnecessary material resources.
elle sagenev wrote:If he's got Alzheimer you need to have him declared incompetent so you can do what is necessary with the animals.
Jennifer Richardson wrote:Greg, that is interesting and heartening to hear. I wish you all the luck in the world with your mom.